Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Second Annual KSK Halloween Kostume Bukkake

Someone asked me the other day if Halloween was an actual holiday and I told them to go punch the clown. Well, I didn't actually say that. The conversation actually went more like this:

He: (walks into my office without knocking, like an asshole) Hey [Punter],

Me: (actually trying to get some work done) Yeah? What's up?

He: Settle this arguement Punjab and I were having. Punjab says Halloween is not an actual holiday and I say it is. What do you--

Me: Go punch the clown, Chad. Shithead.

He: No, seriously, it's gotta be a real--

Me: Did we get the day off?

He: Uh...Well, no, but--

Me: Is this a day where it is socially permissible to consume alcohol as soon as I wake up?

He: (frustrated) No, but...

Me: But what, Chad?

He: ...But we have the costume contest in the break room after lunch.

Me: Why don't you and Punjab just skip the contest and consummate your relationship in the broom closet and maybe he'll buy you that new iPhone you wanted.

He: (leaves)

Yeah, so unless you're under 15 or someone close to you is sacrificing their abode for a midweek opportunity to get smashed, this day really has very little to offer you. I'll be doing well to catch a peek of a slutty pirate making their way down Main Street. Henceforth, we present the Second Annual KSK Halloween Kostume Bukkake, where we pick the outfits that we'd have our (least) favorite NFL personalities wearing on All Hallow's Eve. We'll get you started--yes, we listed a couple guys twice--and we look forward to your contributions in the comments:

Chris Cooley (pictured)- Slutty Nurse

Norv Turner - Edward James Olmos

Joe Gibbs - Marty Schottenheimer

San Diego Chargers - New Orleans Saints

Orlando Pace - 1950 Ford Edsel

Reggie Wayne - Detective Ricardo Tubbs

Jeff Garcia - Templeton from Charlotte's Web

Eli Manning - Peyton Manning

Archie Manning - Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning - Olivia Manning

Jeremy Shockey - Amy Winehouse

Chad Pennington - Reed Richards

Jim Sorgi - Matt Ufford

Bill Belichick - Allen Funt

Daniel Snyder - Frodo Baggins

Mike Holmgren - William Howard Taft

Quincy Carter - Eddie Murphy's character from 48 Hours

T. J. Houshmanzadeh - Eddie Murphy's character in Coming To America

Jeff Garcia - Eddie Murphy offering rides home for the "girls"

Ben Roethlisberger - Placido Polanco

Mike Ditka - Joseph Stalin

Brady Quinn - Sarah Jessica Parker

Julius Jones - Thing 2

Mike Vrabel - Jake Gyllenhaal

Jeff George - Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite

Matt Leinart - Glenn Quagmire

Larry Fitzgerald - Matt Leinart

Roger Goodell - Richard M. Nixon

Gene Upshaw - Kunta Kinte

Jon Kitna - Larry The Cable Guy

Herm Edwards - Worf

Tom Coughlin - Tom Coughlin

Kellen Clements - Baby Jesus

Purple Jesus - A grape-flavored deity of his choice

Peter King - Deanna Favre

Chad Johnson -- Keyshawn Johnson

Vinny Testeverde - A styrofoam cup in a landfill


twoeightnine said...

Halloween isn't a holiday but the Friday/Saturday closest to the 31st is. Boobies and booze, that's exactly how my bible defines a holiday.

Gourmet Spud said...

Corey Dillon's neck - a Sharpee

Jared Lorenzen - Farva from Super Troopers

Ludicrous Speed said...

Tom Brady - Lieutenant Dan

This, of course, after Dwight Freeney catches him on the way home tonight and gives a cheap shot to his kneecaps, collects the $50 and Reese's, all while doing America a great service.

Anonymous said...

Tony Kornheiser - Brett Favre's jock strap

Shaun Alexander - Tiki Barber, after chugging four bottles of Nyquil

Wanna said...

Tavaris Jackson - Randall Cunningham

(mostly in the hopes that he will get struck by lightning and turn into Randall Cunningham)

JP Losman - Mr. Bill from SNL

Ken Dynamo said...

jim sorgi - wesley crusher?

Punch Rockgroin said...

Tom Brady - Son of a Bitch

Mike Shanahan - The rat from that Charlotte's Web cartoon

Cleo Lemon - Lime

Matt said...

Tohy Siragusa - A refrigerator

Robocats said...

Andy Reid will be going as Mike Holmgrem...dressed as William Howard Taft.

JAMMQ said...

Brady Quinn - Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz

Chad Pennington - Kellen Clemens

Eric Mangini - Bill Belicheck

Bill Belicheck - himself

SlideShow Bob said...

yah nothing is gonna beat Jeff George as Uncle Rico, although T.J. Housh as Prnce Akeem would be close.

QWIJIBO said...

Al Davis- Emperor Palpatine

Oh wait, no need to dress up, they're the same person.

Mike said...

The Jets - A real NFL Team

Dale said...

Hey, Brady Quinn is way prettier than Sarah Jessica Parker.

No homo.

Dale said...

Kellen Winslow - Coast Guardsman

Carson Palmer - Carson Palmer circa 2005

Derek Anderson - Tony Romo

Brian Leonard - Brian Leonard in blackface

Dale said...

Joe Buck - Joseph Smith

Wes Welker - Giselle Bundchen

From the other side of town said...

