Monday, October 15, 2007

S--t! You All Have to Hide! Hurry!

Wade: Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Everyone! Everyone! Listen up! I just saw Mr. Jones’ car coming down the freeway. You gotta hide! Everyone, everyone, please hurry up and find a good hiding spot.

Jennifer: But where will you hide, Coach Philips?

Wade: Don’t worry, Jennifer. I am the head coach here. I will handle Mr. Jones myself.

Jennifer: Are you out of your fucking mind? You haven’t seen him after a loss. I’ve been Mr. Jones’ assistant for over five years. Please, Coach, don’t do that to yourself.

Wade: Shit. Well, all right. I guess I’ll find a spot for myself as well.

Jennifer: You sure it was his car?

Wade: It was a white El Dorado with a gold grill and longhorn hood ornament. It was also going 200. Isn’t that his car?

Jennifer: Oh, yeah. That’s his car.

Wade: Then we don’t have much time.

(tries hiding in cardboard box)

Wade: Fuck. This won’t work.

(tries hiding behind houseplant)

Wade: Fuck. This won’t work either.

(tries hiding in shitter. All five stalls are occupied)

Wade: Fuck. I’m just gonna have to hide under the reception desk.

(jumps under reception desk)

Wade: Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in…

(Doors fly open)


Wade: Shit.

Jones: Wait a second. Where is everybody? Are you hidin’ in here, Fatboy? REAL COWBOYS DON’T HIDE, YOU BIG FAT SHITPIE!

Wade: Just keep quiet, Wade. He’s bound to calm down at some point.

Jones: You really think you can hide from me, Fattykins? I BUILT THIS GODDAMN FACILITY! Matter of fact, I don’t even have to look. All I gotta do to follow the smell!

Wade: Uh-oh.

Jones: What sweet, sweet treat are you hidin’ in your big fat folds this week? Huh, Meringue Boy? (sniffs) Oh, ol’ Double-J definitely smells himself some CHOCOLATE! Isn’t that right, Chumbawumba?

Wade: Shit.

Jones: I definitely smell a little caramel, too! Oh, it’s gonna be too easy to find your fat ass. Are you havin’ fun yet, Fatty? ‘CAUSE I’M HAVIN’ A GAY OL’ TIME HUNTIN’ YOUR FAT ASS DOWN! Chocolate nougat? Crisped rice? It can only mean one thing…

Wade: Uh oh…


Wade: Sir, I can explain.

Jones: The only thing you need to explain to me is how you figured I wouldn’t find your 500-lb. ass hiding under a goddamn desk. There’s nothing on earth that conceal those huge tits of yours, Buffet Boy!

Wade: Sir, you’re being very hurtful.

Jones: Hurtful? HURTFUL?! I’ll tell you what’s hurtful, douchedrinker: watching my boy ROMO get outshined by some two-bit Cali gayboy because your fat ass can’t design a defense!

Wade: We had a very good plan in place.

Jones: Oh, you did? Would that be the “Let them score 48 points while I eat an entire box of bonbons” plan? Because that worked to perfection, Tubby! I wanna show you something.

(Enter Jason Garrett)

Constance Fry
Constance Fry
Anytime you call…
Constance would fulfill your needs
Winter, spring, or fall…

Jones: That is a gorgeous song!

Garrett: Do you like it? I learned it in my acappella group. I’m assuming the portly fellow over here assumes that’s some sort of veal dish.

Jones: You see how educated my boy GARRETT is, Admiral Fat? He could have found a way to shut that Brady fucker down!

Garrett: Hmm. Yes. Indeed. A pity such a nice offensive performance was wasted on your slothful nicompoopery.

Wade: This loss is something we all share responsibility for.

Jones: I don’t think so, Meatpile. No, I’m gonna blame this one squarely on YOU. You better figure out a way to beat those Patriots in January. Otherwise, I’m givin’ Paul Anka over here your goddamn job!

Garrett: Oh, why not put the sad fat man out of his misery now, Jerry? Surely, he would be relieved to retire to a life eating Fruity Pebbles straight of the box.

Jones: Because I wanna see the fat man sweat a little, Jason. A little more than usual, I should say. That boy sweats more than a Coke bottle in 100 degree heat! Get your shit in line, Philips. AND START FUCKIN’ WINNIN’ GAMES FOR THE DOUBLE-J!!!

Wade: I gotta quit.


Special thanks to Dan V.


