Mocking the Pats vs. Sex. WHO YA GOT?

We've sadly come to the final WHO YA GOT? until September and we're left to wonder what can carry us across the seven-month void of no football. Likely it's two activities that will never get old: maliciously glorying in the Greatest Choke Job of All-Time (tm 2007 New England Patriots, all rights reserved) or some good old-fashioned fucking, like yo mamma used to make. Which is better? Which will help us more to cope with the offseason? WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Laughing at the Patriots______Coitus

Fucked in what sense

Figurative_____Literal, also the butt if you bought dinner

Requires

Ability to point, say "18-1"______Sexual organs, booze

Who can't do it

Whiny, hypocritical Pats fans__________Dr. Who fans

Downside

Tummy hurts from laughing so much__AIDS, assorted other STDs, children

Has Eli done it?

Yes_________Eli wouldn't know

Finishing move

Working mocking the Pats into your fucking

Halftime Opening Song: "Learning to Fly" vs. "American Girl" WHO YA GOT?

It's the duty of all Super Bowl organizers to find long-in-the-tooth, formerly respectable artists and make them play their most anodyne hits for the overexcited nitwits on the field and the bored drunk people at home. That didn't stop Prince from rocking shit last year, but how will Tom Petty fare? Got something upbeat? That's going in the playlist. Something about America, or at least has the words "America" or "American" in the title? You beat your hippie ass you're playing that. But which will be first? WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

"Learning to Fly"_______"American Girl"

Recorded

1991_________1976

Song actually about

Drugs___________Girls from America who enjoy drugs

Length comparison

1.0 = .891

Present day use

Movie trailers__________Car commericials

Allmusic.com pretention

LtF: "It's pleasant but never really goes anywhere -- up or down -- but it's solid"

AG: "Guitarist Mike Campbell reels off a simple solo that develops into a rapid-fire arpeggio as the song makes its quick fade. It's over before it starts, really -- clean, simple, that's its appeal."

TV analyst mostly likely to dislike it

Bradshaw, who doesn't like learning___Joe Buck, who doesn't like girls

Finishing Move

Hairy nip slip______Playing some shitty single off a new album

Idle Sands: Cactus vs. Tumbleweed. Bye Week Desert Showdown. WHO YA GOT?

It's the first weekend since the summer that's sans football but that doesn't mean we don't have some vicious rivalry that we can occupy ourselves with until the media circus commences next week. All this southwestern indolence is just the thing to make us forget about the mesmeric excitement of the game. Why, I don't miss it at all...I...just... OHGODINEEDFOOTBALLHELPMEHELPMEHELPMEWHOYAGOT?

Contestants

Saguaro__________Tumbleweed

Football applications

Pylon?_______Fuck. I don't know. Just give me football.


Kinda like the Super Bowl because

Prickly, like Tom Coughlin__Contains sticks, dirt, animal feces, like Logan Mankins' beard

Evocative of

Uh, not football________Soccer, in its ability to bore

Provides

Water______Also water. Wait, no. Just sticks.

Can Tom Brady fuck it?

Sure, why not?______Moves too fast for his boot

Can pass for

[Sigh] I don't know_____BRING ME A WHOPPER FOOTBALL

Finishing move

Sitting there______Best guess: tumbling

The Epic Douchefrontation: Massholes vs. Marmalard. WHO YA GOT?

The game may not be all that competitive on the field but there'll be plenty of grist for the douche mill in this pitched battle of the obnoxious, with the bandwagon, pink hatted, fairweather, occasionally violent, racist and retaaaaaaahded fans of the Paytreeuts square off with Marmalard himself. The combined forces of douche converging could make the universe collapse on itself, which is a preferable eventuality than the Patriots winning it all. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

New England Patriots fans_________Philip Rivers

Been Around the NFL Since

2001___________2004

Can't Find

A minority among them_______His teammates after the game

Frightening Facial Feature

Patriots helmet tattoo____________Laserface

Fallback

"The real season staaaarts in April"_______Volektricity

In Love With

Jennaaaaaafaaaaaaa_____Chastity, who surprisingly isn't a stripper

How You Know They're Coming

Light dims, animals flee________[door flies open]

Opening move

Clearing out all the "dddaaaaakies"__Ya betta ask somebodddaaaayyyyyy

Finishing Move

Ending every blog comment with "19-0"___Making you root for him

For those in the D.C. area who care to join, I'll be watching the game at Murphy's in Alexandria, home of "the largest Patriots fan club in the mid-Atlantic region." Sure, the team will almost certainly win, but all that C4 I plant might put the kibosh on their celebration. I'm kidding, of course. Grenades will work fine. Thanks for those, Ufford!

