Tuesday, October 9, 2007

F--k It. We're Takin' Tuesday Off!

Wade: Woo! Well, that was one close shave. Thank ya thank ya thank ya, Jesus. I do believe we’re 5-0. You know what? I’m gonna give the whole team Tuesday off! Damn straight! They’ve earned it after workin’ so hard, and that might give me a free hour or two to myself as well. I think I’ll even take the wife to dinner. I bet she’d like that. I could take her to Morton’s and buy her a shrimp cocktail. I reckon a day of rest will help get ready for those mean ol' Patriots next week.

Well, I guess I’ll just pack up the ol’ laptop here. It’s 5 o’clock, so I’m just gonna casually assume that my boss has left the building and that I’ll be able to make a clean getaway. Nope. No chance he’ll show up just as I’m leaving to give me a shitload of work and ruin all my plans. That never happens to anyone.

Wait a second. I hear footsteps.

(door flies open)


Wade: Oh, Lord no.

Jones: Did you see that?! Did you see what my ROMO did to those Buffalo faggots? FIVE goddamn interceptions and he still pulls that game outta his red hot ass! Even when he's bad, he's still a goddamn STAR! He's just like Johnny Walker, only REAL! And without that little homo Anthony Michael Hall playing him! Good thing he won, or else I'd have gutted your fat ass like a beached sea lion! Hoo boy, my ROMO is waking up echoes of NINETEEN NINETAY TWO, YOU BIG FAT SUMBITCH!

Wade: Mr. Jones, if you don’t mind. I have to get home for the evening.

Jones: Oh, you got things to do, do ya?

Wade: Yessir.

Jones: Thinkin’ about goin’ home to relax for a bit?

Wade: Yessir.

Jones: Maybe even takin’ the wife to dinner?

Wade: Yessir.

Jones: Thinkin’ about breakin’ into a Cinnabon and stealing all the frosting?

Wade: What?

Jones: YOU’RE NOT GOIN’ ANYWHERE, YOU BIG FAT CRAP! It’s Patriot week now, Sailor Boy! And I want your fat ass right here in this office, thinkin’ up new ways to make my boy ROMO a bigger star than that California dipshit Brady! That fuckin' Belichick. I tell ya, you can't get away with dressin' like that here in Texas! We gotta little more pride down here than those pasty New England fuckers. Am I right, Deluise?

Wade: But sir, these young men have been working very hard, and I think they deserve a day off.

Jones: You fat little pig. Hey, I think I see a spider over there spinning cute messages into a web for you, you Kentucky Fried fatass! I don’t give a shit if you let the players off the hook for a day. They worked hard and they deserve it. But the only thing YOU’VE been workin’ on is a case of Canadian bacon! I puttin’ your fat ass out on the plantation for a day, you fat fucking Koosh ball!

Wade: Well, all right. I’ll get the film prepared.

Jones: Fuck the film. I got bigger plans. Fatboy, I have a new vision for this team. When I watched us beat those fat disgusting Pollacks from Chicago a couple weeks back, I realized just how important this whole futbol Americano shit is for our Brand Loyalty! That’s why I want you to start coaching the team… IN ESPANOL!

Wade: WHAT?!

Jones: No, no, no. The word you should use from now on is: QUE?!

Wade: But I don’t even know Spanish!

Jones: Did you think I didn’t think of that, Tubby? Hell, I know your fat ass doesn’t speak any Spanish. The only Mexican you’ve studied is the ingredient label on a fucking Old El Paso jar! No, I’ve hired a special language consultant specifically to help you convert the entire playbook into Spanish. C’mon in, darlin’!

Dora: Hola! Me llamo Dora! And this is my pet monkey, Boots! We’re going for a picnic lunch! El almuerzo!

Jones: Almuerzo! I love it! Can you believe this little wetback will help us out for just thirty cents a day? And I gotta tell you, her mother is one intense PIECE OF ASS! She rode me like I was a goddamn Arabian mustang!

Dora: Let us play the drums! Las congas!

Wade: Sir, this is insane. We can’t teach the players Spanish and convert the entire playbook in just one day! That girl isn’t even real! She’s a cartoon character!

Jones: Well then, you make one shitass businessman, Pudding Tits! There is no I CAN’T at goddamn Valley Ranch! You work with little Paco here.

Dora: Dora!

Jones: Whatever the fuck your name is, kid. Make it happen, Buffalo Butt. You’re not leaving this complex until my boy ROMO’S poster is on the wall of every Nicaraguan child that has a wall to look at! And beat those Patriots, El Gordo! That's Spanish for "The Fat Man"! I like it because it means you're fat!

