Tuesday, October 23, 2007

F--k This. I’m Gonna Be A Cop.

Okay, guys. Let me run down the injuries for you. Westy tweaked his knee, but he’ll be re-evaluated tomorrow. Dawkins is fine. Sheppard is fine. Donovan plans on practicing all week. He should be good to go. We’ll update you on everything on Thursday. As for the Bears loss, it’s just one of those things. Sometimes things like that happen and you just have to…

(buries head in hands)

Ugh. Look I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore. Every week, I come in and give you assholes the same vague answers to all your same stupid questions. Aren’t you tired of this shit? I am. Jesus, it’s just the same thing over and over and over again. And it’s not like it’s any better around here if we win. Shit, even when we win, 90% of the fans just want to talk about why we’re gonna fucking lose the next week.

Honestly, it’s all just a bunch of bullshit. I do my best. I really do. And sometimes, we end up having a nice season. Other times, things get fucked up and we have a lousy season. It happens like that. Don’t you people fucking get that?

I don’t need this. I sleep on a goddamn cot five days a week. I watch 80 hours of videotape a week, only 5% of which is hardcore pornography. All the videotape plays are just blending together at this point. And it’s fucking TAPE. Lurie’s too cheap to digitize this place. I still have to use a goddamn overhead projector in meetings. I barely see my kids, and now everyone’s calling me a shitty dad just because I tried to work hard to make them proud.

I’ve had enough of this shit. Fuck it. I’m gonna be a cop.

I’ve always wanted to be a cop. I know I’m an okay coach, but this mustache was fucking made for police work. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to pull some 17-year-old shoplifter over and give him a cold taste of justice. If he’s wearing an Eagles hat, then all the better. I like winning football games, but that can’t even compare to taking out some juvenile delinquent’s knees with a nightstick. BAM! Finally, coach gets to do a little hitting of his own.

You know what I’d really love to do? Go on a stakeout. God, that just sounds like the best. It’s just you and your partner (I named my imaginary partner Bobby O’Neill), hanging out in an unmarked Ford Taurus at 3AM, drinking some coffee and munching on bear claws. That would be fantastic. We could have really deep conversations about life, and how our wives don’t understand “the job”, and shit like that. And we could rip on each other too. I could be like, “Nice shirt, O’Neill, you metrosexual assbag.” And he’d be like, “Fuck you, you fat lazy shit.” I can’t get that kind of camaraderie with Mornhinweg. He’s an idiot.

I wouldn’t even have to go out in the field. I could be the dispatcher. I’d be a great police dispatcher. Look at me. Don’t I just look gruff? I could get all bossy on the radio. “Attention all units! We have a 187 in progress! We need backup! NOW!” And if any beat officer gave me lip, I could throw it right back in his face. “Don’t tell me you’re 15 blocks away, McSorley! DO YOUR JOB!”


I could wear one of those Sipowicz shirts, too. You know, the button down short sleeve shirt? I hear they’re really breathable. Looks great with a tie. You wear one of those shirts and munch on a bran muffin, and no one’s gonna fuck with you. That’s some major league respect.

I’d love to put a suspect in the box. Just grill the shit out of him. Threaten him with bodily harm until he cries out his confession. And if he tries to “lawyer up”, then I could really start to turn the screws on him. Or I could bring in Bobby to finish the job on him. Good ol’ Bobby. He’s not afraid to bend some rules in the name of the law.

If I could be a cop, then I could finally get my family back. My kids would respect me. And citizens wouldn’t complain about how I do my job, because I’d have a gun on me. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to carry a gun on the sidelines. Maybe Donovan would hurry the fuck up at the end of the game for once.

You know what? I’m gonna do it.

Screw you guys. I’m joining the force. Next time you see me, I’ll be in my Ray-Bans. You better watch your ass.


From the other side of town said...

Free Coffee at donut shops.

Filch pennies from the leave-a-penny-take-a-penny jar.

Never pay a cover charge.

Beaucoup free fireworks.

Accept propositions from large breasted females (make sure the squad car isn't facing so video camera won't caputre images).

Looking at hot porn on the precinct internet.

