Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Give the Gift of Schmaltz

[Tinkling overlay of Vanessa Carlton's "A Thousand Miles"]

[Scene one]

Tony Romo sits in front of a vanity mirror in a room dimly lit by candles. He's wearing an elf's hat. He smiles faintly but with determination. His mind seems distant. He turns to a small TV to his right, sees Peter King reporting from Minnesota. Suddenly wistful, his smile fades to nothing.

Behind Romo, a closet door silently glides open.

"But how, you were -- "

King reveals a small jewelry box, sweeping it over Romo's shoulders to his face. He opens it slowly.

"It's for your cock," King whispers sweetly.

[Scene two]

Willie Parker and a young woman leave a cafe with locked arms. They spy a jewelry store across the street and something in the shop's window catches the woman's eye. Willie darts across oncoming traffic into the store and back out, almost instantaneously.

Willie presents the woman with the box, opens it and drops the ring, which bounds down a sewer drain. The woman looks panicked, but Parker quickly removes an identical ring from the pocket of his leather jacket. He then drops that, too, into the sewer.

Years later, his child suffers massive head injuries.

[Scene three]

Gisele and one of her model friends sit at a kitchen counter marveling at Gisele's ring.

Model: So, were you surprised?

Gisele: He hid it right in the leftover dinner he brought from his other girl's place. I almost cooked it!

Tom Brady discusses the situation with Bill Simmons, who is presently filing Brady's nails.

Tom: Yeah, I was a little nervous. But I know if you give her the ring, she'll give up the butt. Simple as that.

Simmons: Hehhehheh, yeah...'86 Celtics.

Tom: And I was like THANK YOU, Belichick, for recommending Shaw's.

Bill Belichick sits opposite Bob Kraft in a chair in front of a roaring fire.

Belichick: So I told that pretty little faggot to give that beanpole skank some cheap mall shit jewelry. Stupid fucking quarterback.

Kraft: You gotta save that really good shit for Russian presidents.

Kraft shows Belichick a gift ring from Vladamir Putin.

Belichick: Wow. I can't wait to get one of those.

Kraft: What, a ring? You got plenty.

Belichick: No, a husband like Putin!


SRV said...

"Give her the ring she will give up the butt" comedy gold there

Gourmet Spud said...


And thanks for cutting away before King put it on with his mouth.

Zach Pennington said...

Awesome, but this deserves a 'nightmare fuel' tag.

85 said...

Ape, please don't mention fucking Jared on this site ever again. I hate that fucking place more than I hate Romo. And I hate me some Romo. Now I'm going to have that fucking jingle in my head all goddamn day. It's like punching myself in the cock until I pass out.

TheJourneyBegins said...

omg that was the shiiiit

Gourmet Spud said...

The good thing about the Zales ads is that they are a perfect litmus test for engagement.

i.e. If your girlfriend tears up while watching them, presto! You just saved yourself $5,000 (not to mention the cost of the wedding)!

Chris said...

Needs more Peyton peptalk.

MyBoysAreMyLife said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Nicely done.

Belichick: No, a husband like Putin!

The next thing you know, Ape's in the hospital with radiation poisoning.

joepadon said...

Bravo, sir, bravo

Big Daddy Drew said...

Straight to the heart...
Shaw's jewelers...

Unsilent Majority said...

spot fucking on

ben said...

"Because she'll pretty much have to."

(Just bought the GF a diamond. Hooray, me.)

jackin'4beats said...

Jared's website is shit. It must be for those retarded chicks who've only gotten Ring Pops from their boyfriends.

Upstate Underdog said...

Anyone else seen the Zales commercial where the 2 guys high five each other because they both bought shit from Zales ? I hate that commercial.

And don't forget, every kiss begins with Kay.

Teller Tim said...

i hate those "he went to Jared!" commercials especially the one with the engagement announcement in the restaurant. i hope the children of whoever came up with those ads die in an industrial accident.

Jim said...

"Nobody pays retail anymore; why should you? Mervis diamond importers."

Ah, DC terrestrial radio: it's why some people are atheists.

StuScottBooyahs said...

The Shaw's jewelers jingle is definitely appropriate, considering you'll probably be going "straight to the heart" after 20 years of her sh*t

PantsB said...

Hahahaha.... like Brady doesn't stick it up Gisele's pooper.

Orange Star said...

Every kiss begins with Kay - but every cock ends in K.

Slash said...

That fucking Jared commercial makes me wanna murder someone, well, really, everyone connected with it.

And jewelry = anal now? It's no longer jewelry = blow job? I did not get that memo.