Tuesday, November 6, 2007

The Inevitable Return of Schottenheimer Pt. 1

Yesterday I was watching the SportsCenter's NFL highlights for the seventh time when I came to a realization, this league is filled with incompetence. You may remember that last year it was the quarterback play that left me feeling appalled. This year I've set my sights on those other lightning rods of criticism, the head coaches. And why the fuck shouldn't I? The NFL is the single greatest sports league in the galaxy yet we're unable to produce 32 people with the ability to not cripple a franchise.

Seeing as how every team has gotten to the halfway point in the season it seems like a good time to evaluate the 32 NFL coaches, division by division. There will be no wine involved.

AFC East

Bill Belichick (NE)- He's safe...for now.
Dick Jauron (Buf)- So that's who they're their coach is! For another year at least.
Eric Mangini (NYJ)- His fat ass could better serve the franchise if he were buried in the foundation of the new stadium.
Cam Cameron (Mia)- Poor fucker.

AFC North

Mike Tomlin (Pit)- He'll be there for the next fifteen years.
Romeo Crennel (Cle)- He didn't get fired last year? Good for him. Looks like somebody's getting an extension!
Brian Billick (Bal)- If this pompous shit-eater still has a job next year the city of Baltimore will be torn asunder by riotous mobs--nobody will notice.
Marvin Lewis (Cin)- From the worst offensive coach to the worst defensive coach, this division is stellar! The only way that Mike Brown will eat his contract is if Chris Henry digs up and rapes the corpse of Paul Brown. So it's 50/50.

AFC South

Tony Dungy (Ind)- Put it this way, if they fire God's coach then it's an automatic seven years of bad luck. But if Jim Irsay comes out of the closet all bets are off.
Jeff Fisher (Ten)- When he dies they're going to prop his rotting corpse up against the first down marker.
Jack of the River (Jax)- They would fire him, but he's just so damn intimidating!
Gary Kubiak (Hou)- If he keeps moving along at this 10-15 pace the Texans will erect a thirty foot golden statue in his honor.

AFC West *Award Winner for Worst Coaches in the NFL

Herm Edwards (KC)- The team has a record of 4-4 making Herm's career record 52-52. In today's NFL you really can't put a price on that kind of sustained mediocrity.
Norv Turner (SD)- Hahaha! I'm not laughing because they're going to fire him, I'm laughing because somebody else is going to give him a job. People are fucking stupid.
Mike Shanahan (DEN)- If somebody can provide a rational argument against taking Shanny out back and shooting him in the base of the skull then I'd love to hear it.
Lane Kiffin (Oak)- Al Davis has enough energy to fire Kiffin or to poop, and man, he really needs to poop.

AFC Europe
Coming September 2012!

Check back this week for Part II: The NFC!


nicker66 said...

nice work. definitely nailed the AFC north.

Phony Gwynn said...

If somebody can provide a rational argument against taking Shanny out back and shooting him in the base of the skull then I'd love to hear it.

Hooligans rushed through the Holland Tunnel-sized hole in Denver's D-line and stole the shotgun.

That, or Patrick Ramsey would miss his head by four feet.

Taliek Brown said...

Norv Turner fucking blows

Who starts Chad Pennington for 8 weeks?

twoeightnine said...

I wasn't a big fan but you gotta give it up for Tricky Dicky though. One of the youngest and most inexperienced teams in the NFL, the hardest schedule (at the beginning of the year), 75 players on IR, a player almost died on the field, an 0-3 start, 2 heartbreaking losses, and somehow we're 4-4.

cameltrader said...

Dick Jauron (Buf)- So that's who they're coach is! For another year at least.

they're does no equal their.

I will now remove the stick from my ass.

Unsilent Majority said...

yeah, but winning is easy when you put your faith in JP Losman

cameltrader said...



Unsilent Majority said...


Upstate Underdog said...

Jauron went to Yale, that is enough reason for me to fire him

smurphette said...

Oh god, thanks for posting something new. That graphic of the suicide girl was really starting to creep me out. And the Tony Dungy one is hilarious.

Jarrett said...

That's where you're wrong.

Baltimore would notice, as it would interrupt filming of the Wire.

lost said...

jarrett, baltimore won't believe it happened until it's depicted on the Wire.

only David Simon knows what really happens in B/mo

now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go 'fire lane kiffin'

Rant_Casey said...

"Jauron went to Yale, that is enough reason for me to fire him"

Jauron is from Swampscott, MA. That's an even bigger reason to fire him. I went to High School in Swampscott. It is the home of douchebaggery (and rich Jews! cool!).


twoeightnine said...

There are poor Jews?

Rant_Casey said...

Compared to these ones, yes.

the great bambi said...

there are rich Jews then filthy rich Jews...but then again all Jews are filthy so I guess it's rich filthy Jews and filthy rich filthy Jews, the bane of gregggggg easterbrook's existence

Unknown said...

Anyone can provide commentary on this years coaching situations. Thought I'd provide some NFL prophesy and write this column for next year a little early...

AFC East

Nick Saban (NE) - Everyone was shocked when Belicheck was clutched into the bowls of the earth in the AFC championship, until they saw that Satan had decided to just take over the reigns himself with the Pats trailing again in the fourth.

Dick Jauron (Toronto) - Everyone knows Canada loves some dick

Mark Mangino (NYJ) - Jets realized that they had chosen the wrong "mangin__" after KU won the BCS

Bobby Petrino (Mia) - he HAS won two games with the Falcons, and was a semi-successful young college coach... a perfect fit for Miami

AFC North

Omar Epps (Pit) - 14 years left on the contract; was sad to see Ben Roethlisburger tear his leg up again in that shydiving unicycle accident

Romeo Crennel (Cle) - Hired Brian Billick in offseason as OC to add further firepower to office -- Billick promptly named both Quinn and Anderson starting QB and cut Jamal Lewis; who needs an RB in this offense?

Lovie Smith (Cin) - Chicago and Cincinnati play trading spaces; Lovie Smith trying Chad Johnson at corner

Ray Lewis (Balt) - new policy of allowing guns in stadium leads to promising start to season until "god's LB" has Ed Hocculi off'ed.

More to come if I feel like it.

SlideShow Bob said...

Cant wait til i get to hear about Tom "Fun" Coughlin.

jackin'4beats said...

Where are my slappy titties?