Friday, December 14, 2007

I'm gonna get me the craziest, strippiest...

No crazy stripper wife of mine is gonna wear a t-shirt. I'll hold the money while you go change into that classy new outfit I bought your ass.

Ah yes, that's my good little whore.

What a fucking week! Further proof that you don't actually need to know what week it is to successfully wager on events of a sporting nature. All it takes is a little know-how, a weed habit, and enough pent up sexuality to fill the up all of the reservoirs from Adamsville to the battlefield. Let's take a look at my unprecedented windfall.

  • This started off on Saturday night with a non-football bet (always a good way to go). $50 on Floyd Mayweather to win by knockout at 3.7/1 netted me $185 heading into Sunday's game. You'd have to be either English or retarded to bet on Hatton, or in extreme cases, both.

    leave it to those wacky UK dwellers to tilt the odds by dropping 20 million euros/pounds/quid/eel pies on Fat Ricky.

  • A tidy record of 5-2 in the single bets at $20 a piece (plus an an extra $30 on the Texans) made me feel smart. Like, Asian smart.

  • To top all of it off I nailed my 3-team parlay like it was Jodie Foster on a pinball machine. That $31 investment resulted in a payoff of $195 .


Of course this is a new week and my month without masturbation has come finally come to an end. I think there might be something left in the tank, but obviously the money shot has already come and gone. Oh well, let's see what else we can squeeze out of the season...on to the picks!
The Lucky Number Singles
Risking 45 to win 41 on each game

Cincinnati -9 vs. San Francisco

Want to know how shitty the NFL has become? The Bengals are giving nine fucking points. Can you throw a ten-yard spiral without looking like an effeminate limp-wristed pussy then come on down to the 49ers open tryout! Ah hell, the ferries can come too.

Green Bay -9 vs. San Francisco St. Louis

This time next week the Rams are going to be experimenting with Bernie Lomax under center. He's had fewer drugs in his system than this week's opponent and a tad more brain activity than Gus Frerotte.

Yeah, I love the number nine, and I've been drinking.

The Road Dog Parlay
ft. Atlanta "We're Pissed and Ecstatic!" Falcons
Risking 25 to win 135

Buffalo +6 vs. Cleveland
Jacksonville +2.5 vs. Pittsburgh
Atlanta +14 vs. Tampa Bay

It'll never happen. Seriously, we're just as likely to see Brett Favre's retirement and Jesus Christ's comeback.
The I Have No Faith In That Other Parlay Parlay
Risking 60 to win 160

Indianapolis -11 vs. Oakland
Buffalo +6 vs. Cleveland

But I really do like Buffalo for some reason.
The Other Bet Bet
Risking 50 to win 45.45

Seattle -8 vs. Carolina

Actual Analysis Alert: The Panthers are 1-5 ATS at home. Yeah, and Vinny Testaverde like old and shit!

"He doesn't have a particular injury or anything," [Panthers Coach John] Fox said. "Just the wearing of the game."

Your quarterback is questionable with a case of aging. Doctors fear that it could be terminal.

I'd stick around, but I want to get some sleep before my early morning lingerie money fight.

Who am I kidding? They don't start until I get there.


mamacita said...

Did you measure the distance on your first jerk?

Charlie Green said...

Dude, the lollercoaster nearly gave me a seizure. Not that I have anything against seizures, mind you, but it's a little early in the day.

Martha Van Bork said...

Between Cincy and Green Bay, San Fran is bound to win at least one of those games.

The Big Texas said...

I think you meant St. Louis instead of San Francisco for the Green Bay game. Just letting you know.

Kenneth said...

You have to love the English and betting on Fat Ricky.

Actual conversation between an Irish friend of mine and myself:

Me: Really, I thought he was gay.
Irish friend: No, he's English.

Your blog is awesome. Kiss me Suzy.

Steve said...

Lingerie money fight - with Canadian Dollars! Yes!

pain-ther fan said...

make sure to wear a face shield and poncho tonight, Maj. And more importantly, enjoy it, seldom do you get a chance to have a blow out of that velocity.

SlideShow Bob said...

MR. F!

joepadon said...

Would the Nibourghs sign on to the Road Dog Parlay? Fuck yeah! They're broke anyway.

Bunch said...

MR. F!

Otto Man said...

14-0, baby. It's coming at you like a spider monkee.

What's a spider monkee? Is that what would've happened if Peter Tork had been bitten instead of Peter Parker?

Roy said...

I guess the fairies will all be busy shuttling bull-dykes all around the Gay Bay!

Unknown said...

Wow - not sure about that Cincinnati pick. Eddie Mush is taking the Bengals tonight which means they will probably lose.