Thursday, November 1, 2007

Oh S--t! Romo Got $30 million?

Wade: Well, that was a real nice bye week. Finally, a chance to get a little R&R. Spend some time with the family. See the kids. Wrangle some lovin’ from the Mrs. Get away from that crazy asshole. Yep, I reckon I earned a day off or two. Guess I better start gameplanning for those pesky Eagles. Let me just check these internal team memos before I get started. Let’s see: Oh, they’ve added brisket to Tuesday’s lunch menu. That sounds darn good. What’s this other memo? Press release?

“FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: The Dallas Cowboys are proud to announce that they have signed quarterback Tony Romo to a contract extension.”


(door flies open)


Wade: Oh, God. I had nearly forgotten about him.

Jones: Didn’t I tell you my boy ROMO was goddamn STAR?! Didn’t I?!

Wade: I guess.

Jones: You’re goddamn right I did, you fat, oozing mound of pigshit! And now I’m giving him the money to back it up! $30 million! That’s ten, twenty, THIRTYMILLIONGODDAMNDOLLARS! What do you think a that, Chesty Morgan?

Wade: What do I think of it?

Jones: Yeah! Pretty impressive pile of money. Eh, Minnesota Fats?

Wade: I guess.

Jones: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT IT IS!!!!! WAHOOOOOOO!!!! When Double-J sees something he likes, he keeps it FOREVER! I tell you what, Blobby, the only thing that feels better than getting $30 million is knowing you have the “fuck you” cash to give it away to someone else! That’s POWER! Sweet, delicious POWER! Goddamn, I love power more than I love fucking my housekeeper in the ass!

Wade: Whatever you say, sir.

Jones: You know, Snuffleupagus, I’ve been thinking. We’re 6-1, and you’ve done all right for a guy who has a stroke walking up a handicapped ramp. I’m thinking maybe you need a little salary increase yourself.

Wade: Really?

Jones: Nah, just jerkin’ your lariat. YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ SHIT, MABEL!

Wade: Oh.

Jones: In fact, I’m gonna need to start pulling more of your weight around here, Florida Evans. And given that you’re the size of floating shit barge, pullin’ your weight’s gonna be quite a task!

Wade: Well, what do I have to do?

Jones: One word, Dumptruck: Branding! I just signed an endorsement mega-deal with Diet Pepsi Max, and you’re included in the signage!

Wade: Didn’t we already do an ad for that?

Jones: Yeah, but now we’re gonna a shitload more! It’s gonna be a whole series! I’ll be Jake, and you’ll be the Fatman.

Wade: I don’t wanna be the Fatman.

Jones: Tough shit. You’re fat, so you’re acting fat. I just paid ROMO $30 million. I gotta make that shit back somewhere. This Diet Pepsi Max deal is just what ol’ Double-J needed! It’s like regular Diet Pepsi, only with more PASSION! More FIRE! More JERRY! That ginseng stuff ain’t just for Oregon faggots, you know. That shit gives me some extra fucking energy! Energy I need to pistol whip staffers, fishhook call girls, and chew out my pilot! And, looking at you, a little bit of DIET Pepsi could do your fat loins some good. I bet your thighs chafe when you take two steps down the street!

Wade: Maybe.

Jones: Good! I’m glad you’re on board with my plan, Tubbalicious. Now, I want you to wear this Diet Pepsi Max shirt.

Wade: Fine.

Jones: And this Diet Pepsi Max visor.

Wade: Fine.

Jones: And this Diet Pepsi Max medallion.

Wade: Fine.

Billboard Painter: Someone call me to paint a Diet Pepsi Max billboard?

Jones: Over here, Dutch Boy. I want you painting that logo right across Free Willy’s backside here.

Wade: Whoa, hold on a cotton picking minute. He’s not painting my ass.

Jones: Get real, Bertha! You think Pepsi’s gonna pay $30 million without me giving them the biggest piece of real estate I got? We’re painting that logo on your ass and you’re gonna like it!

Billboard Painter: I’m gonna need more paint than what I have in the van. This is a three-coat job, minimum.

