Usually the Kill, Kill, Kill features are in video form. However, this picture was too freaking crazy not to post.
Every so often in Florida, a bleary meth-head, in the midst of a fleeting moment of clarity, will realize that his decision to make a pet of a Burmese python was a poor one-- and the snake is unceremoniously set loose into the Everglades. When the python crosses paths with some of the indigenous wildlife what ensues can best be described as illegal immigration: reptile style.
The Burmese python tried to swallow its fearsome rival whole but then exploded. The python's remains were found with the victim's tail protruding from its burst midsection.
The photo shows the gruesome aftermath. The alligator, in a testament old-fashioned American determination, refused to give up merely because he had been eaten alive-- spending his final moments making sure he took the Asian invader with him. The park ranger says that he is aware of four similar encounters-- all either won by the gator or like this one, a mortal draw. USA! USA! USA!
This is hardly the first time that a dismembered snake has been used to represent North American nationalism. Benjamin Franklin's well known political cartoon at the left advocated colonial solidarity. The sentiment draw upon the old myth that a chopped up snake, if left in a bag overnight, would magically reassemble. Kind of like the myth I currently subscribe to about chopped up hookers.
Well, it’s time. We’ve put this off long enough. After seeing this article outing The Big Lead as former US Weekly editor Jason McIntyre, and after seeing the boys at Fire Joe Morgan out themselves as successful TV writers (not that I’m jealous or anything… fucking talented fuckers) and doing it because “people have a right to face their accusers,” we at KSK felt compelled to, at long last, reveal ourselves for the very first time. This was not an easy decision. Many of us have regular day jobs that we do not want jeopardized. But we felt a responsibility to do this. Ufford has carried this burden far too long. So, at long last, here now are our real identities.
PUNTER
“I am Mandi Morgan Potter, adult film star and cosplay expert for hire.”
APE
“I am Manuel Habanero, world renowned pinatero.”
CAVEMAN
While Matt Ufford is the original Captain Caveman, for the last year and a half, his posts have been ghostwritten by Janice Dickens, a Steelers fan who adores her two English bulldogs, Amy and Emily.
MAJ
“I am Kyle Sandersonian, a roadie for System of a Down.”
FLUBBY
“I am actually a platinum plate lightning lamp from The Sharper Image catalog. I originally retail for $39,99, but right now I am available at a considerable discount. When you touch me, the lightning all redirects to your hand! Isn’t that amazing?! It’s all about heat.”
FALCO
Falco’s (1975-2006) real name was David Garcia. He died in a tenement fire set deliberately by an unscrupulous landlord. His family was given no restitution.
DREW
My real name is actually Andrew von Trapp deKlampfenstein IV. I was born in Austria and am actually a Count by heritage. After graduating from Phillips Exeter Academy, I returned to my homeland to join the Austrian Air Force. I have flown 398 successful sorties over reconstructed Serbian schoolhouses. I have a charm bracelet that has over 76 miniature skull charms, each of which signify a Serbian mongrel child I helped “cleanse” off the landscape. Women are normally horrified to hear of such exploits. But then they look into my deep Cerulean blue eyes, and they know that I am pure of heart and girthy of dongbone. You should also know that I steadfastly refuse to wear any clothing that is not emblazoned with some sort of crest.
So there you have it. I hope these stunning revelations - and the fact that even if you know our real names, we’re still just six assholes you don’t know - don’t affect how you read our fine site.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have villages to wipe off the landscape.
The very word conjures images of stumblebums, have-nots, Top Ramen and public library internet users. But on this day, it finds itself swaddled around the the chroniclers of gladiators and philosopher-kings.
Under the forbidding skies of a cold, harsh March morn, National Football League Films head man Steve Sabol did meet with 21 of his compatriots for a fateful announcement that would forever change the course of history.
After a long, hard season of agonizing twists and turns, and the unforeseen adversity caused by a nation's terminal indifference to "Inside The NFL," Sabol was faced with the hardest decision… OF HIS CAREER.
Sabol: This was a really, really, hard decision.
And as Sabol met with his men that day, he steeled himself, much in the way of the storied '70s curtain defense as told in fables by rheumy eyed school children, for the crack of bones and the wrenching of viscera.
The general marched into the camp where twenty-one of his finest men awaited his command. Only his command took of the form of a tersely worded statement that their connection to the army that they spent their livelihoods building...would be torn...ASUNDER.
