Monday, October 8, 2007

Trent Green's Signature Rollout

Our thoughts and prayers go out to quarterback Trent Green today as he recovers from a hit where his head collided with the knee of Travis Jackson, whom Green was attempting to impede. Hopefully this won't be...wait, what's that? He's alright? Well, fuck him then.

No, seriously. FUCK. HIM. That guy is ALWAYS pulling this shit. What the fuck? If he's alright, why was he laying down there for so damn long? Was he trying to get the Texans a red card? Is that why they brought the stretcher out, like they do in the World Cup? Did he push his Life Alert while waiting for his wheels to roll in? Or was he just worn out from playing with his grandkids all weekend.

I only have one living set of grandparents. Of course, the ones I actually liked, my mom's parents, had to go and get cancer on me. The other two, on my dad's side, are titanium-coated and virtually indestructible. They could fall out a helicopter into a burning elementary school in Compton and not get so much as a collapsed vein. Fuck, life really isn't fair sometimes.

With that, it seemed a bit ironic when, after the smoke cleared, it was Green who was left in a heap. Poetic justice, I'd say. And, I suspect, Mr. Johnson said as much to his would-be assailant as he strolled over Trent's motionless body, en route to some well-earned sideline refreshment.

And don't even talk to me about that block that Green was allegedly executing on Johnson. That "block" was bullshit. You don't put your hat under a guy's knee like that without realizing that you could put him on the shelf for good. You're gonna take away a man's livelihood for a 4-yard gain? Easy for you. You already made your millions while you were warming the bench for Kurt Warner.

I would love to give Travistar full credit for totally ruining dude's shit without even using the upper half of his body, but it's Trent Fucking Green, man. The guy is so careless with his own safety, taking him out is like knocking over the 7-pin. A very old 7-pin that throws an open-field block like a manhole cover.

So, yeah, it looks like Trent is trying to take a shit on Johnson's foot, but you can see the knee hyper-extend before Travistar goes ass-over-tincup. Seriously Trav, how did that hit not end your career?

preach on, Travistar

"My knee ain't never hurt like it hurt today. If you want to hit me, hit me in my head, hit me in my chest, don't hit me in my knee. I'm trying to eat just like everybody else. So, to hit me like that, that showed me what type of man he was."

That is to say, no man at all. Indeed. Preach on, my brother.

preach on, Travistar

"The bottom line is, it was a malicious hit. It was uncalled for. He's like the scarecrow. He wants to get courage while I wasn't looking, and hit me in my knee instead of trying to hit me in my head.

"God don't like ugly, you know what I mean?"

I couldn't put it any better. Trent Green, truly, be ugly.

Unfortunately, 88.726% of all football fans are of the dipshit, quarterback-centric set, which will only further spread the interpretation of the play as Johnson being unsportsmanlike. You thought that was unsportsmanlike? FUCK YOU. You think I'm shelling out a hundred bucks every month on four days of programming to see 300-pound black people shake hands?!?! What kind of sportsman doesn't celebrate a clean kill, especially when his own livelyhood hung in the balance? Fuck, it's not like he used any props or anything.

Trent, you are such a little bitch. You pulled this same fucking stunt in Week One last year, when Geathers laid your loafer-loving ass out on the lawn, when you thought you were gonna get cute and slide for another first down, despite being only a elephant's pube away from the sideline. How did your little attempt at dodging contact work out there?

Ha ha! Can't touch me--CRACK!

Get up Trent! One more round! Learn the rules, asshole. You CAN step out of bounds! Try it sometime, while you're still alive!

And then we had to listen all week about what a dirty player Robert Geathers was (fucking shit, even this video was labeled "Cheap Shot..."). AND even when the League decided the actions leading up to the hit didn't warrant a fine, I still had to listen to all you assholes who ONLY SAW THE CLIP OUT OF CONTEXT act like you knew something and mutter, "It still looked dirty to me," as if you could tell Dannon from dog shit. Fuckhead.