Ruined Romo vs. Evil Eli. WHO YA GOT?

The divisional round seems like a unnecessary matter of course before we get served our respective regular season rematch conference title games of Packers-Cowboys and Colts-Patriots. Therefore, we're fed a plateful of tepid rivalries this weekend, so we have to go with the one that has the best chance of being a good game (that's a lie: actually Packers-Seahawks is probably the most even game of the weekend, but I find it boring). But this is the NFC East, so there's history. Or, more accurately, there are two goofy quarterbacks who are subjects of running jokes. So, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Tony Romo___________Elisha Manning

Owes success to

Miscegenation_______Faint stubble (new), family name (milked for all time)

Distracted by

Jessica Simpson_________Big-time squash tournament he's missing

Will need

Terrell Owens_____Coaches to ransom his dirtbike a little longer

Leads the league in

Smiles, by gum SMILES AS BIG AS ALL OUTDOORS_____Insincere half-smirks

Hoping to overcome

Past playoff flub__________Limited interest in the game

Rock Band role

On guitar, ebullience_______Vocals, flustered shrugs

Finishing move

Saving Wade's job_______Just doing enough to keep his own

Ufford vs. The Maj. WHO YA GOT?

The playoffs have arrived and half of the rooting interests of KSK writers have earned the right to be eliminated by the second round. Sadly flubby's Raiders, Punter's Bengals and Drew's Vikings were cast by the NFL wayside. My poor injury ravaged Steelers will probably be starting a few tough looking traffic cones at safety and offensive line against a suddenly supa popula Jacksonville team (if you're gonna beat us, at least have the courtesy to beat New England, you humps). We know at least one team will survive for the divisional round: Caveman's Seahawks or the Maj's Redskins. WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Captain Caveman_______Unsilent Majority

Own projects

With Leather______Every other fucking blog on the internet

Typical apparel

Pinstripe pants and flaming red button down shirt with Spanish
flourishes________Whatever fucking sneakers Gilbert Arenas is flacking

Extralegal activities

Killing hookers_______Smoking weed stolen from dead hookers

Calls in favors from

Marine friends__________Other Jew columnists

Fond of

50-cent words_________50 Cent (kidding, he blows Kanye)

Toughest conflict

Iraq War___________Potomac, Md. money fight

Dislikes

The Big Lead______People of non-diminutive size who don't play basketball

Finishing move

Antagonizing columnists at podunk newspapers___Making shitty bets

Humorous side note: The shoe pictured above is one Clinton Portis signed recently for the Maj, but addressed it to the wrong name. His name is not Jeff.

Patriots/Giants on NBC vs. Patriots/Giants on CBS. WHO YA GOT?

It's the first NFL game being simulcast by two major networks since Super Bowl I, and the first ever in which reserves will play a prominent role. No matter which station you tune into, you're getting the same feed of the NFL Network's dolorous Bryant Gumble dronefest. The winner of the ratings showdown is more in doubt and probably just as consequential as the winner of this game. WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

National Broadcasting Company________Columbia Broadcasting System

Television suits whose names are bandied about but you don't need to know

Dick Ebersol__________Leslie Moonves

Game causing viewers to miss

Midseason bullshit game show brought on because of the writer's strike___Quickly cobbled together made-for-TV movie on San Francisco zoo tiger mauling

Technological edge

Advanced cameras can capture all of J-Load in one shot___Keith Olbermann's smug blocks out competing signals

Suck off Tom Brady?

Yes_______________Oh God, yes

Suck off Eli Manning?

Maybe Costas__________Cowher's new teeth might hurt

Will mark Patriots perfect regular season with

Shocking restraint________Giving Bill Simmons the shocker while he's in restraints

When Giants backups come in

Tiki Barber forced to play_____Spanish announce team secretly takes over

That sound you'll be hearing

Rupert Murdoch seething________Rich Eisen beating off to local affiliate anchor

Finishing move

Stay tuned for an SNL rerun_____90% of CBS viewers asleep by halftime

Super Mario vs. One of Those Gay Manning Koopa Kids. WHO YA GOT?

