A Timeline of the Redskins Coaching Search

1. Joe Gibbs announces his retirement leaving the average fan unmoved. The franchise looks to be heading in the right direction and the name Bill Cowher has us cautiously optimistic.

2.We begin to realize that all of Danny's money can't lure Cowher, so Gregg Williams becomes the favorite by default.

3. Vinny Cerrato is promoted to "Executive" Vice President of Football Operations. Rumors float that Snyder offered the job to Jim Mora. Meanwhile, Gregg is left twisting in the wind after several interviews and no offer.

4. Jim Fassel's name emerges as the most likely candidate JIM FASSEL! ARE YOU SHITTING ME? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!


If (when) the official announcement is made I'll be back to try and explain things the best I can. Until then, try not to look any Washington fan directly in the eyes. We're all feeling a little froggy this week.

I already feel a rant coming on.

Chris Mottram is already loading his gun.

Fearest Not, Milady. 'Tis Norval the Dragonslayer

Maiden: Our land has been cast into shadows and our armies pounded into dust, sir knight. My kingdom lies in ruins, torn asunder by the great red and blue beast. Our homes have been ransacked. Our women have been raped. Our children have been raped. Our rapists have been raped.

I fain not think that you should fail in your quest, Brave Sir Norval. I've heard of your exploits -- how you failed in leading the noble savages of Washington, how you miserably failed in leading the less than noble savages of Oakland, but you are all that remains.

Your pockmarked visage is difficult to regard. Your breath reeks of carrion. Your armor is tattered and I am fairly certain your horse has been dead for some time. The Good Lord has not seen fit to bless you in the ways of looks nor intelligence, but you are indeed brave. That counts for something, though it be not much.

All who have gone before the beast have been vanquished soundly and without mercy. Even you yourself were defeated most handily early in its reign of terror, perhaps only spared your pathetic life for no other reason than sheer boredom by that foul creature and its braying supporters.

If there existed a system in which I could wager our kingdom's fortunes on your chances of success, I would surely lay on money on the side of the beast and take the points. Sadly, there is no such system. It is an unfortunate consequence of our Slaughter of the Jews many years past.

Go now. Take in your hand the dark blade of Volek and strike down this scourge upon our realm. If successful, I could even learn to love you and would lustily expose a section of ankle to you. Think me not bawdy, sir knight. I am ready to make the appropriate sacrifice.

Goodnight, Sweet Prince

It's been announced that Joe Gibbs 2.0 will retire at a press conference this afternoon. Even in the rocky years of the Gibbs comeback we owe a lot of thanks to the legendary coach/preacher. We thank him for two playoff seasons, we thank him for his leadership in the wake of Sean Taylor's murder, but mostly, we thank him for leaving. We'll always love our coach Gibbs but clearly the time had come. From the handcuffed offense, to the blown leads, and befuddled timeouts/challenges, it was clear that his time had come and gone.

So now my Redskins find themselves at a crossroads. They're $25 million over next year's cap and Gregggg Williams reportedly has a clause in his contract that makes him the overwhelming favorite to become the next head coach. So what's next for the Redskins?



OH SHIT! JESUS CHRIST, DON'T LEAVE JOE, WE STILL LOVE YOU! WE'LL LET YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!

You can challenge all of the obvious fumbles you want. Feel like calling back-to-back timeouts? Have at it! Hell, I'll even let all of the Jesus bullshit slide for another season or so, just don't leave us with that smarmy prick in charge of our franchise!

Fine, go shove your hands down Dale Jr's Wranglers, you old fuck! We don't need you, we have Tom Fucking Cruise on our side!

I feel like Richie Tenenbaum at Wimbledon.

Smug Face vs. Fug Face. WHO YA GOT?

The top two seeds in the AFC last season are barely hanging onto faint playoff hopes with only a few weeks remaining in the regular season. When heads eventually roll, they'll probably bear the visages of these two clowns. Likely, incompetence will emerge Hydra-like from the stumps. In the meantime, we can find out who'll be king of the unemployment line in the offseason. WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Brian Billick_______Norv Turner


Springboard to head coaching job

1998 Vikings_________'91-'93 Cowboys


Favorite stench

Own farts_________Failure


Thanksgiving experience

Changing recipes, chiding family for disliking the results___burning cereal


Hero

Ronald Reagan_____________Ronald Raygun


Excuse for losing

Gameplan perhaps too brilliant____________Marmalard


All they want for Christmas

BOOT! BOOT! BOOOOOOOT!_______________Journey album


Finishing move

Condescension toward doubters______Getting hired by another team

The Inevitable Return of Schottenheimer Pt. 2

This is a continuation of yesterday's post analyzing the NFL's 32 head coaches.

