Friday, December 28, 2007

Patriots/Giants on NBC vs. Patriots/Giants on CBS. WHO YA GOT?

It's the first NFL game being simulcast by two major networks since Super Bowl I, and the first ever in which reserves will play a prominent role. No matter which station you tune into, you're getting the same feed of the NFL Network's dolorous Bryant Gumble dronefest. The winner of the ratings showdown is more in doubt and probably just as consequential as the winner of this game. WHO YA GOT?


National Broadcasting Company________Columbia Broadcasting System

Television suits whose names are bandied about but you don't need to know

Dick Ebersol__________Leslie Moonves

Game causing viewers to miss

Midseason bullshit game show brought on because of the writer's strike___Quickly cobbled together made-for-TV movie on San Francisco zoo tiger mauling

Technological edge

Advanced cameras can capture all of J-Load in one shot___Keith Olbermann's smug blocks out competing signals

Suck off Tom Brady?

Yes_______________Oh God, yes

Suck off Eli Manning?

Maybe Costas__________Cowher's new teeth might hurt

Will mark Patriots perfect regular season with

Shocking restraint________Giving Bill Simmons the shocker while he's in restraints

When Giants backups come in

Tiki Barber forced to play_____Spanish announce team secretly takes over

That sound you'll be hearing

Rupert Murdoch seething________Rich Eisen beating off to local affiliate anchor

Finishing move

Stay tuned for an SNL rerun_____90% of CBS viewers asleep by halftime


Unknown said...

If CBS were, in fact, to have a Spanish announce team take over once the reserves got in, I'd have to take them. But it's not a call that I'm going to have to make, since I'll be at the game Saturday, and, as a Giants fan, I'm a) extremely pissed that many (if not most) Giants fans are selling off their tickets to Masshole fucks instead of being true fans and trying to rally the team in a game it's got maybe a 0.05% chance of winning and b) looking forward to beating the shit out of several said Massholes that show up to the game to remind them that even if their pro sports teams are kicking-ass right now, they still fucking suck at life.

Harry Ballzana said...

I bet big Bill snuffs Coughlin after the game is over.

Anonymous said...

Well, both networks do suck in their essentially similar yet unique ways....well, since NBC has 30 Rock, NBC wins.

One Wanker said...

The tiger mauling actually happened in San Francisco -- not San Diego.

Trader Rick said...

Rich Eisen beating off to local affiliate anchor

Rob I said...

Joe Damato told me that the game is actually pre-empting Good Night and Good Luck on NBC.

hfrog355 said...

Is one wanker really Joe Damato?

NBC can't win with 30 Rock. CBS has How I Met Your Mother, which kicks just about everything in the balls. Actually CBS's Monday night is all pretty good.

smurphette said...

I think the NBC Sunday night games have the best picture quality, so I'd be inclined to sway that way, but since it's going to be the NFL Network feed, it's probably a wash. Still, as a Notre Dame alumna, I think I am required to go with NBC.

Christmas Ape said...

I'll watch whichever network lets Carl say his piece.

Stephen said...

NBC has Seinfeld and Cheers!

CBS has Murder She Wrote!

How could I possibly choose?

Otto Man said...

I'm still upset that the game won't be aired on Fox.

Without a dancing robot lineman, how can I enjoy the game?

Christmas Ape said...

Poor Cleatus

My Insignificant Life said...

@ Cousins of Ron Mexico

NBC had Matlock

Runs over Jessica Fletcher in a Barney Fife driven squad car.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

NBC has the clear advantage, between the Faith Hill theme song, subtle yet persuasive Sprint product placement, and those "let's make this game seem infinitely more significant than it actually is" SNF montages. Who needs dancing robots when you have a Joan Jett song cleverly updated to appeal to today's football-watching youth?


hfrog355 said...

There are few things I hate more than Fox Sports broadcasting. Cleatus needs to move on in life to bigger and better things. Like assembling mid-size sedans.

I will agree that even with Madden weighing them down, NBC puts on a solid Sunday night program. I'm on CBS all day though.

Unsilent Majority said...

NBC can't win with 30 Rock. CBS has How I Met Your Mother, which kicks just about everything in the balls. Actually CBS's Monday night is all pretty good.

Alright Matt, hand over the testicles

hfrog355 said...

No way, they're mine!

How do you go wrong with Dougie Houser (playing a straight dude) pulling unbelievably hot ass, an apartment of nerds trying to run a train on their neighbor (whose a 10) and an unemployed guy who has made an art out of casual sex? I stand by my Monday night.

Rob I said...

How do you go wrong with Dougie Houser

You start by misspelling a classic TV show and end by defending sitcoms that still have laugh tracks.

SDW said...

NBC in a walk. What other network would be ballsy enough to turn off all the studio lights for their halftime show and light candles to save the environment... for one night...?

As for the theme song, does anyone believe Faith Hill even watches football? Product placement makes me want to vomit in my shoe. Fuck NBC.

Except 30 Rock. And The Office.

And don't forget: CBS gainfully employs Randy Cross. Die.

Unknown said...

I'll take CBS purely because Leslie Moonves has a hot wife...

naptown drew said...

As long as Joe Buck is not involved, we all win.

BTW, thanks for holding it down properly this week, Ape.

smurphette said...

Ditto what my fellow Naptown native said. Hell of a job this week, Ape :)

hfrog355 said...

@ rob i

Fair enough. I can't argue with that.

-Sighs. Puts jar with nuts on Maj's desk.-

Cherie L said...

I think I'll watch the Pittsburgh - Dayton game. Go Flyers!

Climber said...

Fuck the networks. What's the over/under on Brady's knee suffering a Gillooley?

Otto Man said...

Glad to see Matt abandoned a losing proposition.

It would've been easier to argue on behalf of the Nuremburg defendants than make the case for the network responsible for "Two and a Half Men."

Christmas Ape said...

Thanks muchly, smurphette and Drew