Mike Johnson, Security Guard: They told me I had to meet with Human Resources, and I thought to myself, "They better have fixed my goddamn vision coverage." Then I saw Sabol was in the office too, and I thought, OH SHIT.
It was here, near the FROZEN SUNDRIES of the 5th floor kitchen, that fate would deal these brave warriors a cruel, losing hand. One by one did the doughty fall prey, having only an uncaring pink slip and their severance pay to show for their years of Herculean toil.
Raymond Tsou, Production Assistant: Dude. It really fucking sucks because, first off, I didn't see this coming and then I don't really have any savings built up and, like, I'm in night school right now too, so I gotta pay for that. And my Xbox Gold membership expires next week. What kind of life is playing the computer?
Woe to he who ventures from the field of battle torn, tested and ultimately turned loose. A pauper in his own kingdom, a stranger in his own mind. He takes it all with him, leaves nothing behind.
They would live to face their wives, but they would do so as lesser men.
It seems someone forgot to disseminate the message that early March was the high blogger vacation season. So far we've already seen Drew hitting the vast unspoilt gun ranges of Vegas, Leitch stammering his drink orders at Turks and Caicos and now Ufford off overthrowing some Central American dictator somewhere for fun and profit.
The rest of us are left to dream of what may be until we can scam enough money off the government or get enough page views on that Deadspin weekend post (more sexy pics!)
The rules for this draft were far less clearly defined than those in the past. But then, this is vacay, no need to get hung up on particulars, right? It boils down to whatever place you'd like to while away some of that precious down time, as long as the place, you know, exists (no Black Man's Heaven for Maj, no Robot Hell for flubby).
Got it? Good.
Shoving off...
1. Drew -- Lake Como, Italy Drew [So sure of himself, he offers nothing in the way of elaboration]
flubby: [Citing something accurate sounding] "Lake Como is too polluted to swim in, with colony-forming units of bacteria at 68 times the safe limit for bathing, with a real risk for bathers of contracting skin infections, dermatitis and even salmonella."
Drew: Well, shit
Ufford: BWAHAHAHAHA
Unsilent: Lake Como is the new Kwame Brown
2. Punter -- Sydney, Australia
"Awesome weather, awesome attractions, awesome accents. Plus it's a continent and a country! But if I catch myself saying "throw another shrimp on the barbie," I'll kick myself in the nuts."
This came as a immense shock to the rest of us. I mean, Jared Hess has never filmed a movie on location in Sydney.
3. Ape -- Dubai, United Arab Emirates
The city is shaping up to be Vegas on Arab oil steroids. I'll have to swipe the Maj's answer from the country draft last year.
"Their government established free zones have resulted in an economic boom that makes oil money look passe. Of course the first thing to catch your eye is their ostentatious architecture, and who wouldn't want to play a game of rooftop tennis overlooking the Gulf of Oman. They've built their own fucking island in the likeness of a palm tree and now just look at what the Donald is about to build. Hey Trump, Georgia O'Keeffe thinks that's a bit on the nose."
Drew: Have fun trying to buy a whore there, Romeo.
Unsilent: Ape is scrambling to fill out a job application for Halliburton.
4. flubby -- Ibiza
I can party with some Eurotrash.
(likely actual vacation spot: Gatlinburg or worse)
5. Maj -- Amsterdam
It's no Lake Como, but it does have the Van Gogh Museum and Anne Frank House. Sure it's not flashy, but...oh yeah, WEED AND HOOKERS! Morons.
Might want to get there soon, Maj, as the Dutch are acting fast to make sure you won't ever want to go. But, yeah, I've been to the Anne Frank House. It's a blast and a half. Those floorboards are loud as fuck. I'm pretty sure I would've been found by the Nazis within minutes.
6. Ufford -- Brisbane, Australia.
I went to Sydney in July and it was fucking cold and filled with Brits. Brisbane is a little further north, has better surfing, and is referred to by Australians as "Bris Vegas." Score.
Bris Vegas sounds like some sort of massive mohel competition, but, sure, we'll all take turns taking Aussie towns. Melbourne might be a good value here.
7. Ufford -- Maui, Hawaii.
I wanted to pick an American destination in the event that my passport gets revoked; besides, I really appreciate it when I go somewhere and everyone speaks English. I've been to Oahu, and I thought it was amazing despite the tourist hellhole of Honolulu, so Maui can only be better.
Drew:Amsterdam? Maui? BOOOOORING.
