A KSK Exklusive! Professional Athlete... Drinking!

Jesus, it's always something with this Cutler guy.

UPDATED: KSK Exklusive! Joe Buck Gets Drunk In Vegas, Declares Vasectomy and Wearing Of Jock Strap

By now you should know never to trust any sort of rumor-mongering published here at KSK, and this item is no exception. It comes to us third-hand from an anonymous fan who spends his workday toiling as Office Drone #3497 in Sector 7G over in Bristol, and was forwarded this story from a friend of a friend of a… you get the idea. This could all be bullshit, and it has that distinct whiff. But, even as fiction, it’s still a damn fine read.

I’d also like to caveat this story by saying that, contrary to many blog folk, I have no real problem with Joe Buck. Does a perfectly good job for me. And now that I know he allegedly likes to get shithoused and wear a jock under his clothes when he parties, I like him even more. Read on:

Tuesday night, March 4th, I had the single most bizarre experience I have ever had in numerous Vegas trips. A friend in my group knew a guy who got us table service at Moon nightclub at the Palms for a cheap rate. So we roll in w/ 19 people and start having a great time…

So we're at Moon for about 30 minutes having a spectacular time when my friend says "Hey, wait a second, I think I just saw Joe Buck." We all laugh it off. About twenty minutes later my friend yells my name across the bar and motions for me to come over. I walk over and he says "Bob (name changed), I'd like you to meet Joe Buck." Standing there in all of his glory is Joe Buck. The guy is pretty damn tall, but that isn't what stands out. What stands out is Joe Buck's freakishly large head. I mean his head is *HUGE*. We agree that Joe Buck has the largest head-to-body ratio we've ever seen. A Joe Buck bobblehead would ironically be an accurate representation of Joe Buck.

We get talking with him, expecting him to peace out within the first five minutes. Surprisingly, Joe Buck won't stop talking. He tells us of his glory days at Indiana University. He recounts some memorable sports moments he has witnessed. He talks about being 38, married, and having two kids. He takes a picture with us. We're thrilled - this is B-list celebrity at its best! Little did we know that Joe Buck had a sinister plan behind all of his seeming friendliness. He starts (talking to) my friend Jenny (name changed) incessantly and buying her bottles of Miller Lite using $100 bills. It's go time for Joe Buck.

Joe mentions that the Super Bowl was the greatest sporting event he has ever witnessed. He claims that he is afraid he has "peaked" and that he's on the downside of his career now. His mood turns darker. Later during the same "great sports moments" conversation Joe mentions the 2004 MLB Playoffs. I say to him "Whoa, that's right, you saw the Dave Roberts steal!" Joe turns to me and says sourly "Dave Roberts was out." This was a dire omen. (Ed Note: Tommy from Quinzee will NEVER forgive this transgression! Quick, Boston fans, go into Righteous Pity Mode!)

My friend asks Joe Buck, "Hey, have you been out on the patio yet? The view is unbelievable." JB replies, "Out there?!?! Go out there?!?! No, you don't have a chance in hell of getting me out there..." He then turns to my friend's girlfriend Jenny (standing directly beside him) looks her up and down twice and says to him "I've got all the view I need right here." (Ed. Note: DUDE!) My friend has no idea what to do at this point.

The conversation dies out and there are several awkward pauses of 20+ seconds. We are waiting for him to leave. But Joe Buck won't leave. At one point we are having a conversation about the club and how cool it was and Joe interrupts us and loudly exclaims:

"I HAD A VASECTOMY ON FRIDAY AND I AM WEARING A JOCK RIGHT NOW".

All of our jaws drop -- it was completely bizarre. My friend Jenny replies "well I guess the buck really does stop here, huh?" Joe had no response.

Joe continues to hit on my friend and she turns to me and says, "We have got to get away from Joe Buck." Our group leaving was not a real option - we had our tables and we didn't want to leave them. So we had to get Joe to leave. So I did the only thing I thought I could do -- press Joe Buck's buttons. After a moment of thought I unleashed what ended up being the silver bullet - "Hey Joe, on a scale of 1 to Gus Johnson, where would you rank yourself?" Joe Buck was pissed.

He said "Ohh, I could only hope to SOMEDAY achieve the level that Gus has." My friend told Joe to lighten up and he instantly turned into a 5th grader, yelling/whining pointing at me and yelling, "but he Gus Johnsoned meeee!" Five minutes later my friend drunkenly stumbles up to JB, points at him and says, "Ha! Gus Johnson!" Joe slams his beer down on the bar.

