Friday, September 29, 2006

What's worth doing is worth doing for money...

Welcome to the Week 4 edition of our weekly feature Always Be Covering. The following is a small sampling of the games I'll be investing in when I stumble home drunk on Saturday night...really, I'm an expert.

While I may appear startlingly brilliant (or possibly not) you must remember that this is a humor site. If you take me too seriously you're likely to end up coaching little league in the ghetto to pay your debt.

Tom Brady on SNL?
Cincinnati -6.5 vs. New England

As long as Tom Brady is going to act like Adam Sandler on the Denise Show I see no reason to bet on them (but wouldn't Phil Hartman be perfect as Belichick?). If he can't establish a better relationship with his receivers the Patriots won't be able to keep up with premium competition. Clearly Coach Belichick is trying to motivate Captain America, not only did he spill his guts about Matt Cassell, now he's working out VINNY?

Unless Brady gets pregame flowers from Deion Branch his mood isn't going to improve anytime soon. Chad's probably going to get knocked silly for calling out Rodney Harrison and his fellow dbacks. That should free up even more room for Housh, Henry, and Washington to audition for Dancing With the Stars.

Houston +4 vs. Miami

Houston is probably the worst team in the league...but give me four points against Miami and I can't help myself. If you've got real balls you'll take the points and Miami on the moneyline...but you don't. Pussy.


Philadephia -11 vs. Green Bay (MNF)

Let's all give Roger Goodell a big round of applause for turning Sunday Night Football into Monday Night Football (and vice versa). I liked it when we could use Sunday night as a time to decompress after watching all the real action. Then we'd spend all day Monday anticipating a great matchup awaiting us at home.

Now they expect me to stay awake all night after a Sunday of drinking? Then I'm supposed to look forward to a piece of shit game like this after a Monday of fasting? That's bullshit. As for the, let's just say it's not going to show up on ESPN Classic anytime soon. Philly should go up big, hopefully this week's game won't be fixed (joking!...a little).

After two profitable weekends I hit a bit of a pothole last time out.
I'm going to have to start playing it safe this week. If this keeps up I might have to start buying cheaper liquor. That means it's time to start picking off weak teams playing on the road...which brings me to our first special teaser of the season; for obvious reasons, I call it the...

Shy-lock of the Week

Atlanta -1.5 vs. University of Phoenix
After a terrible game there's nothing better than going up against the Arizona defense. The case of the Fubling Gentile is really killing them right now; teams with quarterback controversies don't tend to win road games against playoff contenders. Hey Atl, try not to fuck up my shit this week.

Carolina -1 vs. New Orleans
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. And you thought nothing you learned in physics class could help your degenerate gambling problems. It's going to be difficult for the Saints to come back from the emotional charge of last week on short notice. Couple that with a solid opponent heading in the right direction, and you're looking at some sad Orleanians (or the happy white people they show on tv).

KSK will be here for some Sunday afternoon updates...then I shall take my leave. Check back Monday night when I'll be 50% less Jewy.


becky said...

ok I must be wasted bc I am seriously considering giving chad the start on my team this week...luckily it's only thurs and I can talk myself out of it while I want to die at work in the a.m.

becky said...

and yeah, maybe I should be hiding the fact that I come home at night and check KSK...wanna fight about it?

Unsilent Majority said...


Big Daddy Drew said...


mrmom61 said...

Are you jackin it.

JoSCh said...

Phil Hartman is dead and it's nothing to joke about. Peter Kings minions are nearly upon you.

Hey UM, you suck at handicapping, but my bookies boy doesn't. You better be right this week or you're getting my pinky in the mail. Please send it back, priority if possible.

Unsilent Majority said...

I'm the single greatest handicapper alive...except for that Sports Gal chick.