Thursday, November 15, 2007

KSK Presents: The Green Zone! Your Guide To The Environmental Pussification Of The NFL!

I’m new to this whole “Save Our Planet” movement. When NBC tossed a green peacock logo on their SNF broadcast a while back, I thought I had entered some fabulous new time-warp dimension where NFL football is played on St. Patrick’s Day. I then went to a bar, got drunk, called the barmaid a no-good whore, and then broke my hand after getting into a fight with the digital jukebox because it only had one song available from my favorite Pogues album. Fucking digital jukebox. It had it coming. Offer the whole fucking album, you fuck!

Turns out, I had it all wrong. No, the whole green logo thing was part of NBC’s token effort to pretend it cared about global warming (or “climate change”, if you’re willing to let yourself be brainwashed by purposely contagious think tank marketing phrases). Now, as you know, global warming is quite a serious issue. If we don’t do something soon, half of India could be displaced 50 years from now. Which I guess is a problem. Of sorts. And half of Florida would be gone! Which, again, is kind of a tragedy. I guess. I sure would hate to lose all those Sonic restaurants. And prostitutes-turned-serial-killers.

But fear not. We at KSK are charging to the forefront of this issue. Yes, we are football fans. But we are also EARTH fans as well. After all, football is played on Earth. And beer is made on Earth. So I suppose Earth has a small role in this whole wacky enterprise. We’ve already begun taking great pains to help save the world. I’ve attached a turbine to my right hand in order to harness the energy generated from my furious sessions masturbating at home. Already, I’ve powered two schools in Montgomery County for the past month solely using my patented EcoBating system. Enjoy your history class, children. You’ll be reading about the heroics of my cock any day now.

I also recycle all my cans and bottles. Unless the county makes me rinse them before doing so. That’s a pain in the ass. Unsilent Majority is already designing a Chevy Avalanche that runs on hemp oil. And Ufford had a few ideas about this issue as well. Unfortunately, he took the entire year off because he served in the military a while back.

So we’re doing our part. But we’re only six men. Six cowardly men who are far too lazy to do anything truly impactful in this arena. So we decided to get together and do what any smart environmental crusader does: Bitch at other people to do something about it for us.

Yes, that means you, Roger Goodell. You’ve been flying around in private planes and asking for fines to be paid in pure whale blubber for far too long. It’s time for YOU to take action, sir. You run the most powerful sports league in the nation. You have the power to make something good happen. Or, at the very least, to say you’re doing something about it so people will leave you the fuck alone. That’s why we suggest adopting the following league-wide measures to help DEFEND OUR GREEN ZONE!

-Corey Ivy replaced by Poison Ivy

-Follow Chargers lead and only use recycled coaches

-Instead of pads, old gym mats

-Tampa Two reduced to Tampa One so as to be less wasteful

-Run and Gun changed to Run & Frisbee

-High Occupancy beer line for patrons over 350 lbs.

-Replay booths only show An Inconvenient Truth

-Relocate displaced polar bears to Joey Porter's house

-Vick-tailored all-hemp uniforms

-Ball made out of discarded foreskin

-Require Packers to ride bikes not just at training camp, but all goddamn year long

-Install hydroelectric dam at base of Peter King's santorum-leaking colon

-Spend $100,000 in energy costs converting Fieldturf fields back to real grass

-Allow angry mob to finally murder William Clay Ford

-Replace Kyoto Treaty with Kyoto Oklahoma Drill. Treaties are for homos

-All corn-based performance enhancing drugs no longer banned

-Hot dog wrapper doubles as catheter bag

-MRI's replaced with a physical exam by Dr. Nick

-New hybrid Pats/Sox/Celts fan runs almost exclusively on vinegar-based fuel

-Replenish lost landmasses with dirt from canisters collected by Steve Young from various NFL stadia throughout his career

-Plastic kicking tees to be replaced with small mound of, like, dirt and stuff

-New helmet to be made entirely of recycled Starbucks drink sleeves

-Planting a tree worth 9 points

-Hire Indonesia Tree Man to anchor Texans’ o-line

-All pregame speeches to include mandatory 90-minute PowerPoint presentation on why the Antarctic peninsula is so significant in this fight

