Wednesday, October 3, 2007

A Sunday Afternoon With... The Cutlers!

On Monday, Michael Silver of Yahoo noted this very interesting tidbit from Sunday’s Broncos-Colts game:

Were Jay Cutler’s parents having a "competitive conversation" in the RCA Dome stands after their son's touchdown run, or did they just pick the most embarrassing possible time to have a full-on fight, with cameras rolling? If any flies on the wall out there have any insight, I would love to know.

Now, we at KSK have yet to stumble upon video of this incident. If you have it, please send it to us post-haste. But, we were indeed at the stadium on Sunday. I even had a Dictaphone handy. Amazing! Here now is a transcript of the conversation that took place between Mr. and Mrs. Cutler.

Mrs. Cutler: Great game!

Mr. Cutler: Yeah. Nice to some here and watch our boy play. I hope they win!

(five minutes later)

Mrs. C: Honey, honey. You gotta move your arm.

Mr. C: What?

Mrs. C: You’re hogging the whole armrest!

Mr. C: Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Jesus.

Mrs. C: What are you saying “Jesus” for?

Mr. C: Well, you don’t have to get all mad at me if I don’t know I’m hogging the armrest. Just ask nicely and I’ll be happy to move it.

Mrs. C: Oh, quit being so sensitive.

Mr. C: I’m not being sensitive. I’m just looking for a little courtesy. That’s all.

Mrs. C: Okay, okay. I won’t do it again.

(five minutes later)

Mrs. C: God, do you HAVE to chew that pretzel so loudly?

Mr. C: Hey, you just did it again!

Mrs. C: Did what?

Mr. C: “Do you HAVE to chew that pretzel so loudly?” I don’t know I’m chewing it loudly. Just fucking ask, will ya?

Mrs. C: Well, you keep chewing with your mouth open every goddamn day. Okay? And it gets a little old when I have to ask you over and over again.

Mr. C: Then don’t fucking ask me! Let me be how I am. I’m not fucking perfect.

Mrs. C: I’m not trying to make you perfect! And I resent, any time I ask YOU to do me the courtesy of something, you treat me like some kind of horrid fucking nag.

Mr. C: Well, maybe you are.


Mr. C: I said maybe you are a horrid fucking nag. Maybe I’d like a wife, instead of a goddamn study hall monitor!

Mrs. C: Oh, is that why you fucked your receptionist, then?

Mr. C: That was five years ago! And she wasn’t a receptionist! She was an Associate Account Executive!

Mrs. C: Why the fuck are you defending her?

Mr. C: Maybe because she didn’t mind if I occasionally hogged the goddamn armrest!


Mr. C: No, FUCK YOU!

Mrs. C: I’ll fucking take this goddamn plastic knife and shove it up your ass!

Mr. C: Go ahead. You’ve been dying to do that since our wedding day, you hateful old cunt!

Mrs. C: Take that back! You take that back, or so help me God I will find that big black guy that plays running back and bear him a child!

Mr. C: Joke’s on him! Wait till he gets you in the sack, Ms. Halfway In Hurts Too Much!


(attacks him)

Innocent Bystander: Excuse me, sir? Ma’am? Would you mind taking this somewhere private? My son and I are trying to enjoy the game.

Mr. & Mrs. C: FUCK OFF!

(Mr. C grabs a hot dog vendor’s grill fork.)

Mr. C: C’mon, little girl. You wanna dance? Let’s dance.

(Mrs. C grabs the pepper spray from her purse.)

Mrs. C: What would you know about dancing? You haven’t invited me onto a dance floor since high school, you limp old fuck.

Mr. C: Good! Good. I’m glad you’re finally laying it all on the table. Now maybe we can finally end this charade. You miserable queen of the harpies.

Mrs. C: I am gonna fork out your eyes, and I am gonna enjoy doing it.

Innocent Bystander: Uh, your son just scored.

Mr. C: He did?

Mrs. C: He did? Whatever. He’ll score again some day. Your ass is mine, fuckface.

Mr. C: Bring. It. On. COCKWHORE.

Innocent Bystander: SECURITY!

Photoshop courtesy of flubby and Ape.


Josh said...

wow, I didn't know Mrs. Cutler and Joey Harrington had the same nickname.

Shaun Murray said...

what just happened?

Captain Caveman said...

She's queen of the harpies, she is!

1972DavidBowieFromTheZiggyStardustTour said...

Ms. Halfway In Hurts Too Much is probably the funniest thing I've ever read.