Bob Saunders -- Fred "The Hammer" Williamson

Brian Urlacher -- Beldar Conehead

Rex Grossman -- Tony Romo

Mike Tirico -- Bryan Gumbel

Shannon Sharpe -- Jar Jar Binks (same as last year, and the year before0

Ben N. said...

Travis Henry - Ricky Williams

Jerry Jones - Yosemite Sam

Otto Man said...

I don't know which one should be more offended by the Shockey-Winehouse comparison, but it's brilliant.

As for Quincy Carter, anyone who's heard him "speak" knows that his natural costume is Mushmouth from the Fat Albert crew.

Pepster said...

Travis Henry - Early Shawn Kemp

DeAngelo Hall - Michael Vick

Alex Rodriguez - Derek Jeter

Derek Jeter - Muscle Bound Female Stripper

Otto Man said...

Jon Kitna - Larry The Cable Guy

Actually, LTCG is already a costume. The guy who plays him is a middle-class suburbanite from Nebraska who went to private school as a kid. It's basically a redneck variation on blackface minstrelsy.

Anyway, if Kitna could be anyone, it'd probably be Joseph of Aramathea.

Unknown said...

Ray Lewis - Northern Colorado back-up punter?

Unknown said...

Larry Johnson - Louis Farrakhan

(word verification = favre?

Group 5 said...

Jon Kitna went as Joe Cullen to the Lions Halloween party.

That's right, he dressed as the naked coach, and his wife came dressed as Wendy's.

Tracer Bullet said...

Broderick Bunkley -- Ultimate Hulk
Donovan McNabb -- Job(from the Book of Job)
Tom Brady -- Helen of Troy
Chad Pennington -- Raggedy Andy
Trent Green -- Glass Joe
Isiah Thomas -- Bishop Don "Magic" Juan
Jerry Jones -- Texas Oil Man from the Simpsons
Marv Albert -- Duff Man

Otto Man said...

Romeo Crennel -- Grimace from McDonaldland

jackin'4beats said...

Pats Fans -- Peter Griffin
Romeo Crennel -- Cleveland from Family Guy
Tomo Romo -- Chazz Reinhold (I'm just livin' the dream)

AirstrikeRhino said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Lazer said...

Gregg Easterbrook- Reverand Lovejoy
or the Cat Lady

Mike McCarthy- Big Moose from the Archie Comics

fallex said...

Roy Williams (WR, Det) - George Costanza

"There's a new sheriff in town, and his name is Reggie Hammonds" - Q.Carter

AirstrikeRhino said...

Jerome Bettis - Moderately priced fuel efficient vehicle.

smurphette said...

Jim Sorgi -- McLovin
Jason Garrett -- Hannibal Lecter
Peter King -- Jabba the Hutt

StuScottBooyahs said...

Uncle Rico thinks Jeff George is a pathetic has-been

Steve said...

Mike Tomlin -- Omar Epps. He's a Steeler, he doesn't dress up.

Tony Dungy -- Ted Haggard

Grimey said...

Quinn Gray -- Byron Leftwich

Unknown said...

I must disagree with your contention that Halloween isn't a true holiday. It's one of my favorite days of the year! What other day do otherwise stuck up, buttoned down princesses dress like complete whores and get drunk?
Are you kidding me? I'll send video for you from the party I'm going to tonight.

Revenge of Jobu's Stolen Rum said...

Kevin Everett - Robocop

Steve said...

Colts fans - Douchebags

Patriots fans - Dr. Kevorkian patients

Moof! said...

Brady Quinn, always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

Jarrett said...

I just so happened to prepare my comment last week.

John Benjamin said...

Brady- Pitcher
Welker- Catcher
Belichick- Porn Videographer
Laurence Maroney- The mascot of a certain tasty drink combining sugar with a pre-packaged powder mixture. Just add water...

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Eric Mangini: Woodward & Bernestein (he's big enough to be two people)

Steven Jackson - Joey Buttafuco's dick.

Willis McGahee (however you spell his fucking name): Mark Rypien (while he's making friends in Buffalo and all)

Ray Lewis - Michael Vick

Michael Vick - Rae Carruth

Rae Carruth - Richard Ramirez

1972DavidBowieFromTheZiggyStardustTour said...

LaDanian Tomlinson - little boy with matchbook

Unknown said...

Bellichick - Dead as I skull fuck him

dickey simpkins said...

Bill Simmons would love to go as the lovechild of Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corolla. In fact, he'll talk all about it on his latest podcast!

Unknown said...

Well, its a fucking holiday at my house..its the kid's birthday. Which btw, made it easy to remember since I am bad with dates.

Steve said...

Steely McBeam -- Gayton Manning
John Edwards -- Laura Bush

brad said...

Tony Romo - Mario Lopez minus the 'roids

brad said...

By the way, Norv Turner - Edward James Olmos? Brilliant!

lost said...

mY birthday, too

so i consider it a holiday, therefore:

Pam Oliver-my necklace

JOe bukk- the voyeuristic cuckold, just like on the other 364

wv: xrazy. no doubt.

Jay said...

I hear tell Steve McNair and Kyle Boller are going trick-or-treating as a team. They're supposed to dress up as a useful offensive unit, but I don't believe that. There's no costume in the world that could make those two look useful.

Terry Tate, Office Linebacker said...

Michelle Tafoya = Suzy Kolber

Terry Tate, Office Linebacker said...

ME = Joe Namath

swing4 said...

... I do really have an office...

Sorry, Punter, that stall in the men's room doesn't count.

Unknown said...

elisha manning - cooper manning