Ufford: Hey, someone beat us to the best polluted lakes.
Drew: At least you can't book my vacation spot at Liberty Travel.
Ufford: Wait a second here. Is Drew presuming his choice is better because FEWER PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT IT? I am shocked. Absolutely shocked. Totally out of character.
Drew and Ufford at some point relocated their fight to the set of The View.
8. The Maj -- Kauai, HI
Princeville Resort is fucking incredible. I don't care if another Hawaiian island has been taken, or if it's boring in Drew's feeble eyes.
Hawaii and Australia are the big alma maters going in this draft. Penn State likely to drop very far.
9. flubby -- Anguilla.
It's NOT exactly the same as all the other Caribbean countries-- for example they wear BLUE cricket jerseys there.
10. Ape -- Canary Islands
Idyllic tropical paradise. And if some shit goes down, I'll know before anyone else!
Then, of course, Drew and Ufford got back to bickering.
Ufford: "Listen, if it takes fewer than two flight transfers and less than three hours of ground travel once I get there, it's not even worth going to."
Drew: I'm not ashamed to choose my vacations in the snobbiest way possible. /can't wait to pick Gatsby's mansion
Gorgeous, and reserved only for the filthy rich. Me and Keef can go climbing up coconut trees together.
Maj: Assuming either one of you is sober...and not fucking the other one in the ass.
Maj: Bristol, CT is falling like a rock!
There you have it. Our best vacation ideas ever and the attending best reasons never to go to them with each other. Now let us never speak of them again.
I made pinstripes what they are today... and you wouldn't believe what I did for the color orange.
I remember thinking that the best things about New York's Super Bowl run was the fact that Tiki Barber had absolutely nothing to do with the team's ultimate success. Knowing that his team excelled once he fled the Meadowlands for Rockefeller Plaza probably left gregarious insufferably douchey commentator with a touch of melancholy (and hopefully some infinite sadness).
So Tiki, how do you feel now that your team has achieved in your absence what they never could with you present?
"I feel great joy for them because I know in a lot of ways I helped a lot of guys on that team,” Barber said. “I know Brandon was someone who benefited from me being there; even criticizing someone is a way of getting them to think about themselves."
But that's not all!
Thanks to our unprecedented access to the world's foremost taint sniffing omelet flippers we were able to learn a lot more about Tiki's history of boosting greatness...
-I'm not saying I was at Normandy beach, but those guys know I was there in spirit.
-I had lunch with Obama once, and I think that really opened his eyes to what hope and change can achieve.
-Lisa Gherardini was Da Vinci's subject, but I was his muse.
-I taught Alicia Keys everything she knows about proper moisturizing.
-Al Gore invented the internet, but I invented Al Gore.
-Women didn't swoon over Matty Lauer until I took him to a proper tailor.
-You know all of those good plays Ronde made this year? Well that was me.
-I taught Gilbert Arenas the proper shaving technique.
-In the summertime, my vaguely unsettling easygoing personality repels mosquitoes.
-I'm glad Tiger listened when I told him he had a shot to win at Dubai.
-Few people know that the Treaty of Versailles had a ghostwriter.
-I approached Alexander Parkes at his graduation party and uttered one word, "plastics."
-I told that guy that shooting up the Super Bowl would be an error in judgement.
-I showed Saddam where to hide the WMDs.
-Woody was just some Catskills hack until I handed him my philosophy textbook.
-Women wearing ties? Not before I got in Diane Keaton's ear.
-The ratings for the Super Bowl were so good because I personally turned on every TV in America.
-One time I was hangin' with Gandhi and I was like, "dude, you need to lose some weight."
Christmas Ape linked to this petition earlier in the day, from Patriot fans calling on Roger Goodell to investigate the outcome of the Super Bowl. Yes, because no Boston team can ever lose without it being a cosmic injustice of notable historic significance, this petition has garnered well over 1,000 signatures from Boston-bred douchebags the world over. Let’s have a sample, shall we?
38. Dave Rosenthal I can't believe this isn't a big story. I mean, we should be 19-0, but the NFL hates that Pats, so instead we have to go through this the rest of our lives knowing we got gypped.
91. Bradley Whitaker The referees seemed as though they wanted the Patriots to finally lose.
119. Brandon Lathrop Proven That the game was over after eli was tackled, should have been a patriots win, this was a all set up by the nfl as a conspiracy.