NFC East

Fatty Arbuckle (Dal)- Every time Jason Garret walks by the head coach's office he mentally measures for new curtains.
Tom Coughlin (NYG)- He could become the first coach to be unceremoniously fired after winning the Super Bowl...nah, they aren't winning the Super Bowl.
Joe Gibbs (Was)- Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die.
Andy "The Pin" Reid (Phi)- Roger Goodell will intervene to fire Reid on Philly's behalf.

NFC North

Mike McCarthy (GB)- As long as he keeps Brett full of opiates it's all good.
Rod Marinelli (Det)- You mean to tell me that Mike Martz isn't the Lions coach?
Brad Childress (Min)- Staking his future on Chester Taylor.
Lovie Smith (Chi)- He took the Sex Cannon to the Super Bowl. Big time grace period.

NFC South

Jon Gruden (TB)- They tried to burn him in the fire place but he managed to escape.
John Fox (Car)- On the verge of becoming the biggest scapegoat since German Jews
Sean Payton (NO)- He could blow up the levee's and still be untouchable.
Bobby Petrino (Atl)- Even Home Depot managers get more respect from their underlings. Mutiny is all but assured.

NFC West

Mike Holmgren (Sea)- They're already collecting the necessary tonnage of smelt to buy out his contract.
Ken Whisenhunt (Ari)- Cushiest job in the NFL. Nobody expects too much and there's no chance he's getting fired before his contract expires.
Mike Nolan (SF)- They're already stocking the fuhrerbunker with cyanide pills.
Scott Linehan (StL)- Injuries happen, and so does seppuku.

NFC Far East

Coming September 2012!

The Inevitable Return of Schottenheimer Pt. 1

Yesterday I was watching the SportsCenter's NFL highlights for the seventh time when I came to a realization, this league is filled with incompetence. You may remember that last year it was the quarterback play that left me feeling appalled. This year I've set my sights on those other lightning rods of criticism, the head coaches. And why the fuck shouldn't I? The NFL is the single greatest sports league in the galaxy yet we're unable to produce 32 people with the ability to not cripple a franchise.

Seeing as how every team has gotten to the halfway point in the season it seems like a good time to evaluate the 32 NFL coaches, division by division. There will be no wine involved.

AFC East

Bill Belichick (NE)- He's safe...for now.
Dick Jauron (Buf)- So that's who they're their coach is! For another year at least.
Eric Mangini (NYJ)- His fat ass could better serve the franchise if he were buried in the foundation of the new stadium.
Cam Cameron (Mia)- Poor fucker.

AFC North

Mike Tomlin (Pit)- He'll be there for the next fifteen years.
Romeo Crennel (Cle)- He didn't get fired last year? Good for him. Looks like somebody's getting an extension!
Brian Billick (Bal)- If this pompous shit-eater still has a job next year the city of Baltimore will be torn asunder by riotous mobs--nobody will notice.
Marvin Lewis (Cin)- From the worst offensive coach to the worst defensive coach, this division is stellar! The only way that Mike Brown will eat his contract is if Chris Henry digs up and rapes the corpse of Paul Brown. So it's 50/50.

AFC South

Tony Dungy (Ind)- Put it this way, if they fire God's coach then it's an automatic seven years of bad luck. But if Jim Irsay comes out of the closet all bets are off.
Jeff Fisher (Ten)- When he dies they're going to prop his rotting corpse up against the first down marker.
Jack of the River (Jax)- They would fire him, but he's just so damn intimidating!
Gary Kubiak (Hou)- If he keeps moving along at this 10-15 pace the Texans will erect a thirty foot golden statue in his honor.

AFC West *Award Winner for Worst Coaches in the NFL

Herm Edwards (KC)- The team has a record of 4-4 making Herm's career record 52-52. In today's NFL you really can't put a price on that kind of sustained mediocrity.
Norv Turner (SD)- Hahaha! I'm not laughing because they're going to fire him, I'm laughing because somebody else is going to give him a job. People are fucking stupid.
Mike Shanahan (DEN)- If somebody can provide a rational argument against taking Shanny out back and shooting him in the base of the skull then I'd love to hear it.
Lane Kiffin (Oak)- Al Davis has enough energy to fire Kiffin or to poop, and man, he really needs to poop.


