Monday, November 5, 2007

Oh No! Evil Has Prevailed! TMQ Must Prepare For The Arrival Of Satan’s Minions!

Greggggggg Easterbrook: Oh no! The Patriots have won! Evil has prevailed! TMQ can barely finish his daily game of bridge, he is so disturbed! It’s clear what will happen now: Satan’s Minions shall arrive to join forces with the Jews and enslave us all. Horrors!

I may never see another episode of “Deep Space Nine” again! Nor will I be able to boast of being able to solve the Times Of London crossword puzzle to anyone within earshot! Did you know it's the world's hardest crossword? Did you know Number 5 across was “Maupassant”? TMQ knew that before he even finished reading the clue! Spenser?

Spenser: Yes, father?

Greggggggg: The time is upon us. We must retreat to the family cave. That’s pronounced KAHV, like a wine cave, because I am a fucking douchebag.

Spenser: Very well, father! But what shall we bring with us?

Greggggggg: Good thinking, boy. We must pack judiciously. We shall require food, water, and fresh apple tobacco in order to survive. Plus all my ascots and tweed vests! But we must also bring enough reading materials and intellectual artifacts to keep us properly smug, and so we can masturbate to our own new ideas from the incredibly profound dialogue that flows henceforth.

Spenser: I’m assuming you’d like me to include all your books, father.

Greggggggg: Oh, yes. Bring the books. And my papers as well.

Spenser: Volumes 1 through 1,345,987,098, Subset Q, father?

Greggggggg: No, I think we’ll need ALL my papers, son. Including my early treatise on Jews and the power of Invisibility. Remember, son: All Jews and all science fiction plot elements are linked together somehow. And I will not rest until I discover the connection. Leave nary a sheaf behind! And don't forget my Peter Paul Rubens tracings. They're the best visual representation the world has of my dedication to the Lord.

Spenser: Very well, father. And shall I bring more, shall I say, textured materials?

Greggggggg: Why, whatever do you mean? Oh! Oh yes, the pornography! Well, forget about the cheerleader pictures. They were never my thing. A fine cover for my more curious indulgences.

Spenser: What about this poster of Marie Curie’s head photoshopped onto the naked body of a small Cambodian boy?

Greggggggg: Oh yes. That’s an old favorite. But don’t forget the clown porn as well. And the refugee snuff films. And the he-females! Everyone loves she-males. But I just adore the occasional he-female. They really get my bassoon tooting.

Spenser: Will do. And what of football artifacts?

Greggggggg: Just bring that football that Rich Kotite signed for me. Do you know why I loved Rich Kotite, Spenser? Because he never ran up the score. Oh, how I miss him.

Spenser: Father! What of the DVD’s?

Greggggggg: Bring them all. I like turning down the sound and offering my OWN commentary, which is superior to that of any shallow, vulgar Hollywood filmmaker. Do the men behind “Grandma’s Boy” understand the Crimean War? No, they do not.

Spenser: Shall we bring your brother as well?

Greggggggg: Oh, yes. I need him to remain alive so I can continue to appear stately and intelligent by mere association. Also, bring that foot locker.

Spenser: It is very heavy, father. What is it?

Greggggggg: It’s the body of Louis Aguiar. Sometimes, when a team launches a mincing fraidy-cat punt, I take out the corpse and stroke it to soothe myself.

Spenser: Very well. I have packed everything, father. Is the combination to the cave door still “Vivaldi”?

Greggggggg: Oh no, son. It’s Sibelius. You know Vivaldi is far too pedestrian for me.

Spenser: I am sorry, father.

Greggggggg: That reminds me, son. I’m afraid you will not be able to join me.

Spenser: But why?

Greggggggg: I’m afraid there is only enough Camembert and Madeira for two in the cave, my son. And you know what O. Henry said about geniuses producing mediocre offspring, do you not? My brainchildren are far more important to society than my actual children.

Spenser: But father! How could you betray me so?

Greggggggg: I’m sorry, son. My preservation is for the greater good. You would merely be a garnish to our new and glorious civilization once the Antichrist and his filthy urchin friend Bill Belichick have been vanquished. Goodbye, my son. I will miss having you as a sounding board for my impromptu 75-minute lectures.

(takes out gun)

Spenser: No Dad! Wait!

(shoots Spenser dead, writes “Game Over” in notebook)

Greggggggg: Now to go hear myself think!


Upstate Underdog said...

The "Grandma's Boy" reference pushed this post over the top.

Glad to see BDD's raging man love for PJ not in get in the way of another quality post.

Unsilent Majority said...

awed silence

My Insignificant Life said...

Clown Porn......Somewhere, Clarabell & Bozo are laughing wearing their clown latex.

jackin'4beats said...

Well ok then... Now to go and force my head to explode.

Gregggggg sounds a lot like Stewie Griffin in my head. Is it just me or the voices?

huh, what?

Pemulis said...

i hope he didnt get any of his son's blood on his clownsuit. i hate that

Delimitation said...

Fucking brilliant dude.

Matt said...

All I needed to see was the Spenser picture to know this was going to be an instant classic.

Well done, sir.

Stephen said...

I know you typed enough G's but I can also tell that you weren't enunciating the g's to their fullest.


"Boom went the punt"

Group 5 said...

"The body of Louis Aguiar."

That was splendiferous.

Lenn Sakatas Media Assassin said...

In a world without Gregg Easterbrook, who will be there to remind us that both the Jets AND the Giants play in New Jersey???? OH! The irony, Greggg! For it was YOU who blitzed again and again...right into our hearts every Tuesday. Ye shall be missed.

Otto Man said...

And don't forget my Peter Paul Rubens tracings.

Upon closer inspection, those were doodles of Paul Reubens.

MDZ said...

Who else wants to see an Easterbrook-Bill Simmons murder suicide?

85 said...




Anti-Semitism, Clown Porn, and Sibelius: The Official Trinity of TMQ.

lost said...

On no prior occasion have I so desperately wished that I had access to Photoshop.

Pemulis said...

i picture greggggggggggggg spending alot of time quoting boethius and wondering when Fortuna will cease his wheel from spinning down

the great bambi said...

you can't fool me, this hilarious, brilliant post is just part of the push to get voted your precious weblogawards, i see through your sick twisted scheme, you think you can buy my vote that easily???

because you can

smurphette said...

I was reading this on my blackberry during a meeting being run by a bunch of self-righteous asshats, and it caused me to laugh out loud at an inappropriate time. Made my day :)

OD said...

Simply amazing. I can't say more than that.

glenn said...

Verily, the football gods do chortle heartily.

Anonymous said...

It's like an even more hellish version of The Road, KSK-style.

dickey simpkins said...

When I saw TMQ in the title, I simply wrote "game over" in my notebook.

JAMMQ said...

You mean everybody who has a brother who's a potential nominee for the Supreme Court isn't obnoxious?

They're brothers. They've gotta have the same intellect.

Just look at Peyton and Eli.

Hick Flick said...

Good heavens! This treatise was so bloody amusing that I dropped my monocle into my cognac snifter!