Thursday, September 6, 2007

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekkake: Chicago Bears

Fast Facts About The Bears:

As part of a dare during the offseason, Brad Maynard successfully punted an aborted pig fetus through a stained glass window of the Chicago Loop Synagogue, while standing at the corner of West Madison Street and North Dearborn. Maynard won $20 and eternal damnation in the afterlife.

Fourth-year Lousaka Polite often interrupts people during conversations, and is prone to calling up old friends during his nights out at movie theatres and restaurants.

Defensive tackle Israel Idonije played his college football at the University of Manitoba. Idonije takes it upon himself to support his parents still living in Canada, as he sends them an extra down after each game.

RB Quadtrine Hill was accidently placed on injured reserve when team officials mistakenly filled his name in for another player's debilitation, only to realize the gaffe when NFL brass rejected the report of DE Daniel Bazuin suffering from a "strained quadtrine."

As part of last spring's St. Patrick's Day festivities, a six-way "Irish Death Match" was scheduled featuring the team of Darrell McClover, Brandon McGowan, and John St. Clair pitted against Mike Brown, Alex Brown, and Ruben Brown. The match resulted in a count-out in favor of the Browns, when St. Clair, the legal man in the ring, gave chase to a heckler who had spent the balance of the match screaming "JOHN STREET CLAIR!"

2007 Projected Record: 11-5, First, NFC North.

2007 Acutal Record: 8-2-6, NFC Wild Card.

Thoughts On The Bears, In Haiku Form

The Offseason Claimed
All The Defensive Weapons
In Tank Johnson's House...

Hester's Big Business
New Touchdown Shop On Offense
Now Open All Day...

Brian Fucked Paris
The Blisters Prove He Needed
Help In Coverage...

Grossman's Errant Throws
Still Not Enough To Revive
The Neckbeard Era...

The Defense Endures
Perhaps They Should Start Playing
Both Sides Of The Ball?

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.


Matt said...

Almost made it through an entire Bears preview without mentioning or showing a picture of the Sex Cannon. Glad we have the post below to make up for that.

twoeightnine said...

Defensive tackle Israel Idonije

Since when did we start allowing Jews to play football?

Wormfather said...

Whew, for a second there I thought you were going to make predictions in haiku. I really dont give a shit either way, wrong is wrong, but TMQ would have been up your ass with a killer diatribe.

Shoot Me Before I Lick Punter Again.

jackin'4beats said...

Those man hands on Paris sure are suspicious. I wonder if BU even noticed her shlong?

Joseph Finn said...

The stained window in question, which is damn nice:

bibliogrrl said...


I've waited all pre-season for THIS?