Monday, November 12, 2007

Wade and Jerry Starring In “Pig-malion”, Part I

Wade: Hoo boy! My goodness! What a barnburner of a win! I reckon we’re doin’ pretty good tryin’ to salt this division away. I’m real proud of those kids out there. They’re doin’ a heckuva job. And, I must say, I think I’m going to celebrate just a little today with my favorite lunch in the whole wide world.

My my my. That is one good-looking chili dog. Haven’t had one of these in ages. But you did good yesterday, ol’ Wade. You deserve to treat yourself. This might be my favorite food in the world. It’s got a hot dog, with chili right on top! Imagine bein’ able to use meat as a condiment! What a country!

(takes a bite, a small bit falls onto his shirt)

Oh, dag gummit! Well, if that ain’t just the raccoon beatin’ down my doorstep. I better get a hold of some club soda and try and wash this fella out best I can.

What’s the rumbling sound?

(door flies open)


Wade: Oh, God dammit.

Jerry: Did you see what my boy ROMO did out there yesterday, you big fat manatee? FOUR touchdown passes, all on the Broadway stage!

Wade: Actually, the game was played in Jersey, sir.

Jerry: Jersey, Broadway… It’s all the same shit to me, Buffet Buster! Just a bunch of meatheads with funny accents and queers with lip rings!

Wade: Sir, if you don’t mind, I’m tryin’ to eat my lunch.

Jerry: Good God, what the fuck are you eatin’, Florence Tubbingale? Is that a chili dog? You know what kind of nitrates are in that, Sir Francis Bacon? You may as well eat shit right from a man’s muddy asshole! Then sop the buttjuice up with Wonder Bread!

Wade: I’m trying to eat, sir!

Jerry: Not anymore, you ain’t! (throw chili dog away) Listen, Fatty. I’ve been thinking about things. And it’s clear to me that the reason my boy ROMO isn’t an A-list worldwide superstar at this very instant is because YOU are draggin’ him down!

Wade: He threw 4 TD’s yesterday!

Jerry: (takes off ten-gallon hat, hits Wade with it) I’m not talkin’ about football, Mount Foodji! I’m talking about appearances! How can my boy ROMO be revered when his lazy fatass of a coach is sittin’ over on the sideline sucking on a chili dog like a French whore on rent day? It’s time to teach your sorry fat ass some MANNERS! To teach you in the art of bein’ a real gentleman! And I know just the man to help you!

(door opens)

Garrett: (singing)
Do mi re fa mi sol fa la sol ti la do ti re do!
Do la ti sol la fa sol mi fa re mi do re ti do!

Jerry: That is gorgeous! Is that one one of them eye-talian operettas?

Garrett: Oh ho ho ho! Heavens no, Mr. Jones! Those are my alternate, skipped scales. Ascending and descending, of course. One cannot call himself an educated man without properly knowing his solfege! Helps keep the diaphram elastic. I’m sure the portly gentleman here knows all about elastic.

Wade: Hey!

Garrett: I know my other fine vocal tune-ups as well, Mr. Jones. Like this one: My momma makes me mash my M & MMMMMMMMMMMM’s!

Jerry: Whoa, that is some crazy shit right there!

Garrett: The alliteration helps the soft palate, sir. It’s all about the soft palate. Again, I’m sure Barbara Cook here knows all about mashed M&M’s.

Wade: This is ridiculous! I don’t need to be taught to be a gentleman!

Jerry: Wrong, Brunhilda! Some proper etiquette training from Princeton boy here is just what we need to help get my boy ROMO to the top!

Wade: Oh, for Pete’s sake. Fine. Fine, I’ll do whatever you want.

Garrett: Great. We shall begin this very night. Kindly meet me in my study at 8:00PM sharp this evening. And try not to bring the baggage of your agrarian upbringing with you. And don’t wear burlap overalls, as I assume you do in your casual time.

Wade: I won’t.

Jerry: Well, I’m glad we’re getting’ you moving in the right direction, Chief Nougat. NOW IT’S TIME FOR A LITTLE HOGTYIN’!

Wade: What?!


(ties up Wade with twine, stuffs tomato in Wade’s mouth)

Wade: Mmmmfff! Mmmfff mfffmf mfff!!!

Jerry: My goodness! Look at him, all tied up like that! Makes me want to have a team luau! How you feel about roastin’ over an open flame, little piggy?

Wade: Mmffff!!! Mff! Mfmfmmfffff!!!!

Garrett: How wonderful!


Part II next week


Raskolnikov said...

Wade is so deliciously fat. So horribly dirty.

Steve said...

Haha...a french whore on rent day...

Jarrett said...

Code Monkeys will be filing a copyright infringement suit in 5...4...3...2...

1972DavidBowieFromTheZiggyStardustTour said...

I really really hope the Cowboys' next head coach is Mark Mangino.

jackin'4beats said...

You may as well eat shit right from a man’s muddy asshole! Then sop the buttjuice up with Wonder Bread!

It's a good thing I wasn't eating when I read that. The mental imagery was waaaaay too sick. Then again I damned near laughed till I pissed myself.

Unknown said...

Damn BDD, all those visuals and I haven't eaten breakfast yet..

But it was a splendid post none the less. I too enjoyed the french whore on rent day stab.

Otto Man said...

I hope we get to have a flashback of Garrett in Clown College.

Anonymous said...

That picture of Garrett is really starting to haunt me in my dreams. He looks like Dahmer without the glasses.

Big Daddy Drew said...

The fuck is Code Monkeys?

I rip my characters off from far more obvious sources, people.

Group 5 said...


Outstanding work, sir.

Unsilent Majority said...

Nobody has seen Code Monkeys.

Raskolnikov said...

Cod Monkeys clip

Larrity = Jerry Jones

Raskolnikov said...

Black Steve = UM

lost said...

I too enjoy stabbing a french whore on rent day.

Anonymous said...

There are times I feel sorry for Wade Phillips, after being called Florence Tubbingale (nice) or Mount Foodji (double nice). Then I remember that Wade's father is Bum Phillips, another old psychotic hick, not unlike Jerry Jones. Wade probably gets off on all the shame and humiliation.

Damn, hogtying the guy probably sprung his 3" pecker!

Anonymous said...

"Mount Foodji" -- wow, that's just... (standing up to applaud)

BDD, how much is the bounty on Al Harris?

Jeff said...

This sketch is all about the upcoming class-war.

SlideShow Bob said...

Sir Francis Bacon, pure genius

futuremrsrickankiel said...

So is Wade going to like, build a statue of a hot dog and then fall in love with it and pray for it to come to life? Then eat it when the gods grant his request?

The title got me excited for the possibilities.

Drew said...

And try not to bring the baggage of your agrarian upbringing with you. And don’t wear burlap overalls, as I assume you do in your casual time.

My desk received a severe pounding just now. Well done.

H Cuz said...

Loved "Mount Foodji."

Also, Garrett is fucking creepy.

Anonymous said...

Garrett looks like he should be leading one of the gangs in Oz. I think I am going to have nightmares with that picture.

Unknown said...

I'll donate to the Al Harris bounty.

Upstate Underdog said...

Garrett adds a different angle, it's fucking hilarious.

Slash said...

I too enjoyed "you big fat manatee," "Mount Foodji," "sucking on a chili dog like a French whore on rent day" and of course "HOLY DOGSHIT I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!"

And now I want a chili dog.