Friday, October 12, 2007

Just Call Me Bruce Nyborg

Welcome back for another fantastic week of Always Be Covering! I'm here to make you enough money to order from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe instead of eating that crap from Pizza by Alfredo.

Today I come to you as a humbled man, asking for nothing more than a bit of your time.

This isn't Bruce Nyborg, it's Gil Gunderson. Bruce Nyborg isn't real.

Well last week certainly sucked a big hairy moose cock, did it not? Of course I should have seen it coming, the writing was on the wall. Everybody knows that teasers are bets fit for only the most retarded, but last week we learned why that's the case. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Green Bay Packers. Those worthless fucking pieces of shit were too caught up in the majesty of that stoned fuckhead quarterback to stay within two points of a pathetic Bears team. Fuck you teasers, fuck you right in your chapped ass.

Unfortunately the teaser was merely the final nail in the coffin of last week's crapapalooza. Ape's beloved Steelers covered their end of the parlay (despite the glaring absence of Lance and Bruce) but the Texans felt so bad after Trent Green faked his unconsciousness that they let that glorified--yet woefully underpaid--college team cover the spread. Hey Ahman, cut the shit and put on a fucking helmet before I put out a contract on your head (the Jewish mafia isn't dead, it was just on Boca). Still, that was not the biggest disappointment.

Oh you sick fucking Patriots. All season you've been my ace in the hole, then I actually place a bet for a relatively significant amount of money and you go and shit the bed like an incontinent invalid. If it weren't for a last minute defensive touchdown the entire weekend would have been a complete financial meltdown. Those fuckers failed to cover a spread for the first time all year, but at least they managed to earn a push on the 17 point spread. Oh, and fuck everybody that got the game at 16.5. You gloating assholes should go sit on a six-foot bong.

After all that I was left with nothing more than my original $100 investment. Thanks to a couple of tough breaks (fuck the Cowboys, Rockies, and Seminoles...that's the last time I bet on three of my least favorite teams in the same week) I've found myself with just $20 left in the Bodog coffers out of the original hundred I deposited to start of the season. So what does one do when one needs to score big off of a twenty dollar investment? One finds himself some sweet sweet 20/1 action.

The "I Fucking Need This" Parlay of the Week

Here it goes, five teams at $20 to win $ can I not win?!?!

Houston +7 (-120) at Jacksonville
Chicago -5 (-120) vs. Minnesota
Philadelphia -3 (-130) at New York Jets
Tennessee +3 (-125) at Tampa Bay
New England -6 (-105) at Dallas

If these fuckers don't get it done I'm going to have to go back to slinging meth at the local elementary schools.

Got a dream parlay of your own? Feel free to share the wealth in the comment section.


Captain Caveman said...

You, good sir, are royally fucked.

Unsilent Majority said...

Thank god for other sources of revenue.

Raskolnikov said...

UM -1.5 broken thumbs vs. Bookie
CC -10 terrorists vs. Pat Tillman
BDD -2 poop nuggets vs. towel
MMP -25 redacted paragraphs vs. Prekakke Segments
Flub -$500 vs. Wasted pay per day doing photoshops
Christmas Ape +14.5 miles vs. Chicago Marathon

Grimey said...

Caught on a lucky one
Came in 18-to-1
I got a feelin'
This year's for me and you

- "Fairytale of New York," The Pogues

ben said...

Heh. Guess I better find that six foot bong. :)

Big Daddy Drew said...

You have NO shot of winning that bet.

I'll bet you $20 on it.

Farthammer said...

Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.

Wormfather said...

CC you couldnt have said it better. A 5 team parlay is suicide on a sheet of paper. But if I had to take that bet, I'd be betting diferently on three of those games.

Well, thank god bodog is pay up front, otherwise, I'd be worried about you.

Pemulis said...

were these werewolves at your bar mitzvah?

Anonymous said...

Parlay (3 Teams) 10/12/07 09:51 ET
bet 10.00 to win 62.77 Result: Pending

MiamiFla 10/13/07(12:05 ET)
MiamiFla -2.5 (-105)

NorthCarolina 10/13/07(15:35 ET)
SCarolina -7.5 (-105)

NorthCarolina 10/13/07(15:35 ET)
Over 47.5

big skinny said...

UM-Love the shiny new Office reference and the picks, except for Phili. You may want to consider laying the 4.5 with Arizona against Vinny T. Also, BC -14 at the golden domers is God's gift to all degenerates in a battle of the Catholic schools. I know this is an NFL site, but desperate times, measures, all that shit.

Unsilent Majority said...

jesus pemulis.

i don't know what you guys are talking about, this thing is a lock!

Roy said...

The Titans getting 3? Better jump on that individually with both feet!

fallex said...

Sorry, Lt., but GaTech wins that game outright. They (for some unknown reason) own the U. Oh, and Miami sucks bag.

Beware the NFL home dog, Maj. I think Dallas keeps it close. And I'd bet the over even if it was 70.

fallex said...

So what does one do when one needs to score big off of a twenty dollar investment?

Two words: Dub. Sack.

Zach Pennington said...

Awesome to see that Leitch is rubbing off on the KSK boys more all the time. For the love of Satan, close the bold tag!

SlideShow Bob said...

Meyer Lansky, Bugsy Segal and Hyman Roth approve.

Unknown said...

How's Harriet?

still drunk said...

my last 2 bucks on bodog. fuck last weekend. :(

(105) Hawaii -17½ Fri@8:00p
Competitor: (106) San Jose State
Football - College Lines (Game) Pointspread
(108) Michigan -6 (-105) Sat@12:00p
Competitor: (107) Purdue
Football - College Lines (Game) Pointspread
(162) California -14½ (-105) Sat@7:00p
Competitor: (161) Oregon State
Risk $2.00 to win $12.55