AFC Europe
Coming September 2012!

Check back this week for Part II: The NFC!

We Gotta Teach the Children Everyday, Keep a Song. Show Them the Light, Teach Them Right From Wrong.

Though receiving scant attention from the mainstream press, Marvin Lewis yesterday was continuing his mentoring program with Cincinnati-area at-risk youth.

Marvin Lewis: Okay, glad you could make out here today, uh...

At-risk youth: Terence Hawkins.

Marvin Lewis: Terence, right. Okay, I'm gonna let you take over for a bit. We're up 3-0. We stopped the Steelers on their opening drive, but now they're moving down the field. This is a critical point in the game. Our offense is playing well, but we don't need to play catch-up on this defense. Whaddaya got for me?

At-risk youth: Okay, right. Okay. Yeah. I think I remember what my mans was telling me to do last week. Let's try this...Madieu Williams, spin around real fast.

Madieu Williams: Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa

At-risk youth: Cool. A'yo, Leon Hall. When Hines Ward makes a routine move to the inside I want you to run straight at that goal post.

Leon Hall: Goal post. Got it.

At-risk youth: Dhani Jones, take a seat.

Dhani Jones: Has anyone espied my copy of "Piscatorial Eclogues"? You would be ill-advised if you displaced my Dr. Cornel West bookmark.

Marvin Lewis: Okay, who are you subbing in for Jones?

At-risk youth: No one.

Marvin Lewis: But you only got 10 men on the field.

At-rish youth: 'xactly. It's called the 46 defense. Because four plus six equals ten. I learned that shit last week from the new Mick Boogie mixtape.

Marvin Lewis: What's it called?

At-risk youth: 's called "Four Plus Six Equals Ten."

Marvin Lewis: What does tha--

At-risk youth: It's about drugs.

Marvin Lewis: But you can't have only 10 men on the field. It makes it easier on the offense.

At-risk youth: Nah, nah, coach. My man told me 'bout this thing, right. Like, he told me, if you play 10 dudes on dis down, you can play, like, 12 on the next and shit. And you if you play nine dudes...

Marvin Lewis: YOU CAN PLAY 13! Oh, man. That is genius. Yo, Bresnahan.

Bresnahan: Yeah?

Marvin Lewis: You're fired. Terence here is my new defensive coordinator.

(Bresnahan shrugs, walks away without bothering to take headset off.)

At-risk youth: Aight. I'm thinking, like, we play, like, five guys per play in the second quarter, then in the second half, we can play the whole team on defense.

Marvin Lewis: Fantastic. If Tomlin didn't wear sunglasses all the damn time, you could see the terror in his eyes.

At-risk youth: Yo, can I get your prints on this gun, right quick?

Why must I chase the cat?

True Raiders fans know that every coach since Tom Flores has been a pathetic underachiever (especially Jon Gruden, fuck him). But some current Raiders are treating this weekend's game against San Diego like it's old home week.

Nostalgia simply for the sake of nostalgia is the bane of my existence. Those Metal Skool retards are a prime example. Shit gets relegated to the dustbin of pop culture for a reason. There's no such thing as enjoying it ironically, dicksmack, you just have shitty taste.

Not sharing this opinion is Oakland wide receiver Jerry Porter, who, I shit you not, was waxing sentimental ahead of this weekend's game against the Chargers. Jerry, you see, unlike the Raiders fans who haven't been able to suppress the horrible memories of the past four seasons, is fond of the Norv Turner era in Oakland.

"My dog Norv? Gotta love my dog Norv." - Jerry Porter

Let's put it this way, if Norv were my dog, I'd be making a trip to the pound (or Surry County, VA). But if Norv really was a well-known dog, which one would he be? Let's find out.

Marmaduke

While we wouldn't be surprised to hear about some frottage in Norv's cottage, this seems like a bad comparison. Marm always gets what he wants-- milquetoast Norv, not so much. Incidentally, my late grandfather loved him some Marmaduke. But for some reason, he lived under the impression that his name was "Mandrake."



Mister Peabody

Are you fuggin' kidding me? Peabody invented the coddam WABAC machine. Norv can't even figure out a way to stop the zone blitz.

The Junkyard Dog

JYD knew how to handle 'roided up freaks like Hercules Hernandez and Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake. Norv on the other hand is still struggling with Shawne Merriman.