Upstate Underdog said...

been there, done that. be fore warned single guys.

Big Daddy Drew said...


Upstate Underdog said...

A trip to Catfish Lake for the Cutlers might not be a bad idea. maybe Mr. C can catch General Sherman.

Pemulis said...

Lovejoy: Ned, Maude, what brings you here?
Ned: Well.... sometimes god bless her, she underlines passages in my bible because she can't find hers!
Homer: Oh, lucky you don't keep guns in the house.
Lovejoy: Homer, why are you here?
Homer: Oh....because I got drunk and looked down her dress

Unsilent Majority said...


Pemulis said...

Johnny-boy hasn't been able to "cut it", man-wise for some time, not that I'd want his stench of Gin and sour defeat pressed against me.

jackin'4beats said...

Bring. It. On. COCKWHORE.

I think I will use this line one day just for fun to see what happens.

That was absolutely outstanding.

Grimey said...

We both know perfectly well what this is about... you want me to have an abortion!

Unsilent Majority said...

last night, you not only crossed the line, you threw up on it!

Farthammer said...

Not those peanuts; the ones at the bottom.

ColeTrain said...

Ms. Halfway In Hurts Too Much! was incredible. I just got up to close my office door so I could giggle in peace.

Unknown said...

this is hilarious because of the five total minutes i spent watching nfl replay last night i saw that exact clip and thought 'they really didnt seem all that happy that he just scored a touchdown.. what did i miss?' and now this. perfect.

My Insignificant Life said...

Mrs. C: Take that back! You take that back, or so help me God I will find that big black guy that plays running back and bear him a child!

She is willing to take one for the team.....nice.

FreshlySqueezedLemon said...

I used to be proud of myself for the "Half way in hurts too much", but you've got me reconsidering that...

5150cd said...

It's like watching home movies with my old lady. Fucking classic.

Also, those thinking the "Half way in hurts too much" is a good thing, you're wrong. Any pain you cause your wife in sex, will make her consider not ever doing it again. Trust me...Unless she's into that sort of thing.

The Dude said...

I bet the makeup sex was fucking mind blowing!

Wormfather said...

I think we're all in aggreement "Ms. Half way in hurts too much." is the line of the week.

That was fucktastic.

leaf said...

I had a similar argument and still bitched out bought the minivan

twoeightnine said...

So this is where all of Jay's emo-angst comes from.

Otto Man said...

Uh, Drew? Everything alright at home?

As for Jay Cutler: "Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. His eyes were like steel, cold, hard. Had a shock of hair, red like the fires of Hell."

Slash said...

If I thought all marital discord was this hilarious, I wouldn't fear marriage so much. Actually, I don't fear it so much as I don't really see what's in it for me. But I digress.

I agree ""Half way in hurts too much" is not really a good thing. Yeah, I'm sure it would make the husband feel like a big stud, but I'd think the more likely scenario would be "all the way in still can't feel a thing," or "hurry up, I've got shit to do."

Wayne Jarvis said...

He forgets holidays, religeous and secular. He blows his nose on the towels and puts them back in the middle.

When he sleeps, he makes chewing noises. When he eats, he makes honking noises. He kicks me in his sleep and his toenails are too long and yellow

jackin'4beats said...

If it hurts that much when it's 1/2 way in, then I've got two questions for you:

1) Have you ever considered this new fangled invention called KY Jelly? I hear it works wonders on reducing friction and increasing pleasure. It also comes in flavors such as Intrigue for those extra special moments.

2) Didn't you find out if it was too big BEFORE you married him? If so, then quit being a incessant harpie and take it like a woman.

Thank you for your attention.

Anonymous said...

me and the coke whore ex-gf like to call that "date night"

The Last Unitard said...

What I want to know is, why did it take Flubby and Ape to do that photoshop?

Christmas Ape said...

Because the two of us have the combined Photoshopping skills of flub's newborn.

Robocats said...

God, that was fucking brilliant. Reminded me of my childhood.

Uh...I'm gonna book an appointment with a shrink now.

flubby said...

Apparently there's such a thing as too bad of a 'Bad MS Paint'.

5150cd said...

Do you think he leaves shit stains on the towels?

Slash said...

My parents' screaming fights were never this funny. They really needed better writers. Or more extensive editing. Or an amusing scroll at the bottom of the screen.

Unknown said...

Mrs. Cutler for Meast of the Week?

rar288 said...

I think Mrs. Cutler needs a little Purple Jesus in her life.

Ludicrous Speed said...

She was nagging