Hey, it's a match-up for former number 1 picks who actually panned out into pretty good players. What's more, it's a situation in which the two players actually interact with one another, not like when two superstar players who both play offense or defense happen to be in the same game and we have to pretend one's performance can affect the other. Hey, look Purple Jesus put 125 on the 'Skins. He totally shut down Clinton Portis! Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Mario Williams_______Peyton Manning

No. 1 pick of

2006 NFL Draft_______Unimaginative advertisers everywhere


Power ups

Stars, mushrooms, flowers, construda__Gesturing frantically at line, buttsecks

Helped by

Warp pipe to quarterback_______Hiding in Elisha Koopa's squash fortress


Made famous by

Being better than Reggie Bush___Sticking Captain N's light gun up his chute


Rides

Kart________Chesney, on a cart


Can fly if

Wears a yellow cape_______Loafers get light enough

Favorite environment

Water level__________Fire (Island) level

Finishing move

Saves princess___________Surgery to become princess

Mistake by the Lake vs. Insidious Cosmic Joke by the Same Lake. WHO YA GOT?

It's a battle for Lake Erie supremacy, dredging duties and wasted playoff berths as two surprising teams string their respective long-suffering fanbases along just a little longer. Who gets led down the garden path a little further to impending disappointment? Who bemoans fate louder? But more importantly, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Cleveland Browns__________Buffalo Bills

Effect on local waterways

Becomes flammable___________Becomes sausage gravy

SI designated city nickname

Believeland_______Mark Ruffalo (PK picked that one)

Intimidates opponents with

Raffish disregard of defense________Frightening 289 photoshop

Reasons for inclusion of M.I.A. on 2007 best-of list

Looking open-minded_______Marv Levy likes that exotic ass

Favorite new word

w00t_________wuh-erd?

What they'll bring to the postseason

History of futility______History of humorous futility

Finishing move

They're all witnesses_________They're feral in their whiteness

Cosplay Showdown: Tom of Finland Wet Dream vs. Hunched Over Colonial Williamsburg Employee. WHO YA GOT?

This Sunday's game is billed as the last the Patriots have a legitimate shot at losing, even though they're 10 1/2 point favorites and still have dried Tony Kornheiser spooge stains on their jerseys from last Monday. But in terms of gay mascots, Pat the prone Patriot may have finally met his match. Steely McBeam has been sculpting his pubic hair for months. He says there are some interesting topiaries down there. WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Steely McBeam____________Pat Patriot

Start a War, Start a Nuclear War

At the gay bar_______________gay bar GAY BAR

Guarantee

Happy ending___________Demonstration of 18th-century happy ending

Shameful Secret

Only around football for the dudes__Actually George Steinbrenner

Liabilities

Lovers thrown off by skin-colored shirt____Makes disappointing town crier

History

Hopefully none beyond this season___Don't ask Pats fans, they didn't like the team before 2001

Common greeting

Heyyyyy_________________Heyyyyyeth

Finishing move

Runs away to North Carolina with Bill Cowher____Shows Randy Moss an even gayer TD celebration than his current one.

P.S. -- Fuck off, David Fleming and King Kaufman. You too, PK.
NNNNNNOOOOOO, the urtard picked the Steelers, too.

Gunslinger vs. Young Grinner. WHO YA GOT?

Tonight is the NFC's low-rent answer to the Patriots and Colts. How low-rent? Half the fucking country, including this writer, can't watch it because it's on the NFL Network. So, thanks again, Comcast for giving me an Ice Bowl-worthy Icy Mike and raising my rates. At the very least, I'll miss three hours of announcer fluffing for Brett Farve and Tony Romo. One foolproof way to keep up with the score for tonight's contest is to crack a window and listen for Peter King orgasmic cries. A clue: the ones for Favre are in a slightly lower register. Anyway, Who Ya Got?

Contestants

Brett Favre_________________Tony Romo

Current Story Arc

Better than EVAH?______________Smiles, though his heart his aching

Sesame Street character

Prarie Dawn_______________Guy Smiley

New BFF

Media that has clearly always disdained him_____Terrell Owens, Sophia Bush

Spends free time

Voting for Mr. Splashy Pants________perfecting Romo Mind Tricks

Finishing move

Only PK and Mr. Hat know for sure________________Chasing the dragon

Smug Face vs. Fug Face. WHO YA GOT?

The top two seeds in the AFC last season are barely hanging onto faint playoff hopes with only a few weeks remaining in the regular season. When heads eventually roll, they'll probably bear the visages of these two clowns. Likely, incompetence will emerge Hydra-like from the stumps. In the meantime, we can find out who'll be king of the unemployment line in the offseason. WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Brian Billick_______Norv Turner


Springboard to head coaching job

1998 Vikings_________'91-'93 Cowboys


Favorite stench

Own farts_________Failure


Thanksgiving experience

Changing recipes, chiding family for disliking the results___burning cereal


Hero

Ronald Reagan_____________Ronald Raygun


Excuse for losing

Gameplan perhaps too brilliant____________Marmalard


All they want for Christmas

BOOT! BOOT! BOOOOOOOT!_______________Journey album


Finishing move

Condescension toward doubters______Getting hired by another team

Bumptious Boy Billionaire vs. Twisted Leatherfaced Plutocrat. WHO YA GOT?