109. Andrew Paterson It is obvious that, whether by accident or intent, the clock was kept in the last 1:40 illegally and in such a way that it cost the New England Patriots a fair chance to win the Super Bowl. This is not bitterness talking, I actually believe the outcome would or could have been different. Please, at the very least an acknowledgement or apolgy, if not your ordering of a replay of the game from that point on, even though I realize how much that is to ask.
105. alex ketabi this must be investigated. this completely proves that the patriots should be super bowl champions
312. Meaghan O'Toole give the patriots their rightful win
968. Daniel Duggan I was orinally signer 47. I have since found my dignity and self respect. I formally withdraw signature 47. Oh and this one too.Please don't count me twice. Don't count me once either. Don't count me at all please. Though we did get ripped off 1:40. That kinda sucked. You know? I mean with that extra time and all, we could have won it. In fact we deserved to win. GOD DAMN. WE WERE CHEATED. We WERE EFFEN CHEATED! THIS SUCKS. THIS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY SUCKS. We should be 19-0 and on top of the world. Man, I hope this petition gets to Mr. Goodell. He can make it right. PLEEEEEASE make this right Roger. Please, Please,Please, Undefeated that's what we should be. Undefeated.
1144. Shamus Hughes Not only was the game clock illegal, there were questionable calls during the pass in which Eli Manning threw that pass downfield, there were 2 holding calls, including a severe one on Adalius Thomas. The fact that the NFL is trying to make the Mannings the faces of the NFL has to stop and they have to realize that its time to start calling fair games, even if the Patriots are playing
194. Erik Frenz I don't know much about the rules of the NFL but as a Patriots fan if this is true I feel cheated. If this is true there should seriously be a replay of the last 1:40 of the Super Bowl. I didn't bet on it myself, but a lot of people lost or gained a lot of money on this game and the real outcome deserves to be known.
193. John Vairo I would like to call out all the hypocritical Giants' fans here. If you think you're so amazing, then why are you so afraid to possibly play another game? According to you, the Super Bowl is more important than any other game. So if you were so "dominant" in this "fixed" game, why are you so afraid to replay 2 minutes of a game or even a whole additional game? You talk so high and mighty like you're the greatest team ever, but then hide in the corner, content with the excuse of "Well, we won. It doesn't matter if it was fixed or not." I strongly encourage the commissioner of the NFL to investigate this matter, because to not, would destroy the integrity of the game, and will make me stop watching the NFL from now on, because it is clearly fixed.
Stunning, isn't it? You wouldn't think that one group of people could reach suchs high levels of both arrogance and insecurity simultaneously. It's the sort of thing anthropologists will study years from now, asking themselves, "How was such douchebaggery enabled in a civilized society?" Alas, I do not know the answer. I wish I did. I really, really do. So we at KSK felt naturally obligated to sign the petition as well. Here were our sentiments.
1116. Obill Bin Cheetin All my internet warriors. Stay in cave. We weather storm together. Camel lick raw butt. We be better in no time.
1186. Tommy This is fackin' bull shit! That dahhhkie Mike Carey rawbbed our man Welkahhhhh of the MVP! AS FAAAAAHHHH AS I'M CONCERNED, WE'AH UNBEATEN!!!!
1183. B-Simm It's not fair! This was supposed to be OUR moment! I had a bag of frozen peas waiting for Tom!
1151. supermike4ever I only started rooting for the Patriots once they started winning Super Bowls. Now I don't know what to do.
1163. Matt Walsh I am filming all of you signing this.
We encourage you to sign it as well. Show these Pats fans that you support them. They need you. BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING LOSERS WHO CANNOT GET OVER ANY SLIGHT THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO THEM, BE IT REAL OR IMAGINARY. We'll post the best ones here. Please note you can sign it many times over!
UPDATE: Here are some good ones:
1152. Teddy Bruschi's Skull Clot I'll be back and so will the.......*thud*
1160. Randy Moss' girlfriend Please let Randy win the Super Bowl! He's going to kill me!
1177. T Kennedy The Er Eh... Pats were er eh robbed.
1181. Bob Hi there. I'm a Pat's fan. I believe that we were robbed. I also believe that having a cock up my ass is very enjoyable.
1184. Victor Kiam Every time I think that the city of Boston can't sink any lower they go and do this-AND TOTALLY REDDEM THEMSELVES!!
