Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Oh, S--t. Romo Scored 5 TD’s

Wade: Let’s take a look at the stat sheet from Sunday night. Not a bad game for ol’ Wade. See that, pa? 45 daggum points. That’s a pretty good amount.

Wait a second.

Uh oh.

Oh, shit. Romo scored 5 TD’s. Oh, this is not good. Not good at all. That’s a really bad precedent to set. Really bad. I better call someone in the media and see if they can fudge these totals.

(Enter Jones)


Wade: Oh, prairie shit.

Jones: Did you see that?! Have you seen the stat sheet, Tubby? My boy ROMO scored 5 fucking touchdowns! Five! That’s one, two, three, four… FIVEGODDAMNTOUCHDOWNS!!!! YEE HAWWWWW!!!! Boy I tell ya, he treated those Giants like my ancestors treated the entire Sioux nation! Those fuckers ain’t nothin’ but ground up pemmican now!

(fires guns into the air)

Wade: Mr. Jones, I think we shouldn’t get too far ahead of ourselves. That young man had a fine game, but there are some things I think he still he needs to improve upon.

Jones: Oh, you bet he can improve! In fact, I’m counting on YOU to make my boy Romo a goddamn American hero! Picture it, Fatty: 10 TD’s in a single game! In a single half!

Wade: I didn’t mean it quite like that, sir.

Jones: Listen, Lardass. I got big plans for my boy Romo, and I don’t want you fucking them up. This kid’s better than Aikman. He’s mobile, he appeals to my crucial Mexican growth demographic, AND he’s heterosexual!

Wade: Troy Aikman is married, sir.

Jones: Pfft! That’s the biggest sign, you big dumb tub o’ goo!

Wade: What?!

Jones: I want my boy Romo to be up there with the Peyton Manning. Why should my quarterback have to cede the limelight to some pasty hick from Louisiana? My Daddy said the only good thing to come out of Louisiana was Creole voodoo prostitutes! And fuck it if he wuddn’t right! YEEEEEHAWWWWW!!!!!

Wade: Sir, it’s a very long season. He’s still learning, and he’s going to have his ups and downs.

Jones: Oh screw that, you big hungry, hungry hippo! My boy Romo is a STAR! That’s why I want you to make sure he knocks up that little country singer of his.

Wade: Knock her up?

Jones: Damn right! If Tom Brady can knock a starlet up, I want my boy to give that girl Underwood some wood under! In fact, I want twins!

Wade: How do I do that?

Jones: I dunno. Draw up a goddamn scheme, you big fat pig! Make it happen! Now give me a piggyback ride!

Wade: Please, sir…


(hops on Wade’s back, slaps him on the ass)

Wade: This sucks.



SDW said...

Having Jones end every one with "I AM FUCKING CRAZY!" is brilliance. Sheer, unadulterated brilliance.

Martha Van Bork said...

Loving the "Wade and Jerry" tag.

Upstate Underdog said...

This is quickly becoming my favorite series. creole voodoo prostitutes would be a great fantasy football team name.

Chewbacca said...


Your either really, really good at this, or you've got some hi-tech listening devices and spy gear.

Either way, Kudos to you my good man.

flubby said...

In my head, Wade sounds exactly like Butters.

Skye said...

Damn near spilled my coffee on the keyboard. That's bringing the funny.

Anonymous said...

I make fat people give me piggy back rides all the time.

Zac said...

s- Drew likes his balls washed in the afternoon, not this early in the morning.


That may be the oddest line to ever get the unadulterated brilliance tag. I say Kudos to you as well.

Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price said...

In my head, Wade sounds exactly like Butters.

I go with Stan when he's in his "I'm preaching at the end of an episode, listen up" voice. Complete with "Oh God Damn It" and pinch across the bridge of the nose.

Shaun Murray said...

And Jones gets the voice of the oil tycoon from the Simpsons

My Insignificant Life said...

damn.....shot my milk right out of my nose reading this......

Claude Balls said...

Thank you sir. That was exactly what I needed this morning.

The Lazer said...

Wow... Jerry just called Wade "tit-boy." Please explain to my boss why I'm lauging histerically.

(Five One Eight) said...

1 - That was fucking hilarious.

2 - Am I just the last to notice, or does Wade have a real Picasso, Sloth-from-Goonies set of eyes goin' on there?

becky said...

that was indeed hilarious, but I was actually looking for some aborted baby fetuses?

Ryan said...

The only thing missing was Jones beaning Wade in the head with a can of Pepsi Max...

Good work, sir.

Jeff said...

I think the Wade voice needs some work. He's just a foil right now. I think he, as a character, deserves more.
Jones is great. He's all the way wearing chaps and a cowboy hat.

gone said...

...the only good thing to come out of Louisiana was Creole voodoo prostitutes!

I second that. Just don't try to get a freebie.

Otto Man said...

I think the Wade voice needs some work. He's just a foil right now.

As previous posts have shown, the man's too busy thinking about masturbation to do anything else.

I'm talking about Drew, not Wade.

Mike Murray said...

Is it just me, or does anyone else think this is exactly what their interactions are like?

Anonymous said...

"Screw that, you big hungry, hungry hippo!"

Oh, Jesus Christ (wiping away tears). Drew, you made this Eagles fan's day.

Zac said...

Said already, but brilliant. I almost feel like Jones should be talking in all caps, all the time (I think that's written on a plaque in his office).

Chad Stanton said...

As a proud Cowboys fan I want to say that this is some funny funny stuff.

Bstone said...

The Stan/Butters voice isn't red enough for Wade.

I was hearing a less Bayou-infused version of Red Beaulieu.

Anonymous said...

Creole Voodoo Prostitutes! I love it. I am sensing a mid-season buddy comedy, reality series, or a King of the Hill spinoff with these two. I am picturing Wade's voice like Hank Hill, just about ready to bitchslap Dale.