The Redskins and Cowboys renew their historic rivalry in what a few weeks ago looked to be a compelling contest, but now appears to be an event that may not help Unsilent Majority in this moment of great blockage. The free agent era having eroded any sense of continuity in the league, the only enduring faces we've left with are those in the owner's box. And these two teams are stewarded by the most megalomaniacal men in the country who don't hold public office. If it weren't for these guys, it'd only be Redskins and Cowboys fans who'd make the teams unlikable. So, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Dan Snyder_____________Jerry Jones

Bought team in

1999___________________1989

Franchise record since taking over (incld. postseason)

66-75, two playoff victories________171-135, three Super Bowl titles

Lapdog

Vinny Cerrato______________Wade Phillips

Obvious descriptors

Napoleonic short knocker___________Criminally insane, but tensile

Fictional likeness

Charles Foster Kane, minus three feet___George Nelson from "O Brother Where Art Thou"

Dislikes

The media, trees on his property____________The boundaries of reason


Pals around with

Tom Cruise____Saudi ambassador Prince Bandar bin Sultan ("Bandar Bush")

When feeling blue

Awards 6-year contract to faded veteran_____Tittyfucks Wade

Finishing move

Raising ticket, parking lot prices___YYYEEEHHAWWW I AM FUCKING CRAZY

Patriots vs. Bye. WHO YA GOT?

Sure, there are games this week that will decide the division lead in the NFC East and the AFC North, but who gives a warm saucer of amniotic fluid about who leads those loser divisions? We want to know about the Patriots. Who is attaching an asterisk to their season, or a circumflex, or an umlaut or those crazy interlocking S's you sometimes see in academic papers. What do those mean, anyway? WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Patriots______________Bye week

Record

9-0_______________0-0-9

Strengths

Insufferability, winning________Idle time to fill with Heroin Hero

Affiliation with Satan

His team_________________His plaything

Letdown

Bye week unlikely to accuse them of running up the score_____Also unlikely to collect bounty on Brady

Weaknesses

Rush defense, officials who actually call Randy Moss for pushing off____Solely a temporal abstract, not actual football team (like rest of AFC East)

Versus Bengals

38-16_________ few dozen arrests

Bragging rights

Not playing, yet discussed at length during all other games__Not losing to New England

Finishing move

Fucking up fantasy owners___Putting up a better fight than the Redskins

Yinz vs. Hons. WHO YA GOT?

As SBXLI 1/2 occupies all discourse, both rational and Easterbrookian, this week, a few other somewhat compelling matches are getting the short shrift. Among them is a battle for the AFC North in which I have absolutely no emotion invested. No, I don't hate Baltimore at all. I hear it's a wonderful city to get murdered in. 500 some odd people a year can't be wrong. So, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Pittsburgh___________________Baltimore

Socioeconomic status

Working class________________Murdering class

Things too horrifying to contemplate

Steely McBeam__________"The higher the hair, the closer to God."

Faux pas

Pretension______________Snitching

Concession to fashion

Terrible Towel and ski goggles(Dan Cortese, is that you?)__Purple camo pants, outstanding warrant

Unironic city slogans

"Imagine what you can do"________________"The city that reads"

Hometown beer no longer brewed in hometown

Rolling Rock_____________________Natty Boh

Hated by

Ufford__________________God

Constant disappointment

Ricardo Colclough_________Brian Billick, life

Finishing move

Moving out of Pittsburgh____________Getting killed in Baltimore

Major Dad vs. Lt. Eckhardt. WHO YA GOT?

It may not mean much in the grand scheme of the league, this meeting of the 2-4s, but it does mark the first showdown between Andy Reid and his former coordinator, Brad Childress. And it may be the last. They were once allies, now they're - well, they're not really bitter foes. But they have embittered the fans of their respective teams. Let the bad blood flow while they still have jobs. WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Brad Childress_______________Andy Reid

Sobriquet

Bald Clueless _______________Fatty Lumpkins

Mustache dye color

Auburn___________Honey mustard sauce

Secret weapon

Purple Jesus_________The best white receiver who isn't Wes Welker

Preferred weapon

Shitty quarterback________________Whiny quarterback

Innovations

Keeping best player on bench___________McDonald's as a pizza topping

Shameful admission

Outshined by Mike Tice_____________Has sons dumber than Mike Tice

Weakness

Passing on 3rd and short _____________Bacolate and scrapple

Finishing move

Three and out____________Finishing move? Wait, so you're not finishing that?


