Thursday, October 4, 2007

Jon Jeebus vs. Joe Jeebus. WHO YA GOT?

Praise be! The Lord's favored football disciples are rewarded by being on winning teams. Tony Dungy's Colts are 4-0, Shaun Alexander's C-Hox are 3-1, and facing off this week are Jon Kitna's surprising 3-1 Lions and Joe Gibbs' 2-1 godless sun worshipers. Of course, God's linebacker, Ray Lewis, is holding everybody back with the Ravens' disappointing 2-2 start, but he's been known to stray from time to time, anyway. Jesus' love is on the line. WHO YA GOT?


Jon Kitna_________________Joe Gibbs


Healing God ________________Vengeful God

Worshiped blindly by

Peter King_____________Fatuous Redskins fans

Alternative career

Project Mayhem participant____________NASCAR team owner

Sinister force pulling the strings

Matt Millen_________________Dan Snyder

Goals for season

Win 10 games______give Brandon Lloyd that old time religion


Piece of the true cross___________Understanding of game as it was played in Biblical times

Finishing move



MDZ said...

Coach Gibbs' vengeful god will annihilate Shop Class Kitna's pussy god.

The Last Unitard said...

The amazing thing about Kitna is he still believes in God despite that terrible hairline he was blessed with.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Roy Williams vs. Carlos Rogers? There is no god for Maj.

Lions by 10.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Is it Jamboroo time yet?

Pemulis said...

I've got to decide which QB to start this week in my fantasy league - Drew Brees or Kitna... every ounce of my being is saying Kitna, but some gay sentimental part of me thinks brees will magically stop sucking... is washington's D any good?

Big Daddy Drew said...

Start Kitna, dummy.

Pemulis said...

i think i needed to hear that

Ruthless Gravity said...

Matt Millen vs. Dan theres a battle of epic fuck-up proportions

jackin'4beats said...

Dan Snyder is like if Jerry Jones was stuck in a loop of the 1989 season...ala Groundhog Day. That's how smart he is.

Da Lions...even though Millen will probably trade Roy Williams for Keenen McCardell at some point to even up the odds.

Bucktown Skins Fan said...

Gibbs' God is funded by Six Flags and Johnny Rockets. Kitna's God is funded by Ford.

If you want to go work a 12 hour shift on an assembly line installing brake pads, you can go with Matt Millen to Detroit.

But if you want a cheeseburger with fries and a milkshake after we ride the roller coasters, you can ride with the Hogettes. They'll let you smoke cigars in the car


Big Daddy Drew said...

But if there's a God, why are the Patriots doing well? They were caught carving graven images!

gone said...

Wow, The Simpsons really did do it.

Bucktown Skins Fan said...

@ BDD:

I'm a glass full kind of guy myself.

So instead of looking at the Pats success as a detriment to the belief in God, I try to look at it as proof positive that the Devil exists.

How else did Bill Belichek get away with no suspension, Moss get miraculously healed of his apathy and Brady continues to nail a Brazilian super model? That must have been one hefty contract they signed with old Beelzebub.

Upstate Underdog said...

@Pemulis, I'd take my chances with Kitna.

the great bambi said...

I must refer you, big daddy drew, to the book of Job, where God took his most faithful worshiper and let the devil fuck up his whole life to prove Job would still worship Him. After Job did, God rewarded him with even more than he had before. So, God is letting the Patriots torment us like this, but it shall all end soon when Tom Brady loses both knees and his right shoulder to an eager lineman hoping to claim a little extra on that $30 bounty, Randy Moss tries to run over another traffic cop only to realize he's in Boston where they hate black people and he's promptly shot, Rodney Harrison tears every tendon in his body weakened from HGH/steroids use, and Bill Belichik gets herpes, ciphylis, gonorrhea, and AIDS from his latest cougar hunting expedition. Praise be to God

jackin'4beats said...

Amen to that bambi.