Wade: Fuck.



My Insignificant Life said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pemulis said...

holy shit that was good.... dora was an excellent touch

My Insignificant Life said...

hecho muy bien

tits del pudín = muy brillante

Unknown said...

Is there an insult against fat people that has yet to be used in this series?

As a heavier man, I am both insulted and disgusted by your callous disregard for people of bigger stature.

Keep it up.

LeNoceur said...

Technically, Boots is Dora's friend, not her pet.

Josh said...

it may be a sign that I've been reading this site too much, but last night when Romo threw his 3rd and 4th picks in swift succession and they kept cutting to shots of Jerry brooding up in his box, I was just laughing my balls off thinking about what the next installment would look like.

I thought it would be last night, but I can't wait until the 'Boys lose their first game.

jackin'4beats said...

Thinkin’ about breakin’ into a Cinnabon and stealing all the frosting?

That was great.

As if last night's near debacle wasn't enough, now Romo gets to call plays in Spanish. Will Dora be on the headset yelling out plays into Romo's ear?

"Left 59 power ahhhhhhhhhhhh"

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

So the Arkansan hog's turned into a Mexican Rat?

Wormfather said...

You just dont see the word wetback in professional journalisim enough.

SDW said...

Pudding tits! If you'll all excuse me, I have to go use that.

Barney said...

"I think I see a spider over there spinning cute messages into a web for you, you Kentucky Fried fatass!"

Oh, sure. I made a literary reference in the comments section and you look at me like I just sneezed my dentures into the mashed potatoes again - but B.D.D. can go all YA lit on our asses and that's just fine. I see how it REALLY is here in the comments bean field. Fuck.

- Barney

Erewhon, PA.

ps. - that MNF game was insane and all I could think about in the 2nd half was the KSK coca-cola douche it was gonna get in just a few short hours.

Citizen 10Cane said...

Big Daddy Drew's Jerry Jones...
It's the role R. Lee Ermey was born to play.

Upstate Underdog said...

BDD showing his dad colors with Charlotte's Web and Dora references. Watch out for Swiper the Fox. Swiper no swiping !

This post took a little bit of the sting away from the Bills losing last night.

Matt said...

I was laughing.....

Then I saw Dora and just lost it at "little wetback".


jackin'4beats said...

Cheech Marin approves this message.

dick_gozinia said...

Is it wrong for me to like the KSK-Jerry Jones better than the Sex Cannon?

Pudding Tits.

N.J.G said...

what scares me most is that my coach is like a combination of these two. exactly.

John S. said...

Dora's mama IS a piece of ass. In the the Dora "potty training" book, she is at the beach in a one piece. I even commented to my wife that Dora's mom was looking fine.

By the way, Dora's papa has a TOTAL porn moustache.

Running.Boyd said...

This should be a movie! Where's the producer who loves his KSK that's gonna make JJ a big fuckin' star!

xmasnvegas said...

When pudding tits ran onto the field after the second clutch field goal, did anyone else hear him scream

"I've got slappy titties!!11!1!!!!"

Trader Rick said...

you fat fucking Koosh ball!

I laughed so hard at that, my Hypercolor shirt changed color. I had to pause my Gameboy and shit. Wait, what the hell did I do with my Pentel click-eraser?

Group 5 said...

I want a case of Canadian bacon now. And some pudding tits.

Anonymous said...


If you wrote nothing but the words "pudding tits" 100 times, I'd still laugh just as hard.

ASmith said...

How many euphemisms for fat people can Big Daddy Drew come up with?

In the mean time, did Romo play like the Sex Cannon last night. Is he the heir to the Sex Cannon's throne?

Unknown said...

Bless you sir, you had me at Koosh Ball.

Dora was just too much though.

Upstate Underdog said...

Romo is the Sex-Mex cannon.

Unknown said...

when are you going to collate all the Jerry Jones/Wade Phillips Chronicles into the hardcover book it deserves?


or as Jerry would say:

Anonymous said...

Benny the Bull and Wade Phillips--separated at birth?

Finísima Persona said...

The daughter was sick today, so cyber-commuting Dad had to pull nanny duties as well for about 8 hours straight. While Dad tried to work on the computer in the studio, the lil' one turned her sick day into a marathon session of Tivo'd Dora The Explorer episodes. Wife finally came home and took the girl away for a while before Daddy turned Amityville Horror on everyone's asses. He then turned to KSK for some "me" time and dick jokes, and what does he find?