And this very same fuckhead faction is going to follow Olbermann's lead and crucify Travis Johnson, despite the fact that, had his role been reversed with Green's, he would have taken a 15-yard contact-below-the-knee penalty, and probably objected an ejection. Yeah, maybe I'm crazy for wanting to paint Travistar as the victim here over the poor white quarterback that ALWAYS finds a way to get hurt, but that asshole has every rule in the game designed to ensure his success (and safety), so I'm less than inclined to cut him any more slack.

Johnson's only crime was being excited that Green's pisspoor blocking skill didn't end his career. Fuck forbid he have the audacity to be upset at anyone that had shown such disregard, or that he be demonstrative when such a maneuver backfires on the agressor. Trav's knee won that matchup fair and square. And besides, If Trent's head was any stronger than a fucking chandelier, it almost certainly would have been Travistar getting carted off the field.

And would Green have taunted him? No, because Green's a pussy.


Dewey said...

"Johnson's only crime was being excited that Green's pisspoor blocking skill didn't end his career."


twoeightnine said...

Objected or ejected?

PUNTE said...

That's fixed. NOW GO TO BED!

twoeightnine said...

Why would I go to sleep now? I wouldn't be able to sleep in until noon.

geek19 said...

you ask me, he deserved to get his ass carted off the field. if youre a lineman and you pull a shitty chopblock, there's like 5 flags thrown. but if youre the lame ass-quarterback, well, then you get a stretcher to help you off the field.

on another note, why couldnt this have been brady?

twoeightnine said...

Travis just gave the best interview... "I had respect for Trent Green at 12:00. At 12:20, FUCK Trent Green."

Robocats said...

Why does everything involve picking sides? Can't I think that they're both pricks?

Incidentally, I was a lot more against Travis BEFORE that Keith Olberman thing.

PUNTE said...

Why does everything involve picking sides? Can't I think that they're both pricks?

Dude, you don't have to please me with your opinion. I'm not your wife.

JAMMQ said...

Anyone who throws a chopblock should die in hell.

casserolemistake said...

Trent Green shouldn't have tried a Bledsoe block without having Drew's fat head or ass. Travis Johnson's a gimp himself, so he probably wasn't taunting so much as thinking he was in an injury game of tag and screamed "you're it." Big fucking deal.

So now the starting QBs for the AFC East are now:
Tom Brady
Trent Edwards
Cleo Lemon
and somehow, someway, Chad Pennington

Jesus, what are we the new NFC North?

Unknown said...

for the record, that wasnt a chop block. a chop block needs someone blocking up high and a second person to then dive at his knees. this was a perfectly legal chance for a jackass to place his head in front of a moving train.

JAMMQ said...

for the record, that wasnt a chop block, a chop block needs someone blocking up high and a second person to then dive at his knees . . .

Now I know why Caveman and Punter hate commenters.

Revised comment: Any dickwad who goes after someone else's knees deserves to burn in hell.

Unless it's Brady's knees, of course.

Sh!tShow said...

Awesome, MMP. Fucking Awesome.

I was saying the same goddam thing yesterday at the bar, and people looked at me like I fucked their


Verdant Earl said...

Travis was just keeping it real.

And I fucking hate that expression!

Ethan Stanislawski said...

This is why Keith Olbermann was better off when he left Sportcenter. An inch and a half of a difference and we'd be talking about Matt Leinart while Jackson's put on the IR, cut the next year and has to use a walker at age 35. Good for him.

PUNTE said...

@jammq: Edits all around.

Don said...

Why not Favre?

Oh, because he goes down like a $20 whore when there's the potential for contact.

john said...


Vee said...

100% agreeance. It fucking kills me when the pussy media types and dipshit fans insist that QB's be handled with the kiddie gloves. If your ass is on the field, you vulnerable to get knocked around a bit too.

I suppose if Trent Green was struck by lightning the ref's woulda flagged Zeus for 15 yards.

Moof! said...

This could have happened to any quarterback in the league and I still would have giggled my motherfucking ass off.


Anonymous said...

Fuck yea! I totally agree. Football is being totally pussified by all these media types and cunt hair fans trying to protect players. What they need to fucking do is bring back the spear tackle, the hook tackle, nailing the QB after he's throw the ball, hitting dudes out of bounds, and chop blocking. Wait, what were we talking about again?

