Thursday, September 20, 2007

All I Wanted To Do Was Enjoy My Sandwich

Wade: Good golly, is it 2PM already? Boy, I am famished! Haven’t had time to eat all day. But it seems pretty quiet around here now. Yup, I think I’ll just kick back with this delicious Black Angus sub from Quizno’s. Let me just tear open this small packet of pepper to give this baby a kick! Oh, man. This looks good. Finally, after a long, hard morning, Wade’s finally gonna get some much needed chow in his belly. Now just to open my mouth and direct the sandwich towards my oral cavity…

(Doors fly open)


Wade: Oh, dear God no.

Jones: Did you see what my boy ROMO did to those faggots down in South Beach? That’ll teach Jason Taylor to sell Nivea aftershave balm and fuck white women! My boy Romo is a goddamn star, you big titty monster!

Wade: Sir, if you don’t mind, I’d like to enjoy my lunch for a moment.

Jones: Lunch? You want LUNCH? Hoo boy, the last thing your fat ass needs is scheduled eating! I’m surprised you weren’t fucking that sandwich when I walked in here!

Wade: Sir, please…

Jones: Listen, Moby Dickless, we have work to do! Now, my boy Romo is taking off thanks to my Princeton boy! Get in here, Princeton boy! Look what Ricki Lake here is trying to do to this poor sandwich!

(Enter Jason Garrett)

Garrett: Oh dear. Seems someone matriculated at a school that did NOT teach proper nutrition. Are you in concurrence, Mr. Jones?

Jones: Shit yeah! I didn’t know Hamburger University had a football team!!!!

(Jones and Garrett laugh)

Garrett: My goodness, you are an obese man. Did your parents keep you in the house, or did they simply let you graze out in the pasture? Do you know what we did with the obese students back in Princeton, Mr. Jones?

Jones: Tell me! Tell me!

Garrett: Nothing! Because no one at Princeton is obese! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Jones: Oh, that is fucking great! You know, you’re not so bad, for a Northern queer! I can’t wait for you to take over Bessie The Cow’s job next year!

Wade: Can I just please enjoy my lunch?

Jones: You’ve enjoyed enough lunches for this lifetime and the next, Tubgirl. I’ve got a new assignment for you!

(Enter Tank Johnson)

Tank: I’m Tank. I like guns. And fucking.

Jones: WAAAAAAHOOOOOO!!!!! Look that feller!!! Doesn’t he just look fucking MEAN?

Garrett: Indeed. He’s a terribly frightening Negro.

Jones: I mean, his name is Tank! How can you not like that?

Tank: I want a Slim Jim, motherfucker.

Wade: Well, when I’m finished here, I can help take Tank through the defensive playbook.

Jones: When you’re finished?! I think not, Wade Folds Five! I want this young man starting next week! And I want you to personally get him up to speed!

Wade: Isn't he suspended?

Jones: I'm workin' on that. Don't you worry your fat little blimphead about it.

Wade: I’m just not sure if we can get him ready…

Jones: That’s because you’re too fat and slow! You’re so fat, we had to lower you into the stadium through the hole in the goddamn roof!

Wade: That’s not true!

Jones: This young man is the key to our defensive success! And he’s perfect for our fanbase! He loves guns! Texans love guns! It’s a perfect match! YIPPPPPITY YIPPITY WAAAAAAA!!!!!!

(Fires guns in the air)

Tank: Those are nice guns. I want them.

Jones: Keep ‘em! I’ve got thousands of them!

Garrett: How grand!

Wade: God, I’m starving.

Jones: Tough shit, Flab Wagon! Git your sorry as back to work! WORK! WORK! WORK!

(Beats him with a riding crop)

Wade: I hate my life.



Upstate Underdog said...

Garrett: "Nothing! Because no one at Princeton is obese! Obese people go to Brown and Cornell."

Princeton arrogance always includes putting down other Ivy League schools.

The Last Dragon said...

Holy shit! BDD - keep these Cowboys things coming. They are better than the Vick episodes which were great.

Grimey said...