-Two words: Cleveland Greens

-Throwback Oilers jerseys must be splattered with red paint, as long as it's not lead-based

-Tailgate grills replaced with tailgate gazpacho barrel

-Scouting combine to feature only Free Range athletes

-Replays from Jumbotron replaced by play re-enactments from local pantomime group

-All prime-time games to be played in the reflection of Bradshaw’s bald spot

-Spokesman Don Cheadle fired, replaced with Captain Planet

-Goodell replaced with Lorax

-Pre-commercial FOX robots to be replaced with dirty white people wearing dreadlocks

-Blue Angels replaced by loud pigeons

-Team planes replaced by Hannibal's elephants

-Fans required to hold solar panels in lieu of signs

-Dan Snyder to scale back tree-cutting operations at home by .0005%

-Najeh Davenport to offer lecture series on laundry hamper composting

-Old: New York Jets. New: New York Hot-Air Balloons

-NFL Shield made by indigenous population out of native materials

-Follow Joe Gibbs’ lead and replace coaches headsets with tin can and string

-Steel Curtain Defense retrofitted to be Switchgrass Curtain Defense

-Teams required to interview vegans for head coaching positions

-Heinz Field turf now 100 percent compost

-Travis Henry must decrease carbon footprint, bastard kids

-Marvin Harrison and all dolphins set free

-Ray Lewis no longer allowed to murder people with Hamilton Beach electric knife

-All teams required to rub living statue Al Gore for good luck prior to game

-Ozone-killing Wade Philips emissions cut by 50%

-Chicago Bears allowed to roam free, gnaw on remains of Timothy Treadwell

I hope you're listening, Goodell. Our very future as a beer-swilling, gay-taunting species hinges on what you do next. Don't let us down. This is our home. It's all we've got. Let's protect it for future generations to enjoy. Unless the Pats go 19-0. In which case, you may as well let the whole fucking place burn.


MyBoysAreMyLife said...

-New hybrid Pats/Sox/Celts fan runs almost exclusively on vinegar-based fuel


Also, relocate TSG to a bunker deep underneath the eart. This alone will halve the amount of douche emissions over LA.

MyBoysAreMyLife said...


Unknown said...

If that EcoBating system became standard issue in households the world over, most guys could probably power their own house and most of the neighborhood.

Plus, if you applied that technology to cars, you'd never need fuel. And driving to work would be more fun at least.

Gourmet Spud said...

Teams required to interview vegans for head-coaching position.


Also, light Monday Night Football post-game booth using only Steve Young's simmering rage.

Charlie Green said...

What, no Greenzo reference? (Shakes head.)

Also: "Blue Angels replaced by loud pigeons"

We tried that in Cincinnati; didn't work.

peytonloveskenny said...

-Heinz Field turf now 100 percent compost

That field is already a piece of shit.

Big Daddy Drew said...

PLK, that's the joke.

Dale said...

Invasive species such as the Cincinnati Bengals and New England Patriots sent back to their original habitats to restore balance, die.

Dale said...

Washington DC to be evacuated for when the large, growing dam finally bursts *cough* UM *cough*.

JAMMQ said...

Seriously, what's up with those fuckin' robots . . .?

JAMMQ said...

Wasn't Larry Allen one of Hannibal's elephants?

He couldn't protect Hannibal from the Alps, either.

smurphette said...

- Send retired Colts to a nice pasture instead of the glue factory.

- Prohibit all use of electronics on the sidelines during games. Not only would this save energy, it would also deprive Belichick of his primary tools for cheating, which in turn would prevent the rest of the NFL season from being a colossal waste.

Dale said...

Can I make a serious suggestion for the "greening" of the NFL*?

Don't fucking fly teams across the Atlantic for a meaningless game.

*Commenter may not actually care about the environment

Unknown said...

anything to kill that damned robot. i hope that little bastard rots in hell, doing that same shitty dance he does every. single. commercial.

SDW said...