Oh yea, Trent Green's a pussy!

Rocco Door said...

I was thinking during that Olberman bit "God, this guy is a douche. Doesn't he know anything about football?" That bit made me more upset than Green being a pussy.

Slash said...

I wish I had thought to get titanium coating for my likable grandparents. I do hate it when the relatives you actually like go and die on you, leaving the old, bitter unpleasant ones to sit around and bitch that you never visit. You'd think they'd put 2 and 2 together there, but apparently not.

jackin'4beats said...

I agree MMP, Trent Green went out like a bitch and I have no sympathy for his non-blocking ass going after a D Lineman's knees. He's lucky he got carted off the field because I think the Texans would have taken him out anyway, bounty or no bounty.

Travistar definitely didn't give a shit, it's just too bad his coaches made him apologize for what he did on the field?

John said...

Bravo! Bravo!

Ben N. said...

Shit. I'm just glad someone said it.

I don't play basketball with a bad knee because I know I'm prone to injury. Anyone who knows they are prone to concussions, plays football, and lead blocks with their head should be castrated on general principle for bringing down the quality of the game.

So how many more concussions does Reggie Ray have?

brick. said...

Green got what he deserved. Tries to end a guys career, so his is (should?) be over now.

Karma is a F'n Bitch

Seamus Furr said...

This is a shame for the Dolphins. Giving Green the snaps was working wonders for the franchise.

Seriously, what's the fucking point of leaving two young QBs on the bench when you're 0-5?

Anonymous said...

They play football in Miami? No shit. Well either way I dont give a fuck.

twoeightnine said...

I love Trent's newest excuse, "He's 300 pounds, I'm 200 pounds. What else was I supposed to do?"

WHAT THE FUCK? This ain't Pop Warner football where you're on a team according to your weight. Mommy, don't let the big, fat man get me!

Anonymous said...

Furthermore don't think this long winded article will get you out of writing something funny today fuckers. I need to entertained. Entertain me monkeys!

Brando said...

Fuck yea! I totally agree. Football is being totally pussified by all these media types and cunt hair fans trying to protect players. What they need to fucking do is bring back the spear tackle, the hook tackle, nailing the QB after he's throw the ball, hitting dudes out of bounds, and chop blocking.

I also think the ambulance should run over players when it comes on the field.

allie said...

is travis johnson actually asking to be hit in the head? because that's what it sounds like to me.

unfortunately, his rambling, barely coherent comments about god and the wizard of oz are the only thing anyone will ever remember about him, since he's not exactly setting the NFL on fire even with two intact knees.

400lb Big F***ing Gorilla! said...

Travis Johnson's knee wouldn't hurt if he would wear kneepads. Your a 300lb defensive lineman, not a gay little cornerback / wide receiver trying to impress the buttpokers in cell block D! Put your hip pads, thigh pads, knee pads and tailbone pad in and play like a real man. Trust me, you have a long way to go before being compared to the likes of Joe Green, Howie Long, Reggie White, Randy White, Merlin Olsen, Deacon Jones, etc., all who wore the knee pads and didn't cry like a baby when they got chop blocked by a quarterback! Travis Johnson=Big Pussy! Actually most quarterbacks probably wouldn't chop block any of those HOF'ers in fear of death or severe maiming! But Trent Green would chop block you cuase he knows your just a 300lb vagina!

Dan B. said...

a 300lb FULLY CONSCIOUS vagina you mean. As opposed to a vegetable who rams his forehead into brick walls on a regular basis.

Iggins! said...

This is the shining light in an otherwise IDIOT filled world where, apparently, Trent Green is the victim here. No, see, this was instant karma for that pussy, chop blocking asshole, and he deserved Travis coming back and yelling in his fragile, owwww I got knocked out by a SHIN face. I hope Trent DIES.

RobbieS said...

I also think the ambulance should run over players when it comes on the field.

Sega Genesis Madden style. I like it.

Blue said...

WTF are you guys on about. They are both pussies. Everyone who plays football is a pussy, all dressed up in like some candy-ass...Wait, sorry, did I say football. Fuck me, that was dumb. I meant golf. Wrong blog.