Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Boxing Day Madness is Coming to Your Town

[Monolithic big box store of your choosing]

Customer representative: (sucks teeth) NEX' I'll take nex' over here.

Cam Cameron: Hi, I'd like to return this Trent Green.

Customer rep: You got a receipt?

Cam Cameron: Yeah, right here.

Customer rep: (sucks teeth) I'm sorry, SIR. Returns are only good for 30 days. This here says you got this back in June.

Trent Green: Bananaface toytown August runs. Makeshift gearshift Total Recall. Seven come eleven rafting trip. These are not actually Beck lyrics.

Customer rep: You must be ow'chor damn mind. HE BROKE. I'm sorry. We cannot accept this return, SIR. NEX'

Bill Belichick: mumblemumblemumble

Customer rep: You gonna have to speak up, SIR.

Bill Belichick: I'd like to return this shirt.

Customer rep: What's wrong with it?

Bill Belichick: I don't need a second shirt.

Customer rep: (sucks teeth) Nuh-uh. You needs to give me some reasons for why the product is defective.

Bill Belichick: Well, for one, you're a dirty cunt and I hope you die at this job.

Customer rep: Oh, that's not even right. You need to get the fuck up outta here. NEX'

Wade Phillips: I received this voucher from my employer and I'd like to know how to redeem it.

Customer rep: (squints) "Good for one free stomach stapling for Gutbucket, the Christmas ham. Fattest wishes, Double-J." Okay, you're gonna go back to our cosmetology department. It's behind auto repair and next to the pharmacy.

Wade: Ah, why thank you, miss.

Customer rep: Hol' up. There's more here. "To retailer: Upon redemption of this coupon, please refuse service to any bearer weighing more than 300 lbs. and have security piggyback ride him out of the store." (squints) ""

Wade: Of all the rotten luck.


mamacita said...

The rest of them are lazy bastards! What's UM's excuse, anyway?

Wang said...

"Ah, why thank you, miss."

whoa, whoa, whoa. i totally thought the customer rep was an old white dude til that...

jackin'4beats said...

Those reps at KostMart really need to work on their customer service skills.

Big Daddy Drew said...

"the rest of the gay mafia are lazy assholes,"

Now you know how I feel the other 51 weeks of the year.

Christmas Ape said...

Tell it to Denis Lemieux.

Gepetto said...

Poor Wade can't get a break...

smurphette said...

"Gutbucket the Christmas Ham"
"piggyback ride him out of the store"
signing the note "Double-J"
slow, afterthought reading of the Yeehaw

Love it.

Patrick James McAllaster said...

Why don't you lay the fuck off Phillips and his weight. Guy let a player out of practice recently to attend graduation. Does that count for nothing? Enough.

smurphette said...

Kudos to Wade for the graduation thing, but what does that have to do with his relative girth and his infuriating 13-2 record? I'm guessing the "dry" in "dry irish" means you don't drink, rather than suggesting you have a droll, sarcastic sense of humor. Maybe if you tried either one of those things, you'd enjoy this blog more.

Chris "Saundo" Saunderson said...

Customer rep: You must be ow'chor damn mind. HE BROKE.

Pure fucking genius. Having had to listen to the whining in KC about how he was broke BEFORE he became a 'Fin, this is doubly sweet.

Patrick James McAllaster said...

I enjoy this blog plenty. The guy was hired to win football games, not look pretty. I've seen some pics of blog writers and blog, and it isn't like they are a bunch of Adonis incarnates. Who gives a fuck of Brad Childress is a cue ball, or if Andy Reid has a walrus mustache?

allie said...

we give a fuck because it's funny. I mean, I'm a pats fan, and I can still laugh at the fact that belichick has changed his clothes maybe twice this season and treats reporters like piles of animal shit he happened to step in. and before charlie weis started turning things around at notre dame, he was our resident gutbucket.

and really, you're more offended by a fat joke than making fun of someone being carted off the field on a stretcher?