Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Kevin Everett Meast of the Week -- Week 6: Just Keepin' It Real, Yo

This week's Kevin Everett update is the best one yet: the Bills tight end with the broken neck is now walking on his own.

Allow me to rephrase that: HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. To recap, this is what doctors predicted:

And this is what's going on:

Yeah yeah yeah, the doctors get some credit too, but there is no denying that Kevin Everett is about as measty as a human being can be. Stay tuned for next week's Everett update, in which he does one-armed push-ups and satisfies a nurse and a candy striper simultaneously.

There was plenty of meastiness around the rest of the NFL this week, to the point that we actually felt the need to recognize several of the individual efforts we witnessed.

Third runner-up is Marion Barber, whose two-yard, two-point-saving run is reminiscent of Barry Sanders -- if Barry ran over people instead of around them:

Second runner-up: Devin Hester. With two 80-yard-plus scores, Hester reiterated that (a) all offensive plays should be designed to get him the ball until Cedric Benson can get more than two yards a carry, and (b) any special teams coach who elects to kick to him is interested in working elsewhere next year.

Our first runner-up is vintage 2006 LaDainian Tomlinson, who torched the Raiders for 198 yards and all four Chargers touchdowns. Fun fact: Dan Shanoff has LT2/LDT in our Yahoo! fantasy league, and he still lost.

Predictably, here's this week's Meast:

We needn't go over numbers or game impact here; however, I feel compelled to respond to Michael David Smith's missive (or should I say dismissive?) that asked Is Adrian Peterson Overrated?

Now, I craft my responses to fellow bloggers carefully. The person known as "Matt Ufford" is a surprisingly affable sort who rarely, if ever, publishes a negative response to a neighbor in the blogorhood.

Captain Caveman, however, is a real asshole.

And as Captain Caveman, on behalf of the KSK Gay Mafia, I can say, "Hey, MDS. Slate called. They were looking for a contrarian poindexter to stir up pointless debate." And so we respond to the Tim Duncan of blogging, FanHouse's blandly efficient MVP, thusly: No, Adrian Peterson is not overrated. He's really fucking good. He's called PURPLE JESUS for a reason.

You godless heathen.


flubby said...

Fun fact: Dan Shanoff has LT2/LDT in our Yahoo! fantasy league, and he still lost...

to flub!!!

/dislocates shoulder patting self on back

twoeightnine said...

Hat-Tip: ProFootballTalk

Michael David Smith said...

You took the words right out of my mouth, twoeightnine.

And I love "The Tim Duncan of blogging." I'm putting that on my business cards. If I ever print business cards, that is.

Anonymous said...

I agree that Purple Jesus is number one but Marion Barber should be #2. Cause he clearly has like the stiffarm of justice. Just watch that video he just touches guys and they drop to their knees. Maybe he has a cross carved into that left hand.

Ruthless Gravity said...

"he just touches guys and they drop to their knees"

Brady Quinn has the same ability, but his only works off the field.

Stephen said...

Shanoff starts Ted Ginn Jr? Seriously? Did he really draft him or is there a BUST position that everyone needs to fill in that league?

the great bambi said...

Shanoff must think that you get bonus points for runs that get your QB knocked the fuck out trying to block for you

The Lord Humongous said...

Re: KEverett--damn. I would make a John From Cincinnati reference but I think everybody (correctly) ignored that shit when it was on. Anyway, Kev has a better chance of playing football than half that cast has of acting again.

naptown drew said...

The dude I was up against this week in FFL had LT2 and Purple Jesus.

I would like to face rape him with a blowtorch.

Trader Rick said...

I couldn't help but feel bad for Sean Taylor dropping those two interceptions. Had he made at least one of them to go along with the two he did have against the Packers, the original Meast would have deserved serious consideration.

J. Ro said...

I think I may have played Naptown Drew in fantasy football.

DP said...

hahahahah, that picture of peterson as Jesus is classic. Absolutely love it.

Ken Dynamo said...

you say meastful run, i say shitty arm tackling. i hope belichick made the defense run suicides until they all threw up today. and then made the offense work out until the puke too, because fuck the cowboys.

SDW said...

Nomination: Mike Shanahan. For failing to allow the Broncos to lose this past weekend.

Oh, they were on a bye? Hmm.

I guess everything can be explained. God, we suck.

Robocats said...

I'm going to just point out that if Marion Barber had gone the fuck down (as opposed to backwards) sooner, he wouldn't have needed to depend on the Patriots shitty tackling and one good stiff arm.

rar288 said...

If AP is Purple Jesus, Devin Hester is Blue Holy One. Too bad that isn't the name of a mixed alcoholic beverage like Purple Jesus is.

Seriously though, Hester is the only thing keeping my team (Bears) from being the worst team in the NFL this side of Miami.

Unknown said...

"I'm going to just point out that if Marion Barber had gone the fuck down (as opposed to backwards) sooner, he wouldn't have needed to depend on the Patriots shitty tackling and one good stiff arm."
And Flozell Adams tackling Rodney Harrison while Barber was in the end zone, but hey.