Thursday, November 1, 2007

Yinz vs. Hons. WHO YA GOT?

As SBXLI 1/2 occupies all discourse, both rational and Easterbrookian, this week, a few other somewhat compelling matches are getting the short shrift. Among them is a battle for the AFC North in which I have absolutely no emotion invested. No, I don't hate Baltimore at all. I hear it's a wonderful city to get murdered in. 500 some odd people a year can't be wrong. So, WHO YA GOT?



Socioeconomic status

Working class________________Murdering class

Things too horrifying to contemplate

Steely McBeam__________"The higher the hair, the closer to God."

Faux pas


Concession to fashion

Terrible Towel and ski goggles(Dan Cortese, is that you?)__Purple camo pants, outstanding warrant

Unironic city slogans

"Imagine what you can do"________________"The city that reads"

Hometown beer no longer brewed in hometown

Rolling Rock_____________________Natty Boh

Hated by


Constant disappointment

Ricardo Colclough_________Brian Billick, life

Finishing move

Moving out of Pittsburgh____________Getting killed in Baltimore


Unsilent Majority said...

I moved out of Pittsburgh, and if you don't hear from me after my next trip to J Friendly's then I'm probably dead.

Chuckles said...

Seriously, there's other games going on this Sunday? Will they be televised or otherwise covered in any form by local and or regional media outlets? Will this impose any burden on my watching of the most important sporting event ever staged in the history of mankind? So much confusion...

dick_gozinia said...

I'd like to think that God hates Cleveland more. Their entire sports history is rooted in horrendous and spectacular failures.

- Elway's "The Drive"
- The 2007 ALCS
- Rocky Colavito
- Major League (they revealed in #2 that they lost the pennant after the movie ended.)
- 1995 & 1997 World Series
- 2007 NBA Finals
- 1989 NBA Playoffs, Jordan's "The Shot" game
- My personal favorite...Art Modell moving the perennial loser Browns out of Cleveland overnight. He moved them to Baltimore where they won a championship 3 years later.

This undeniably proves that God hates Cleveland waaaaayyyy more than Baltimore. Oh and Cleveland also is a shithole....did I forget that?

Rob I said...

The nice parts of Baltimore are by far better than any part of Pittsburgh but the bad parts of Baltimore are far worse than any part of Pittsburgh.

Still, pit beef > Primantis

Dave said...

I'd just like to point out that Baltimore's benches are no longer adorned with "The City that Reads," and instead they just flat out say "The Greatest City In America."

Sort of like in high fidelity when John Cusack tries to touch that girl's boobs and she doesn't let him, so he figures "fuck it" and goes for the panties.

Robocats said...

The city of Baltimore is, statistically-speaking, one of the worst places in America. It is literally only behind Detroit in graduation rates and murder rates, and probably the only reason property crime is so low is that there's nothing there to steal. I think comparing it to Cleveland is a bit unfair.

Besides, is having the (former) Browns move to town really a blessing?

Vee said...

I thought they changed it to "The City That Bleeds"?

Taliek Brown said...

I got lost on East Baltimore Street once. I can't believe I'm alive. Although I went to this open bar near the Natty Boh factory and it was pretty good.

Is the Natty Boh guy intentionally a rip off of the Pringles guy?

Robocats said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robocats said...

Just to put the statistics in perspective, if you are in Baltimore, take a group of 5 friends. Fewer than 2 of you have/will graduate high school, and all 5 of you will be murdered this week.

dick_gozinia said...

@ robocats

If they had the former Bengals move there instead of the Browns, they'd be #1 in all those categories.

jackin'4beats said...

I hear the Inner Harbor is really nice. But...that's about it.

Never been to P-burgh and I'd like to keep it that way.

JAMMQ said...

Baltimore's inept mismanagement, destitution, and general shitty-ness did give birth to the greatest television show of all time in The Wire.

That's gotta count for something. Right? . . . Right?

One of Many Lisas said...

I had a homeless guy kiss me once in the Inner Harbor. After 50 showers and 10 trips to the dentist, I still couldn't sleep for a week.

Walking through downtown Baltimore (if you dare) is like your own personal tour of The Divine Comedy.

Otto Man said...

Not a single reference to The Wire?

Omar's gonna be pissed. Might even shoot y'all in the hind-parts.

StuScottBooyahs said...

This undeniably proves that God hates Cleveland waaaaayyyy more than Baltimore.

Ahem. 1997 ALCS.

Jarrett said...

Actually, the finishing move is eating two servings of jambalaya at the Inner Harbor Cheesecake Factory, without a break.

dick_gozinia said...


Yeah, and the Cleveland gets brutally beaten by the Marlins in the World Series.

C'mon man...everybody knows that the further along in the playoffs you lose, the more painful and tragic the loss is. This is especially true when you bring out your CLOSER in GAME 7 leading in the bottom of the 9th inning!!!

Also, crime statistics show that Baltimore is way better at murder, but Cleveland is leading the league in rapes. They're waaayyy rapier..