Bonus: If in Chicago you can kick a barmaid's ass and dare her to talk, or shake down drug dealers to pay for your new boat.

bfreakin3 said...

I thought I was the only one who called people 'assbag'. top notch work.

Christmas Ape said...

So much for the thin blue line.

foos05 said...

That was great. Fine piece of journalism. Although I think Fatty McGee would be better as a Hawaiian 5.0. Then he could wear those lovely shirts all day, or better yet, moo-moos. If he goes undercover, just stick the gun under those floppy jugs. I'm still hurtin for my Wade fixin' for the week; speaking of floppy tits.

Jarrett said...

Shaq is insulted by this piece.

Pemulis said...

I love his foodnetwork show: The Hungry Detective

the great bambi said...

@ jarrett carter

what if reid and shaq were partners, then when they interrogate a witness, rather than good cop/bad cop they do bad cop/bad muthafucka cop

reid threatens bodily harm, then shaq towers over him and threatens to do things to the wife/significant other

plus then you get the added excitement of seeing how many krispy kremes and duncan donuts those two could put out of business

Upstate Underdog said...

Belichick would never do anything like this, he would do it totally different.

/Pats fan

Anonymous said...

"I'm getting too old for this shit. Time's yours."

Ginsu said...

"I watch 80 hours of videotape a week, only 5% of which is hardcore pornography."

Nicely done, BDD. Though he'd probably spend the last thirty minutes of every shift driving 4 miles an hour, trying not to get shot. And then he'd get shot while clocking out.

xdamousex@gmail.com said...

A 187 in progress? Sounds painful.

Wormfather said...

He only watches 4 hours of porn a week? Fuck, I shoot more porn than that.

hearsmusic said...

They could cast Andy as Farva in the Super Troopers remake.

"Do you need backup?!"

Pemulis said...

I don't want a large farva. I want a goddamn litre o' cola!

Rush said...

I've got to put my fellow officers in a better position to buy and eat bear claws.

In terms of the stain on my uniform, I'll go back and review the tape on lunch, and I don't want to comment yet on the third cheesesteak yet, I'm looking at it.

On the positive side, I think we are close to hitting on our true ability to score more free coffee, we're close there, we have to keep firing.

SDW said...

Say "car Ramrod." Say "car Ramrod." You didn't say it.

Oh, I forgot.

I wrote it on the paper.

Oh yeah...

the great bambi said...

coffee is served, oh no no no that's rabbit's, that's rabbit's

oh look a bar of soap

ohhhh shit I got you good you FUCKER

jackin'4beats said...

One Adam Ten, under automatic rifle
fire at Nakatomi! Requesting immediate backup and SWAT assistance...guys, you want to cut through the red tape? They're turning my car into Swiss cheese!!! I need backup now...NOW GODDAMNIT NOW!!!

WV: kskfye (So you guys are shopping at the FYE store now?)

Anonymous said...


Welcome to the party, pal!

the great bambi said...

I'm Detective John Kimble....I'm a COP you IDIOT!

Unknown said...

it took 14 comments before this devolved into a Super Troopers quote-fest...?

I'm stunned.

Andy Reid has done a poor job of setting people's asses on fire this year - not sure he can pull off the Farva role.

the great bambi said...

but why does andy reid need to do a good job? farva didn't do anything well, besides punchisizing a fast food worker's face for free, you telling me andy reid can't be stripped naked and doused in powder sugar? i bet he can, just don't call him radio, unit 91

Otto Man said...

Beautifully played. You had me at the Sipowicz shirt.

Unknown said...

He can put his kids out on the street as narcs to work off that 1,000 hours of community service they got coming to them. That would be the next great reality show. "Bulletproof Reids"

swing4 said...

Don't let the door hit you on the way out, Reid.

rar288 said...

McNabb actually played well in the 4th quarter. The rest of his shitty team just didn't do anything though. And he was on the sidelines during the last 2 minutes of destruction. Griese just raped the Eagles defense in the last 2 minutes.

CoffeeTableBook said...

I'm sorry about that delousing. Just standard procedure.

It's powdered sugar.

The lice hate the sugar.

It's delicious.

Also - Reid is no Pembleton and he would be a liability in the box.