Cosplay Showdown: Tom of Finland Wet Dream vs. Hunched Over Colonial Williamsburg Employee. WHO YA GOT?

This Sunday's game is billed as the last the Patriots have a legitimate shot at losing, even though they're 10 1/2 point favorites and still have dried Tony Kornheiser spooge stains on their jerseys from last Monday. But in terms of gay mascots, Pat the prone Patriot may have finally met his match. Steely McBeam has been sculpting his pubic hair for months. He says there are some interesting topiaries down there. WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Steely McBeam____________Pat Patriot

Start a War, Start a Nuclear War

At the gay bar_______________gay bar GAY BAR

Guarantee

Happy ending___________Demonstration of 18th-century happy ending

Shameful Secret

Only around football for the dudes__Actually George Steinbrenner

Liabilities

Lovers thrown off by skin-colored shirt____Makes disappointing town crier

History

Hopefully none beyond this season___Don't ask Pats fans, they didn't like the team before 2001

Common greeting

Heyyyyy_________________Heyyyyyeth

Finishing move

Runs away to North Carolina with Bill Cowher____Shows Randy Moss an even gayer TD celebration than his current one.

P.S. -- Fuck off, David Fleming and King Kaufman. You too, PK.
NNNNNNOOOOOO, the urtard picked the Steelers, too.

Steely McLovin Is An Organ Donor

I went to the Steelers/Redskins game Saturday with the D.C. contingent of that disparate collective that is Steelers fandom at the fetid and unwieldly hovel that is FedEx Field. Despite having our group mooned by a 'Skins fan in a Randle El jersey, being feet away from two 'Skins fans getting into a fist fight and still not getting ejected (said another of the Raljon, Md. faithful: "We just like to scrap.") we lucked out that we didn't have to deal with the Dead Tree Crew and, even more fortuitously, we didn't see Steely motherfucking McBeam.

We would have torn him to yellow, simpering ribbons.

KSK Photoshoppeur Dan V. apparently finds amusement rather than thoughts of malevolence in the five o'clock shadowy, swishy figure that is Steely. In a series of pics that's bound to ruin my season unless the Steelers win the Super Bowl, he draws back the sallow, lacy curtain on the seedy doings of Mr. McBeam.





Did you know that Steely is Karl Rove's father?

This offseason was much more pleasant when its gayest subplot was Brady Quinn being pictured in the most compromising ways imaginable. It seems these actions only served to sow the seeds of Steely. You've inspired a monster, Brady.

It's a contagion that's sweeping the AFC North entire, even causing sworn enemies to act out in bizarre, unsettling ways.

Oh. God. No.

Where You Been? Whole Steel Industry's Been Gay For Years

Steelers fans,

What the fuck are you trying to do to me? Okay, it's not your fault the franchise saw fit to introduce some wholly unnecessary mascot to commemorate the team's 75th anniversary, as opposed to, say, some goddamn cheerleaders. But given the chance to submit names for the Bruce Campbell doppelganger, the best 70,000 of you assholes could come up with was Steely McBeam.

Steely McFuckingBeam. See that "fucking" in there, it's called a tmesis. I'm pointing that out to you because I'm going to try to impart a few facts in each post from now on because YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY SO GODDAMN STUPID. WHY AM I CONSTANTLY DEFENDING YOU FROM UFFORD?!

Seriously, do we really need to name the mascot the way an 8-year-old names his hermit crab?

"Look, ma! It's Pinchy McShell!"

"Look, it's Hermie McCrab!"

Fuck. You.