1196. Retard Ed McDouche Not only should the NFL investigate this game, but they should review every game from the last 25 years and award every Super Bowl to the Pats. Tom Brady is the one true Messiah and Coach Bellichik should be elected president. This is all the fault of black people. Now I have to go drink whiskey and beat my wife.
1215. Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer Your world frightens and confuses me, when I see a solar eclipse, like the one I went to last year in Hawaii, I think 'Oh no! Is the moon eating the sun?' I don't know. Because I'm a caveman -- that's the way I think. But there is one thing I do know, the Patriots were robbed of their rightful championship
1294. hines ward prease lepray superbewrr. praxico is tarr leceivel but i win superbewrr without him! i hate praxico! he no make me smerre.
UPDATE: Oh noes! They're brought out the Powerpoint presentations! Non-calls, of course, means cheating by the other team!
Easily the worst part of the Super Bowl is the ceaseless stream of predictions that flood the airwaves and clog the intertubes. Everybody has an opinion this time of year, whether they are a professed expert or some guy in your office who's breadth of knowledge comes from what they heard on the easy listening station. Nobody really cares about these predictions, but we recognize everyone's right to offer up an entirely subjective final score. Well now the players themselves are joining in on the fun.
And then, as he entered the stadium and turned left toward the Giants locker room, Burress was asked for his prediction. Burress never hesitated, flatly stating "23-17."
So there you have it, Giants win!
With that issue settled we sat down with Plaxico to hear some of his other insightful predictions. We'll let him tell you what he thinks...
Jaguars rookie safety Reggie Nelson, part of a defensive unit that allowed Tom Brady to complete an NFL record 92.9 percent of his passes Saturday night, dismissively remarked of Brady to reporters after the game, "He ain't all that … He's all right."
What might strike some as smacking of bitterness after being ripped in historic fashion by the league's MVP is actually in keeping with Nelson's tendency of being difficult to impress. Here follows a sampling of some of the best of his blase.
"'I Have a Dream'? Shit. That ain't new. We ALL have dreams."
"The Beatles? Meh. I guess Revolver was okay."
"Water into wine??? What good is wine if the motherfucker ain't going to make some cheese too?"
"3:10 to Yuma was good, if you're into remakes. Which I'm not."
"Why would I want indoor plumbing? The outhouse is holdin' up fine."
"Picasso? A genius? Please. Have you seen that Cubist crap? It's the EXACT SAME THING as Braque!!!"
"Language? Pfft. Whatever. We was doing all right grunting and writing glyphs on the wall."
"Why would I want to convert to Fiat? The gold standard is doing great!"
"Philip Rivers is a dickbag. But he's no Dane Cook."
"Jonas Salk? Pussy. I had polio once. I got my ass out of bed, caught three interceptions and banged a stewardess on the flight home."
"If you ask me A Brief History of Time is an amusing work of harebrained conjecture but ultimately irrelevant."
"Y'all think Amy Winehouse is having a fucked-up time? Shit. I call that 'Tuesday Night.'"
"Sure, the Mariana Trench is deep. But I've met girls with deeper chatches."
"Sir Edmund Hillary was great, yeah. He still died, though, didn't he?"
"The Great Wall of China? What's so great about it? 's just one wall. You can just walk around it. Don't protect you from the rain neither."
[Shown picture of Adriana Lima]
(yawns) "Too old."
"Why's Fibonacci gotta have a whole sequence named after him? That's greedy. I get by okay with just one number."
"'Birth of Venus'"? [makes jerk-off motion with hand]
"You liked No Country for Old Men? Get the fuck out. The ending was stupid!"
"Al-Qaeda? More like Shit Qaeda. They were, what, three of four on 9/11? Hell, Tom Brady had a better completion percentage on Saturday, and we already know he ain't all that."
"Yeah, the Burj Dubai is pretty tall, but I bet you can't get good barbecue there."
Oh Roddy, you are very very stupid. Mike Vick lied about slaughtering a bunch of dogs. Then he sort of admitted it. Then he lied about it again...on a polygraph. The guy plead to jail and that's where he belongs for now. Everybody knows this, even Mike fucking Vick knows this! All of this escaped Roddy, but this is nothing new. You should see the rest of Roddy's opinionated T-shirt collection!
Repeal Free Speech
End Suffrage Now!