Wade Phillips probably doesn't even know how to play cocks and quarters....

Raskolnikov said...

I hear Larrity 's voice when Jones speaks.

The Hillbilly Hipster his own self said...

Oh Lord...keep these coming...perfect for a slow Thursday!

leaf said...

Wade Folds Five. Music reference or the folds of flab underneath Wades left tit?

Love this series.

Josh said...

I don't know what was better, "Flab Wagon" or the perfectly-placed Tubgirl reference.

Stellar work.

Upstate Underdog said...

My two favorite insults were, the Ricki Lake reference (very 90's) and Moby Dickless.

JoSCh said...

Hotter, tubgirl, or

jackin'4beats said...

My boy Romo is a goddamn star, you big titty monster!

Now that was hilarious. And Romo is a goddamn star and don't none of you forget it.


/throws kid at police officer

RubyLynn said...

Love, love love this series. Now every time I see that lame Papa John's commercial I always want Jones to say "I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!" at the end.

JAMMQ said...

These "make believe" transcripts are only 97% true.

This was actually Phillips second sandwich of the day. The first one he stuffed in his face while hiding under his desk around 11 a.m.

ColeTrain said...

Only syphilitic horse creatures go to Brown.

Unknown said...

BDD is god-like.

ben said...

Garrett's voice is pitch-perfect.

"Oh, I'm sorry - us Princetonians don't have anuses."

T Dizzle said...

Jesus that is hilarious, I imagine Jerry Jones on a stick pony skipping around Wade's office.

Terry Tate, Office Linebacker said...

Really? Tubgirl? wow. That's Pulitzer material right there.

i like that I can actually hear this conversation going on in my head and it doesn't seem so far-fetched...

liquid_d said...

All these people now have voices from the Simpsons:
Jones - oil-tycoon, texas guy
Wade - Gil
Garrett - Sideshow Bob
Tank - Drederic Tatum

gone said...

I'm beginning to actually feel sorry for Wade.

Captain Caveman said...

File liquid_d's comment under "People who see Simpsons in everything whether it's justified or not."

Big Daddy Drew said...

Yeah, I ripped those characters off from OTHER places, too!

Steve said...

Aside from these Wade and Jerry episodes being hilarious they are actually starting to make me feel sorry for Wade Phillips. I really think it might be like this.

Zac said...

Was just about to say, I was watching the Cowboys game last week, and when they'd show Wade I'd feel bad for how hard it must be working for Jerry, even though that idea is based totally on these skits. Football season + Wade & Jerry = much more interesting.

Lloyd Christmas said...

"I’m surprised you weren’t fucking that sandwich when I walked in here!"

Classic, keep em comin.

Weed Against Speed said...

liquid_d imagines Caveman's last comment being spoken by Comic Book Guy.

Silverback 55 said...

I am now going to use the phrase, the last thing you need is scheduled eating, at my chubby co-workers. Keep the gold coming guys.

Shawn said...

Drew, you must ride this plot to it's end. Absofuckinglutely beautiful.

Wormfather said...

That was fucking amazing.

I'm suprised you werent fucking that sandwich

Wade folds five


BeaverFever said...

Great stuff, I almost stood up in front of my computer to clap and give it a standing ovation.

When I read it I imagine Jerry Jones pronouncing the word sandwich as "samich" like Cotton Hill from "King of the Hill".

Hooks Orpik said...

My favorite part is how Wade is always portrayed as a a sympathetic character as a man unable to fufill simple needs (eating a sandwich, masturbating, etc).

BTW Now whenever I leave a room I am prone to yelling "YEE HAW I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!"

Unknown said...

Moby Dickless?

+1, good sir.

Cecilio's Scribe said...

"Indeed he's a very frightening Negro." Pure genius. Can imagine Jason taking a ponderous moment to step back and observe the specimen that is Tank Johnson and comment thusly.

This is quickly evolving into my favorite series. Looking forward to next week's episode...

swing4 said...

I snorted audibly at "I want a Slimjim, motherfucker." Nice work.