Note: Reader Michael D. insists that Michael Jeter's version of Mr. Noodle is a better Brad Childress doppelganger. You be the judge.

Credit to Welcome to Tardville for the Reid pic.

Drecksonville vs. Crapapolis. WHO YA GOT?

It's a battle for supremacy in the AFC South, with the quietly powerful and workmanlike (read: boring) Jaguars hosting the Colts, the NFL's top alsoran to the Patriots, and, you know, the defending champs. Jacksonville winning would temper the next soon to be painfully hyped battle of the unbeatens in a few weeks. And we can't have that. Seriously, this week's games are abysmal. WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Jacksonville Jaguars___________________Indianapolis Colts

Record

4-1______________________5-0

Named for

Andrew Jackson__________________The fucking state it occupies

Bragging rights

Ran for 375 yards on Indy last December____Their bearded white receiver is actually good

Why are you living there?

Those awful Tampa Bay snobs_____Frightened by all the blacks in Gary

"Contributions" to American culture

Limp Bizkit____________________Indianapolis Motor Speedway

Redeeming qualities

Lemme get back to you on that one__________Stole team from Baltimore

Notable former residents

Okay, it's warm in the wintertime__________________Kurt Vonnegut

Favorite form of credit

MJD's goal post ATM___________Tony Dungy's indulgences

Finishing move

Die of boredom_________________Move to Florida, die of boredom

Dreamboat vs. Barco de Sueno. WHO YA GOT?

They're calling it a preview of the Super Bowl, but this match-up between New England and Dallas really is an intercontinental maritime quarterback showdown the likes of which never before seen. It's bound to be the most excessively hyped regular season game of the year, at least until the Pats play the Colts. The winner will be showered with golden praise. The loser will be taunted and booed and fellated until PK's throat is sore. WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Tom Brady____________Tony Romo

Annoying first mate

Bill Simmons__________________Peter King

El Capitans

Bob Kraft and Bill Belichick_________________Wade and Jerry

Crew members

Needy children__________________Needy Mexicans

Cum dumpsters

Gisele/Bridget Moynahan_________Carrie Underwood/Jessica Simpson

Bounty

$30 and rising_________________Treasure of the Sierra Madre

Endorsements

Stetson____________________Diet Pepsi Max

Favorable conditions

Playing Cowboys defense____________Hispanic Heritage Month

Abiding wisdom

Player's Guide______________Parcells' 11 Commandments

Occasionally humorous YouTube devotee

Fitzy_________________________Halen88

Finishing Move

Destroying family values____________Not speaking American!

Jon Jeebus vs. Joe Jeebus. WHO YA GOT?

Praise be! The Lord's favored football disciples are rewarded by being on winning teams. Tony Dungy's Colts are 4-0, Shaun Alexander's C-Hox are 3-1, and facing off this week are Jon Kitna's surprising 3-1 Lions and Joe Gibbs' 2-1 godless sun worshipers. Of course, God's linebacker, Ray Lewis, is holding everybody back with the Ravens' disappointing 2-2 start, but he's been known to stray from time to time, anyway. Jesus' love is on the line. WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Jon Kitna_________________Joe Gibbs

Worships

Healing God ________________Vengeful God

Worshiped blindly by

Peter King_____________Fatuous Redskins fans

Alternative career

Project Mayhem participant____________NASCAR team owner

Sinister force pulling the strings

Matt Millen_________________Dan Snyder

Goals for season

Win 10 games______give Brandon Lloyd that old time religion

Sacrament

Piece of the true cross___________Understanding of game as it was played in Biblical times


Finishing move

Same:

Ocho Cinco. "A Disgusting Act." WHO YA GOT?

Though the matchup this Monday night hardly seems in doubt, what with Rudi Johnson ruled out and the Bengals' defensive unit only showing up as a formality, if at all. That doesn't mean we can't comment on this special showdown of intransigent receivers. So, America, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Chad Johnson__________________Randy Moss

Stats

442 yds., three TDs_______________403 yds., five TDs

Catch phrase

HUGH!________________Straight cash, homie

Alienates fans by:

Importing Spanish, however incorrect, in his nickname, Ocho AMERICA ZERO!____________Slacking off

Sympathetic to Kevin Curtis' struggle?

No________________________Fuck nah

Inspires lyrics from:

Ryan Parker_______________________Outkast

Favorite hipster FroYo chain

Kiwiberri________________________Pinkberry

Daring feat

Leapt into Dawg Pound_______________Played for Raiders

Can outrun:

A horse_________________His demons

Finishing Move

Whatever it is, it'll be covered exhaustively by ESPN______Same amount of coverage, just with more scolding