Thursday, December 13, 2007

A KSK Exklusive! The Mitchell Report – EARLY RELEASE!

I know we’re a football blog, but this morning something came across our desk that was so explosive, so stunning, that we had to share it with you. That’s right. We at KSK are the first media source to have full access to the Mitchell Report. Here now is your first look at its full, unedited contents.

13th of December, Two Thousand And Seven

To Whom It May Concern:

After two years of exhaustive research on the Mitchell Report, we have reached the following conclusions:

  • Scott Mitchell, former quarterback for the Dolphins, Lions, Ravens, and Bengals, fucking sucked. I mean, he really really really sucked. I mean, there was that one year in Detroit where Herman Moore caught all his errant passes. But otherwise, man, did he blow rhinoceros dong.
  • We have also concluded that Scott Mitchell looks like a big stupid pile of shit. Just take a look at him. "Durrrrrrr..." What a goon. He's probably got all the cognitive skills of a fucking Pop Warner equipment manager. He doesn't even look like he could sort shapes, much less run a pro offense. I bet he puts his shirt on backwards every morning.
  • We have also concluded that only the Lions would have been dumb enough to hand this uncoordinated asshole a $5 million bonus. All because he was tall. Jesus.
  • We have also concluded that he may have been gay. One time, he spent ten minutes in the team whirlpool with Johnnie Morton. We think there may have been footsie.
  • We have tracked Mitchell down at his home in rural Utah. Last week, he took out the trash. He probably fucked that up as well. Loser.
  • There are no steroids in football. And if Scott Mitchell had taken them, it would have just made him even clumsier in the pocket. He was like Richard Kiel back there. Just thinking about him trying to field a shotgun snap makes me want to run a mezzaluna across my throat.
  • Fuck Scott Mitchell.


MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Beautifully done, BDD!!!

Last week, he took out the trash. He probably fucked that up as well

Probably threw it towards the recycle bin

Phony Gwynn said...

Next time someone asks me why I have a tattoo of 19 in Roman numerals, I'm going to tell them "for Scott Mitchell" and watch their head explode.

Hank Scorpio said...

Wayne Fontes approves of this story.

Farthammer said...

He looks like a cross between Neil O'Donnell and Ryan Leaf in that photo. He played like it as well.

the great bambi said...

i hear that round of footsie in the whirlpool is what led barry sanders to retire...way to go scott

Otto Man said...

"Arteries clogging ... Mitchell! Blood pressure rising ... Mitchell!"

Steve said...

Senator Mitchell suspiciously left out of the report that Scott is his son that he disowned in 2000. He just couldn't take it any more. When asked about his sons, he only acknowledges Matthew, who is the head coach of Kentucky's women's basketball team.

Five Pound Bag said...

Thanks for locating him, bdd! Do you know if he'd come back to Miami? We need cannon fodder... er, a QB, post-haste!

Randy Mueller

brad said...

I STILL wonder what would have happened if the Lions signed Warren Moon in free agency instead of Mitchell.

Anonymous said...

Warren Moon would probably be the answer to some obscure trivia question. Detroit is like a desert, nothing grows there, it just withers and dies.

Look on the bright side, one day, you'll all be able to look back and wonder about what Calvin Johnson could have been if he'd been drafted by any other team.

Unknown said...

Ryan Leaf..sweet jesus in a speedo..he does look like that fuckwit. Kudos to gracebrady21 for mentioning one of the worse draft picks in San Diego Charger history.

evan said...

Mike Mamula is not impressed by these conclusions.