George Wallace Was Right
More Land Mines
Give Eugenics a Chance
Cats Rule
Stalin Was Misunderstood
My Other T-Shirt Is Covered In Dog Blood
This Shirt Was Tested On Animals
Fur Is Murder...On My Bankroll
Vote For Pedro Lopez
Nixon '72
Andrea Yates Is My Homegirl
I Donate Dogs to Kill Shelters
Finishing What Barker Started
Imprison Tibet
Roddy, you must realize that Vick is not Nelson Mandela or Rubin Carter. His imprisonment is, you know, justified.
Check out our friend Chris Mottram's take over at his new digs, The Sporting Blogs.
Only one of these beloved dinosaurs is getting boatloads of cash from the NFL & ESPN
Led Zeppelin's transcontinental renaissance kicks into high gear with their reunion concert tonight in London. While over on our side of the ocean, Zeppelin has inked a promotional deal with the NFL and ESPN. Which explains why you heard “Dazed and Confused” in the background on last Monday night while the referees were ass-raping the Ravens' defense with gusto.
When Unsilent Majority heard about Zeppelin's deal he expressed unbridled optimism that this arrangement might lead to to the band playing at half-time of the Super Bowl. Since Maj is the wide-eyed naif of our collective, he doesn't understand that Led Zeppelin doesn't play half-time shows. If anything, the Super Bowl should be played at intermission of a Led Zeppelin show.
The six of us put our heads together to predict what Zep tunes our favorite NFL personalties would request. We know, you're thinking, “great, another crappy list post.” But it was either this or I break out my theramin while Drew dons his unbuttoned half-shirt ala Robert Plant. NOW CRANK IT UP, FUCKERS!!!
Minnesota Vikings ______________________ Going to California
Trent Green _______________________ Dazed and Confused
Bill Belichick _____________________________ No Quarter
Travis Henry _______________________________ Moby Dick
Jason Campbell's mom _________________ Black Country Woman
Sterling Sharpe /John Madden _________________ Ramble On
Devin Hester _______________________ How Many More Times
Bart Scott _________________ Nobody's Everyone's Fault But Mine
Andre Gurode _____________________ Trampled Under Foot
Albert Haynesworth ______ Bron-Y-Aur Stomp (Ha-Y-Nes Worth Stomp?)
Cam Cameron ________________________ The (Cleo) Lemon Song
Vinny Testeverde _______________________ Achilles Last Stand
Jeff Garcia ________________________ In Through the Out Door
New Orleans Saints _________________ When the Levee Breaks (ouch)
Tony Romo's Mom ________________________ Living Loving Maid
Gene Upshaw _________ Black Dog (submitted by Bryant Gumbel)
Michael Irvin ________________________ Hats Off to (Alvin) Harper
Kurt Warner ___________________________ Houses of the Holy
Earl Campbell _________________________ Wearing and Tearing
Kevin Kolb __________________________ Your Time Is Gonna Come
Aikman appears to have a large faggot on his back. Hmmmm......
Usually, this is the part where we invite the commenters to add their own suggestions. But we have already RAWKED THEIR FACES OFF !!!! (Makes metal fingers \m/ \m/ bangs head).
I’m new to this whole “Save Our Planet” movement. When NBC tossed a green peacock logo on their SNF broadcast a while back, I thought I had entered some fabulous new time-warp dimension where NFL football is played on St. Patrick’s Day. I then went to a bar, got drunk, called the barmaid a no-good whore, and then broke my hand after getting into a fight with the digital jukebox because it only had one song available from my favorite Pogues album. Fucking digital jukebox. It had it coming. Offer the whole fucking album, you fuck!
Turns out, I had it all wrong. No, the whole green logo thing was part of NBC’s token effort to pretend it cared about global warming (or “climate change”, if you’re willing to let yourself be brainwashed by purposely contagious think tank marketing phrases). Now, as you know, global warming is quite a serious issue. If we don’t do something soon, half of India could be displaced 50 years from now. Which I guess is a problem. Of sorts. And half of Florida would be gone! Which, again, is kind of a tragedy. I guess. I sure would hate to lose all those Sonic restaurants. And prostitutes-turned-serial-killers.
But fear not. We at KSK are charging to the forefront of this issue. Yes, we are football fans. But we are also EARTH fans as well. After all, football is played on Earth. And beer is made on Earth. So I suppose Earth has a small role in this whole wacky enterprise. We’ve already begun taking great pains to help save the world. I’ve attached a turbine to my right hand in order to harness the energy generated from my furious sessions masturbating at home. Already, I’ve powered two schools in Montgomery County for the past month solely using my patented EcoBating system. Enjoy your history class, children. You’ll be reading about the heroics of my cock any day now.