Finally, about one hour after Joe Buck first contact, Joe says, "I gotta meet my friends now". We asked who he was here with and he said, "couple guys, from Fox, you know". We tell him that's a good idea as we are headed down to the Playboy Club now. We leave and celebrate our newfound Joe Buck freedom.

About twenty minutes later we are in the Playboy Club sitting around having a drink. Guess who walks in alone after us... Joe Buck. He sits down and starts playing $100 hands of blackjack. We leave the club about an hour later with Joe sitting beside (and chatting up) a young girl who had been sitting alone at the table before he joined her. I wish you could have seen this girl and what she was wearing. Let's just say I think she was playing with house money. (Ed. Note: No clue what this means. Let’s just assume she had a big rack.)

Afterward, we all realized one thing: Joe Buck is having a mid-life crisis. It all adds up: 1.) He feels he has 'peaked' professionally, 2.) He screamed out that he had just had a vasectomy to strangers, 3.) He was (flirting with) girls despite being married w/kids, 4.) His livid reaction to the Gus Johnson comment.

I can't believe I am saying it, but for the first time I can only imagine how Tim McCarver puts up with doing games with Joe Buck, and not vice versa. What a douchebag.

Well, if getting drunk by yourself and trying to awkwardly interject into group conversations makes you a douchebag, then call me Frankie Muniz.

UPDATE: The original writer of this story emailed us.

"Drew et al,

I wanted to write you and let you know that I wrote the 'On a Scale of 1 to Gus Johnson' story about Joe Buck. I am a grad student here in DC and I was on spring break in Vegas last week.

Every single word in that piece is true. There are no exaggerations, and many people can corroborate the entire thing.

Attached is a picture of me with Joe Buck, taken the night of March 4th at Moon nightclub.

Many thanks for running that article,

Brett"

BREAKING NEWS: Brady Contemplating Retirement

As you know, we are not a news site. We don’t even try to be one. Trying to break news in the blogosphere is like trying to be first in line at the DMV. Our job is to crack cheap dick jokes and concoct phony dialogues about how big of a tool Philip Rivers is. And Good Lord, is he ever a fucking tool.

But something came by our desk last night that we simply can’t ignore. And we got to it first! Nice!

I attended Michigan for a grand total of ONE semester back in the mid-90’s. but I stayed there long enough to become friends with a guy named Graham (not his real name) from San Mateo, California. If you know your Dreamboatology (and why wouldn’t you?), Graham hails from the exact same town as the one and only Tom Brady, and was friends with Brady in high school and all the way through college.

Now I had lost touch with Graham until a while back when he emailed KSK with a link, without actually knowing who I was. Reacquainted, we shared emails over the past year and had some back and forth about Brady. Graham, turns out, remained decent friends with Brady after college and through his rise to stardom. I always prodded him for info about Brady, but he never had much of anything interesting to report. He also became very good friends with Bridget Moynahan when she and Brady were a couple.

Now, here’s where it gets mildly somewhat more interesting.

I wish I could tell you Graham nailed Moynahan (whee!), but he didn’t. This is far more innocuous. Since Graham now resides in Los Angeles, and since he sees Moynahan on a far more regular basis than Brady because she too lives there, she gained “custody” of Graham as a friend after the breakup, and he fell out of contact with Brady, who has shrunk his number of close friends as he’s grown more famous, in an attempt to safeguard his privacy.

But, in a twist, as Graham has lost touch with Brady, he’s learned way about him as he’s become good buddies with Moynahan. And yesterday, he sent me an email that contained this pretty choice nugget.

Dude, Brady’s gonna retire. He told Bridget after the season was over he was definitely going to retire so he could help raise the kid. As it stands now, he’s pulled between football in Boston, New York where Gisele is, and LA where his kid is. So he said retiring from football would get rid of one of the drags on his time. And after the Pats go 19-0, he knows he’ll never top that. Only reason he’d stay around is to be the first QB to win five SB’s, but he doesn’t seem to care all that much. He’s the kind of guy that can live without the game.

Indeed. Who needs football when you have goats to milk and models to bang? Anyway, this whole bit of knowledge strikes me as horseshit, with Brady just making empty promises to his lady. It would be like me promising my wife I’ll never eat strawberry preserves straight out of the jar in front of our kid again. Oh sure, I mean it at the time. But do I follow through? Nah.

But Graham says Brady has been talking to friends about retiring for the better part of the season. I asked if Belichick was also going to retire, but he didn’t have an answer for that. I have no clue why Graham let me put this out there. But I’m not quibblin’. Nothing he's told me in the past about Brady has been incorrect, so I'm throwing it out there. It’s a KSK Exklusive!

