Monday, September 10, 2007

Week 1 Injury Report

Every year the players, fans, and coaches of the 31 NFL teams (plus the Browns) begin a new with lofty aspirations firmly planted in their collective heads--then come the injuries. This first Monday of the '07-'08 season is no different, teams all over the NFL could watch their dreams of greatness shatter on the rocks of despair... and it's funny as shit (with two exceptions)! Here's a rundown of yesterday's most infirmed.

Mike Brown
The play-making safety for the Bears is done for the year...again. His ligaments are made entirely of saltwater taffy.

Chad Pennington

For a golden-locked, limp-armed little bitch this guy sure has balls to spare. Pennington had some big guy roll all up on his ankle and as much as he wanted to have a good cry, he managed to keep the tears under wraps until the commercial break. After busting his ass to hobble-jog off the field (thus saving a timeout) Pennington was rewarded for his gallantry with a chorus of cheers...unfortunately they were cheering for the injury, not the gallantry. Despite the pain Chad made it back onto the field in relief of Kellen Clemons which caused pain for everybody not named Pennington.

Orlando Pace
It's looking like St. Louis's behemoth left tackle is on his way to missing another year of football with a serious shoulder injury. Oh well, one day deep into his retirement his brain will thank his shoulders for crapping out and sparing it from additional bumps and bruises.

My other shoulder is a pussy.

The entire New York Giants roster
God damn, that game was like an extra-long episode of Scrubs (homosexual undertones and a bunch of doctors) sans shitty indy-rock soundtrack and attractive people. Eli Manning bruised his squash shoulder (awwwwww), Brandon Jacobs "sprained" his knee (sprained being NFL-speak for "Holy shit, I think his ACL just evaporated!), and Osi Umenyiora sustained a leg injury that kept him out despite the negative X-rays. That's alright though, the Giants D didn't look they needed his help.

Josh McCown
He sprained his finger... by my heel, I care not. Daunte Culpepper didn't get any action in the game but there were plenty of people blowing him in the Black Hole.

Jon Jansen
NOT.FUCKING.FUNNY. The anchor of the Redskins line (and an unquestioned team leader who played out last season's misery with two broken thumbs...he must have bet against Federer too) went down with a dislocated ankle. My fears were not assuaged when I called the Blogfather for an injury update. Apparently he was drunk at some bar with a Redskin hater (I hope Adrian Peterson gets Polio).

Non Injury News

Clinton Portis and Randy Moss
Well that's one debate finally settled, pre-season football is fucking worthless. Both Moss and Portis took a lot of shit for claiming injuries while it was pretty obvious that they just had no interest in getting hit for nothing. Moss was unstoppable and if Portis was as tired as everybody said it didn't seem to matter. The baller formerly known as Janky Spanky scored a touchdown and carried the load in the opening drive of overtime that resulted in the Washington victory. Then he bitched out Dave Feldman, which is always fun!

Seriously Unfunny Injury Item

Kevin Everett
Everyone's prayers remain with Kevin, the Buffalo special teamer who suffered a broken neck during yesterday's game. He's out of surgery and in intensive care. I'm confident that the entire NFL community is thinking of him today.


Unknown said...

You forgot about Jason Ferguson. The NT of a 3-4 defense that didn't look like a defense at all to begin with.

jackin'4beats said...

If that nurse was tending to my injuries, I would be one healthy mo-fo.


Failgoat said...

Jets fans were cheering for Clemens, not the injury.

A subtle distinction, but a critical one.

In related news, Keith Olbermann can choke on my dick.

Wormfather said...

It should be noted that Chad came back in and drove down the field and threw a touchdown.

Fuck up my ankle like that, I'm not even driving to the doctor.

Wormfather said...

Furthermore, the Jets were seriously not the worse performers yesterday.

Wormfather said...


Matt said...

Herm Edwards deserves special recognition.....for being a dumbass.

Edwards (KC): Questionable (Retardation)

gone said...

You forgot the 2 Bucs the Seattle D knocked out of the game.

Good Ole Reliable Caddy (busted rib, possibly bruised)


Jeff "Seriously, I'm not gay! I married a fucking hot fucking chick" Garcia - quote "I was a little disoriented" (otherwise known as I got knocked the fuck out)

Otto Man said...

If anyone's interested, I'm forming a support group for Brandon Jacobs' fantasy owners.

"I see those snacks under your chair. That's OK, snacks are fine by me. We have some Oreos up here if you want, and some coffee."

Unknown said...

How about Lorenzo Neal fucking up Mike Brown's knee with a horse collar- what bullshit that was!
I see Lo at the club once in awhile- I might have to hit him with a beer bottle next time.
I'm sure that will end well.

Matt said...

I was so rooting for Brandon Jacobs to be called Bronson.

Pemulis said...

i'd like to point out that the pats are a bunch of fucking cheaters!

Anonymous said...

otto man,

On behalf of those of us who had Tiki Barber on our roster in 2006, I'd just like to say this to Mr. Jacobs: Karma's a bitch, my friend.

Unsilent Majority said...

Lornezo Neal might kick your ass just for thinking such a thing.

Ben said...

Anyone got a Youtube link for Chad hobbling off the field?

In other news, I'm feeling pretty smart for picking Detroit in the KSK suicide pool for week 1...

Ken Dynamo said...

is that a romeo and juliet quote? what literacy!

shootme said...

Otto - I'm in. I've got Jacobs as my #2 back in two of my leagues and my 2/3 in my third league. I cried. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Chad Pennington, I am not.

Otto Man said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Otto Man said...

While I have it on good authority that strong men also cry, I did not.

I merely sat there muttering "goddammit" over and over again like a drunk guy with Tourette's.

Pemulis said...

my only consolation tonight is you redtube never fucks up its ankle or has a shoulder made of silly putty.

p.s. is nsfw (think youtube, but porn)

ilse said...

Good job, Ken, it is R&J -- Act III scene i, to be specific -- spoken by Mercutio.

[/high school English teacher]

Bringing this back to football, I welcome any excuse to cheer on Jared The Giant Blueberry. I love 285-pound quarterbacks.

Tracer Bullet said...

You left J.R. Reed and Greg Lewis off the injury list, though I guess injuries sustained in a dark alley at the hands of bat-wielding Eagles fans don't count as "game injuries."

Wormfather said...


Does that mean that BS is going to make some joke about edwards being out with a retard?