I also recycle all my cans and bottles. Unless the county makes me rinse them before doing so. That’s a pain in the ass. Unsilent Majority is already designing a Chevy Avalanche that runs on hemp oil. And Ufford had a few ideas about this issue as well. Unfortunately, he took the entire year off because he served in the military a while back.
So we’re doing our part. But we’re only six men. Six cowardly men who are far too lazy to do anything truly impactful in this arena. So we decided to get together and do what any smart environmental crusader does: Bitch at other people to do something about it for us.
Yes, that means you, Roger Goodell. You’ve been flying around in private planes and asking for fines to be paid in pure whale blubber for far too long. It’s time for YOU to take action, sir. You run the most powerful sports league in the nation. You have the power to make something good happen. Or, at the very least, to say you’re doing something about it so people will leave you the fuck alone. That’s why we suggest adopting the following league-wide measures to help DEFEND OUR GREEN ZONE!
-Corey Ivy replaced by Poison Ivy
-Follow Chargers lead and only use recycled coaches
-Instead of pads, old gym mats
-Tampa Two reduced to Tampa One so as to be less wasteful
-Run and Gun changed to Run & Frisbee
-High Occupancy beer line for patrons over 350 lbs.
-Replay booths only show An Inconvenient Truth
-Relocate displaced polar bears to Joey Porter's house
-Vick-tailored all-hemp uniforms
-Ball made out of discarded foreskin
-Require Packers to ride bikes not just at training camp, but all goddamn year long
-Install hydroelectric dam at base of Peter King's santorum-leaking colon
-Spend $100,000 in energy costs converting Fieldturf fields back to real grass
-Allow angry mob to finally murder William Clay Ford
-Replace Kyoto Treaty with Kyoto Oklahoma Drill. Treaties are for homos
-All corn-based performance enhancing drugs no longer banned
-Hot dog wrapper doubles as catheter bag
-MRI's replaced with a physical exam by Dr. Nick
-New hybrid Pats/Sox/Celts fan runs almost exclusively on vinegar-based fuel
-Replenish lost landmasses with dirt from canisters collected by Steve Young from various NFL stadia throughout his career
-Plastic kicking tees to be replaced with small mound of, like, dirt and stuff
-New helmet to be made entirely of recycled Starbucks drink sleeves
-All pregame speeches to include mandatory 90-minute PowerPoint presentation on why the Antarctic peninsula is so significant in this fight
-Two words: Cleveland Greens
-Throwback Oilers jerseys must be splattered with red paint, as long as it's not lead-based
-Tailgate grills replaced with tailgate gazpacho barrel
-Scouting combine to feature only Free Range athletes
-Replays from Jumbotron replaced by play re-enactments from local pantomime group
-All prime-time games to be played in the reflection of Bradshaw’s bald spot
-Spokesman Don Cheadle fired, replaced with Captain Planet
-Goodell replaced with Lorax
-Pre-commercial FOX robots to be replaced with dirty white people wearing dreadlocks
-Blue Angels replaced by loud pigeons
-Team planes replaced by Hannibal's elephants
-Fans required to hold solar panels in lieu of signs
-Dan Snyder to scale back tree-cutting operations at home by .0005%
-Najeh Davenport to offer lecture series on laundry hamper composting
-Old: New York Jets. New: New York Hot-Air Balloons
-NFL Shield made by indigenous population out of native materials
-Follow Joe Gibbs’ lead and replace coaches headsets with tin can and string
-Steel Curtain Defense retrofitted to be Switchgrass Curtain Defense
-Teams required to interview vegans for head coaching positions
-Heinz Field turf now 100 percent compost
-Travis Henry must decrease carbon footprint, bastard kids
-Marvin Harrison and all dolphins set free
-Ray Lewis no longer allowed to murder people with Hamilton Beach electric knife
-All teams required to rub living statue Al Gore for good luck prior to game
-Ozone-killing Wade Philips emissions cut by 50%
-Chicago Bears allowed to roam free, gnaw on remains of Timothy Treadwell
I hope you're listening, Goodell. Our very future as a beer-swilling, gay-taunting species hinges on what you do next. Don't let us down. This is our home. It's all we've got. Let's protect it for future generations to enjoy. Unless the Pats go 19-0. In which case, you may as well let the whole fucking place burn.