Ben said...

I've been waiting for this all day. Fantastic Trading Places reference.

Upstate Underdog said...

Got to love Garrett's douchy "I'm better than you" Ivy League tone and now i want a 100 Grand bar.

Unsilent Majority said...

Zeta Chi bastards

MyBoysAreMyLife said...
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MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Jason Garrett scares the shit out of me. Just look into those soulless eyes, and that maniacal serial killer smile and tell me that doesn't constitute nightmare fuel.

Tracer Bullet said...

Again, why the hell is Guy Gardener working as the Cowboys offensive coordinator?

T Dizzle said...

God I knew this one was coming. It dawned on me we would see this after about the third quarter last night

Captain Caveman said...

Seriously, though: 100 Grand is a delicious candy bar.

Slash said...

"That boy sweats more than a Coke bottle in 100 degree heat!"

Classic. I actually did feel for Wade yesterday. He's got his headphones on, looking all grim and chubby. Grim and chubby are not a good combo.

Anonymous said...


Well put. Fat men are only allowed to be jolly or enraged.

My Insignificant Life said...

Watching Jerry pace the sidelines behind Wade seemed to make Wade all flustered and all but wet his pants. I swear I saw steam coming from Jerry's head (just like in the pic) and he was thinking up some good shit to discuss with Wade come Monday morning. Then, with the son of satan calling plays - sheesh, no wonder Wade was sweating like that bottle of Coke.

But -- outshined by some two-bit Cali gayboy -- sums their game up quite well.

Unsilent Majority said...

you know what goes well with a 100 Grand bar? Penthouse Forum and a pack of gum.

Unsilent Majority said...

...or was that a clark bar?

Ryan H. said...

LOL @ Guy Gardner comment.
One punch!

SlideShow Bob said...

Please dont leave it to the Giants in week 17 to stop the Pats from going 16-0, i dont think Eli has it in him to stop the "two-bit Cali gayboy"

Pemulis said...

don't worry the jets will stop... them... the next.... fuck i can't even finish that sentence and lie to myself anymore. i need a hundred grand bar to cheer myself up. or maybe a whatchamacallit

JAMMQ said...
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JAMMQ said...

Ki-yip-pee-yi, (clap clap clap clap) Deep in the heart of Texas

Wormfather said...

Why did I think I'd be the only one to get the trading places reference? Well that's all I had for a comment so fuck you BEN!

Good Day!

mamacita said...

There is no nougat in a 100 Grand bar. It's chocolate, crisped rice and caramel. Some fat boy you are.

And I think I would have done a better job coaching that last quarter.

Spud Randall said...

Anyone else feel like they really know W&J?

Spud Randall said...

& Ookie

Weed Against Speed said...
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Weed Against Speed said...

Unsilent - it was a Clark Bar. The 100 Grand bar was from when they were at the car dealership.

"Twix is the only candy bar with the cookie crunch!"

smurphette said...

Jason Garrett has rapist eyes. And the Colts might have a little something to say about the Pats going 16-0.

jackin'4beats said...

I picture Jerry Jones looking like this after last night's game.

ben said...

<--Not the other ben, but also loved the Trading Places reference. Creepy.

The other day I drafted Channing Frye in my NBA fantasy league (no, you bastards, not all my friends are white) and immediately half of us burst into song. The other half of the room looked really disturbed.

JTExperience said...


Coming from an Arkansas native, that was the goddamned funniest thing I've seen all week.

Unknown said...

I believe a bowl of fruity pebbles would hit the spot this morning.

Thanks for the suggestion.

Wormfather said...


"Dear sweet brotha Numpsy"

I would like to add...

"I-I-Iiiiiiiiii waaaaant the kniiiiiiiiiiiiiife."

jackin'4beats said...


Group 5 said...

Yak loin- good to keep the yang up.

Although, I don't need the yak loin with Charlotte Lewis in that movie...

CW said...

Wade and Jerry... my favorite sports post of the week, every week.


"...ain't nothin' wrong with my yang..." Classic line.

Unknown said...

Again, Jerry is the exact spitting image of Larrity on "Code Monkeys" down to the yeeehhhaaaaawww.

Rant_Casey said...

@ Smurphette

The colts will have a little something to say about the Pats going 16-0 alright. They'll have 1/16th of the credit.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

BDD using "ugh" in a tag... Is that still the sports gal talking? I demand a "OMG" tag!