Droopy Dawg

Okay, I think we are getting closer. Still, Droopy's sad-sack demeanor is somewhat endearing and garners him some sympathy. Norv's sorry-ass coaching record only elicits scorn and canine-related mockery.

Sandy from Little Orphan Annie

Ding, ding! I think we have a winner....

Assistant coach (speaking to Norv through headset): "Okay coach, we're down by nine with five and a half minutes. We have all three timeouts. It's fourth and one on our own 46. Do we want to punt or go for it?

Norv: Arf!

Asst: Excuse me?

Norv: Arf!

Asst: What the fuck do you mean, 'arf'? We are trying to win a fuckin' game and all you can say is 'arf'???

Norv: Arf!

Asst (sighs): We're boned.

The Best Defense is a Good Offense. Having a Defense Helps, Too.

--------------------------------Thursday-----------------------------

Marvin Lewis: Goddamit Deltha O'Neal! What is this I hear about your Rott attacking a woman and her daughter?

O'Neal: They was asking for it. Literally, they said "please, doggie, bite us viciously in our ass and legs," at least that's what the canine psychic said Dogtha O'Kee-ill said they said to him. Anyway, I wasn't even arrested, coach.

Lewis: It don't matter. I don't need any headlines like this. The more these things crop up, the more heat I get. Mike Brown has already made it apparent that he's cool with me missing the playoffs, so long as I don't need to have anymore sit-downs with the Rog about player discipline. So we're spending the rest of the week learning about comportment and etiquette. We're off to the Skyline School for Wayward Bengals.

O'Neal: But coach, we haven't finished preparing for the Browns.

Lewis: You let me worry about that. I'm not getting shitcanned on account of your antics.

-------------------------------Sunday---------------------------------

Lewis: Okay, I want you guys to have a well-mannered, professional game out there. I want you to stay the fuck away from that Jamal Lewis guy. He's gonna steer you wrong, get you into that bad shit. Under no circumstances are you to interact with him.

Michael Myers: Aren't we gonna need to tackle him though?

Lewis: The fuck I just stay? Keep away from the muthafucka.

/Jamal Lewis runs for a 43-yard touchdown.

Caleb Miller: Coach! I was gonna tackle Jamal, but he was trying to offer me a good price on an ounce of rock, so I let him go right on by.

Lewis: You did the right thing. That's some fine work, son.

/Braylon Edwards catches a 60-yard touchdown pass.

Leon Hall: Coach, man, dawg, we gotta do something. We're gonna lose to the goddamn Browns. You know embarassing this is?

Lewis: Don't try to lecture me on defense. I was a defensive coach for the Steelers, Ravens and Redskins when they all had top-ranked units. Didn't you go to Michigan? You should know about embarassing losses. App State, right?

Hall: Uh, that was this year's team. I entered the draft following last season.

Lewis: Well, Detroit's in Michigan, right? Still the murder capital of the country, isn't it? But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you, Leon?

Hall: But there are hundreds of unsolved murders in Detroit!

Lewis: You just don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, Leon Hall?

/Kellen Winslow scores on a 73-yard pass and doesn't even bother to run half the way.

Defensive coordinator Chuck Bresnahan: Marvin, I don't know about this idea to let at-risk youth design our defensive schemes.

Lewis: And why the fuck not? We need something to burnish our image with the community.

Bresnahan: Well, for starters, on this first play, we got one defensive lineman lined up, eight people covering Joe Jurevicius and two guys selling bootleg CDs on the 30-yard line.

Lewis: They got the new Talib?

Bresnahan: What?

Lewis: Nothing.

...

Forget it. Just follow the kid's plays, would ya?

/Derek Anderson throws another eight TDs.

Lewis: Contract extension, here I come.

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekkake: San Diego Chargers

Five Fast Facts About the Chargers:

*Igor Olshansky has two Star of David tattoos on his body. Way to make it that much easier for the Nazis to identify you, smart guy.
*Lorenzo Neal's most prized possessions are boxing gloves used by Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier, and that football he kept from his career-long seven yard rush.
*Shawne Merriman used to own a restaurant/bar in College Park called Lupo's, where the steriods were occasionally served with alcohol.
*Cletis Gordon's nickname is "Flash," not because he's fast, but like any self-respecting Cletis, he likes to show you his dick.
*Legedu Naanee would like to sell a vowel.

Projected record: 11-5

Actual record: 9-7

2006

2007

2008

2009

2010

2011