So enjoy 19-0, Pats fans. You may be looking at the end of an era.

A KSK Exklusive! The Mitchell Report – EARLY RELEASE!

I know we’re a football blog, but this morning something came across our desk that was so explosive, so stunning, that we had to share it with you. That’s right. We at KSK are the first media source to have full access to the Mitchell Report. Here now is your first look at its full, unedited contents.

13th of December, Two Thousand And Seven

To Whom It May Concern:

After two years of exhaustive research on the Mitchell Report, we have reached the following conclusions:

• Scott Mitchell, former quarterback for the Dolphins, Lions, Ravens, and Bengals, fucking sucked. I mean, he really really really sucked. I mean, there was that one year in Detroit where Herman Moore caught all his errant passes. But otherwise, man, did he blow rhinoceros dong.

• We have also concluded that Scott Mitchell looks like a big stupid pile of shit. Just take a look at him. "Durrrrrrr..." What a goon. He's probably got all the cognitive skills of a fucking Pop Warner equipment manager. He doesn't even look like he could sort shapes, much less run a pro offense. I bet he puts his shirt on backwards every morning.
  

• We have also concluded that only the Lions would have been dumb enough to hand this uncoordinated asshole a $5 million bonus. All because he was tall. Jesus.
  

• We have also concluded that he may have been gay. One time, he spent ten minutes in the team whirlpool with Johnnie Morton. We think there may have been footsie.
  

• We have tracked Mitchell down at his home in rural Utah. Last week, he took out the trash. He probably fucked that up as well. Loser.

• There are no steroids in football. And if Scott Mitchell had taken them, it would have just made him even clumsier in the pocket. He was like Richard Kiel back there. Just thinking about him trying to field a shotgun snap makes me want to run a mezzaluna across my throat.

• Fuck Scott Mitchell.

KSK ExKlusive: Peyton Manning's Most Personal Thoughts Revealed!

We're proud to announce that despite a complete lack of computer skills we've managed to hack into Peyton Manning's e-diary! Here's the first of what will hopefully be many in a look at the little girl living inside the man.

October 19, 2007

Dear Diary,

Can you believe that Ashley just tried to have sex with me?

YUCK!

Like I told her on our wedding night, only one woman touches Pey-Pey and her name is Mom. I have sex with my wife the same way I have sex with you Mr. Diary, by busting a perfectly straight line down the spine. I've got control like Julia Child with a pastry bag, once a year I even write Happy Birthday on her back (I can't get full release when those boobs are bouncing all over the place). But seriously, she should know better by now; sex with women is number three on my list of fears behind Hillary Clinton and ghost dads.

Here's a list of5 things I'd do before putting Pey-Pey inside of a woman's kitty cat...

1. Have gay relations with a cute little country music star
2. Defer any credit to Jim Caldwell
3. Quit acting
4. Call a real audible
5. Beat Florida

I don't see what more she could possibly want from me. One time I even let her get a glimpse of Pey-Pey and the twins. That was the first time I conducted a public viewing since the thing with the whorish trainer at UT.

Gotta run to practice...big game on Monday Night! TTYL!

A Peek Inside OJ's Mailbox

Another scrape with the law has brought everyone's favorite Leslie Nielsen sidekick/amateur decapitator back into the public consciousness. Of course white people everywhere are reacting like they've won the lottery (white people winning the lottery? that'll never happen!), the expectation of comeuppance is palpable. In the past few days Orenthal's mailbox has been filling up with thank you notes and messages of admiration from all over the Caucasian community. Let's take a look at some of the more notable inclusions...

Yo OJ,

Just 'cause some assholes stole your shit doesn't mean you can pull out a piece...unless you're in Florida.

Meastly Yours,
Sean Taylor

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Dear Juice,

I want you to fuck me in an uncomfortable place.

Longing Gaping for you,
Kim Kardashian

P.S. I'm not talking about a conjugal trailer...
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Dear Mr. Simpson,

Stay the fuck away from my daughter.

Sincerely,
Robert Kardashian
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Dear OJ,

+1

Your pal,
Robert Blake
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Dear Asshole,

All your memorabilia are belong to us.

Signed,
The Goldmans
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Dear OJ,

Thanks a million!

Sincerely,
Nancy Grace, Dan Abrams, Keith Olbermann, Glen Beck, Anderson Cooper, Jay Leno, Lorne Michaels, Sean Hannity, Shephard Smith, Mark Fuhrman, and every single talk radio host in America
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