NBC cares about the earth, yet they televise fucking NASCAR. Hello?

Glad I'm paying $3 a gallon though. Thanks for that.

Can we have Ray Lewis kill Dale Jr., with or without the Hamilton Beach electric knife?

Steve said...

In the spirit of conservation, Peyton Manning performs every commercial on television. That also takes care of some overcrowding issues from the resulting self-bludgeonings.

Dale said...

Hire retired linebacker Bill Romanowski to play the role of Gary the No Trash Cougar.

Dale said...

Old Romo could also teach kids not to smoke as former marine Nick Kotrel.

Kevin said...

Sports bloggers and commenters are way ahead all these corporation's token "green" efforts. They've been recycling old Simpson's and Family Guy jokes for years.

Phony Gwynn said...

Next time Maj bitches about not being able to rub one out, just remind him of that Indonesian tree dude.

I mean, the guy's actually got wood. And nobody's touched it in years.

McGarnicle said...

The Pats would be the first team to go 19-0 in the NFL!

jackin'4beats said...

@ james: see this comment then go stab yourself in the eye with a pencil.

- Replace team cheerleaders with the cast from A Chorus Line. At least then the 49ers fans might have something to cheer about.

fallex said...

I love it when a plan comes together [grins and puffs cigar]

StuScottBooyahs said...

Install hydroelectric dam at base of Peter King's santorum-leaking colon

I don't think I'll ever forget that one.

Les Savy Ferd said...

and here I thought the loving bosom of the NFL was the last place a man could hide, unabashedly unenvironmentalist, standing in a parking lot full of sport utility vehicles in front of a barrel full of burning mixed refuse roasting dead animals and prepping for said feast by eating 32 individually wrapped fifty cent packages of salt and vinegar potato chips.

goddam that makes me hungry. and, oddly, incredibly horny.

Chinaski said...

"Chicago Bears allowed to roam free, gnaw on remains of Timothy Treadwell"

Unfortunately, the Chicago Bears only roam 2.7 yards at a time.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Sweet jesus that Tree Man link was disturbing. I'm going to go get about 5,000 doses of the new NPV vaccine. Is that eco-friendly?

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Duntronic said...

-All players must join the 5% Nation of Gods and Earths, refer to children as "seeds".

Unknown said...

Unless the Pats go 19-0. In which case, you may as well let the whole fucking place burn.

Can't all just get together and burn down Boston instead? How much of a loss would it be to lose the city that thought that Aqua Teen Hunger Force was actually out to blow them up (without having smoked serious weed I might add)? Fuckin' massengills...

Steve said...

@diesel - You know, that might not be very good for the ozone layer in the short term, but I think in the long term it is better all the way around. I just refuse to believe that such douchebaggery is not a decrement to the environment.

jackin'4beats said...

@ duntronic: +1

Word is bond god, nahmean? What's the mathematics son?

“64 is a very important mathematical number,” says The RZA, sitting near the back staircase of Hollywood’s Roosevelt Hotel. “You add 6 and 4, of course, you get 10. You add 1 and 0, you come back around to get 1—knowledge, the foundation for all things in existence.”

lost said...

don't forget the simplest, most straightforward way to keep the NFL green...

reinstate Ricky Williams

lost said...

quiet strength- i think the word you were looking for was 'excrement'?

From the other side of town said...

Remove the cotton crotches from the panties of cheerleaders. Every little bit helps, and this would help a lot in the long run.

Robocats said...

I totally agree with SDW on Nascar. It doesn't get much more wasteful than a bunch of hillbillies driving around in an oval a few hundred times, just so that a bunch of other hillbillies have somewhere to take their sister on their first date. Since anyone who actually likes Nascar is just acting out some bizarre Dale Earnhardt fetishism, can't we just let them jerk of to his likeness and skip the races?

In exchange, the rest of us won't mention that he was just some hillbilly who made left turns for a living, and clearly not very well otherwise he wouldn't have driven into a wall.

Craig said...

Was it at least "The Sick Bed of Cuchulainn"? Because that song fucking rules.