Jones: Buy it all, my man! And make sure it’s oil-based! Ol’ Porky here can take a shit that’ll make latex paint peel off the goddamn walls. Now drop ‘em, Fatty!

Wade: This sucks.



Upstate Underdog said...

What, no Jason Garret ?

Big Daddy Drew said...

Oh bitch bitch bitch.

smurphette said...

Thanks, Drew -- I am having a shitty day at work, and a new installment of W&J is exactly what I needed.

smurphette said...

Well, that and a case of beer.

ColeTrain said...

I'd rather have a belt of Wild Turkey.

Moof! said...

I thought Mexican Day Laborers worked for cheap, even if it was on a Sunday. Unsilent should call the INS.

Unknown said...

Oregon women are unsightly hairy behemoths. Cheers to ginseng.

jackin'4beats said...

I love power more than I love fucking my housekeeper in the ass! trying to tell us something???

So are you telling me this was Tubblelicious yesterday?

Steve said...

Is Tony Romo dating Britney Spears? Is Jerry Jones her sane uncle? Did he hook them up? Now that he's $30 million richer, is he going to do to the single season smiling record what Tom Brady is doing to the touchdown record? Burning questions...

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Gadzooks, another triumphant commentary on the Jungian duality of man!

Here the paternalistic "breadwich" Daddy in Wade stuggles with the embarassment of coping with the former gloriousness of his Tyler Durden "sex cannon" Drew persona in Jerry.


That, or it's Yosemite Sam get's mad at a guy named Wade.

Anonymous said...

Ahhh... that's what today needed.

Drew, you're a fucking genius.

Becky said...

I would have volunteered to help Romo spend that money, but after touching Britney...

Yeah, I probably still would volunteer.

Otto Man said...

In all fairness, Florida Evans would've told this crazy J.J. to stick it where the sun don't shine.

Group 5 said...

Ahhh. After getting boned out of my 3:00 tee time by idiot co-workers, Jerry and Wade are just what I needed.

If anyone needs me, I'll be fishhooking call girls.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Needs more titty slap.

Running.Boyd said...

Nah, just jerkin’ your lariat. YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ SHIT, MABEL!

I love this shit! I would read KSK just for W&J!

brick. said...

Jerry Jones, YEEEEE HAAAAAWWWWW and branding

and Tubby didn't end up with a red hot branding Iron up his ass...

Wade should feel lucky.

kev said...

never, ever stop writing w&j. Today has been unbearably boring, and trying to stifle my laughter was just the challenge i needed.

Unknown said...

Mock all you want. I get JJ being a mental megalomaniac, I get WP being a chubby ineffectual doofus but what I don't get is how this recurring bit is funny, outside of the obvious humour. It's like a SNL skit the insist on beating into the ground.

Someone tell me how this is funny.

Robocats said...

Wrong again. It's Pepsi only extreme to the Max. I can see how one could make that mistake.

Group 5 said...

@ brendon-

It's funny because Wade is fat.

Captain Caveman said...

what I don't get is how this recurring bit is funny, outside of the obvious humour.

Anyone who spells it "humour" is boud to dislike obvious humor. Drew, your comedy is too available to the masses! More subtley, dammit!

Captain Caveman said...


Mike Murray said...

Nah, just jerkin’ your lariat

Nice semi-quote from Blazing Saddles. Great movie.

Oh, the post was funny, too.

Anonymous said...

Jason Garrett must have been busy teaching Romo all of Britney's songs...

Lou Pickney said...

"Oregon women are unsightly hairy behemoths."

Counterpoint (and proof that it is possible to look good in one of those awful Nike-tainted Oregon Duck jerseys)

Jay said...

Fucking a hilarious. And I'm only on my third vodka.

By the way Wade Phillips can die a fucking Braveheart death for how he miscoached the Bills. Fucking son of a bum.

Matt said...

"That ginseng stuff ain’t just for Oregon faggots, you know."


dickey simpkins said...

And I thought Sex Cannon was the pinnacle of comedic impersonations on the internet. Your writing embiggens even the smallest of men.