Thursday, September 7, 2006

Live From Pittsburgh: What A Feeling

Hey there sports fans – Footsteps Falco live from the Steel City. Now, I know that a lot of you have been wondering where I have been lately. I heard all the rumors Caveman and MMP were spreading about me "holding out" for a restructuring of my contract Not true at all - I am pefectly happy with my current contract and will honor it - unless I outperform it this season. Then I will renew my original demands for a case of Sparks, my own cheerleading squad, and a lock of Kyle Turley's hair. No, the truth is I left town a few months ago for a teaching gig that had opened in Thailand but then, just as I was getting settled in, the previous guy came back for his old job, muttering something about "stupid DNA" and how he was almost famous. He seemd pretty upset about something.

Anyway, I’m back and am here in town for the big game. All I have been told so far is to head to Section 208 of the stadium and look for a guy wearing a Swiss Army watch. Last time I followed instructions like this I ended up in a Turkish prison. Sure hope that doesn’t happen this time- I have no idea who would manage my fantasy rosters while I’m gone (speaking of fantasy rosters – those in the Fun Lovin’ Criminals League who ridiculed my selection of Corey Dillon are going to look silly, I promise, however those of you that ridiculed my selection of Tony Mandarich were probably right.) Anyway, Pittsburgh is an interesting city – probably even prettier without all the snow. I’ve only been in town a short while and I have seen more female welders than in the outtakes of Flashdance. Big difference is these ones actually get upset when you pour a bucket of water on them. And the aroma of beef and cheese just seems to hang around, like an injured race horse who can’t accept the fact that he didn’t get into the Hall of Fame but at the same time just can’t seem to let go of life. But I digress. Pittsburgh apparently is a romantic city as well. I just saw a guy and an attractive young woman on a bridge in what I thought was an amorous embrace. But then the girl started screaming and running away, saying something about Harry Carson being her Godfather and that the guy would be sorry. Wonder what that was all about.

But enough with the tour-we’re here for the big battle of the body parts, where Ben’s inflamed appendix will have to watch helplessly from a jar in a hospital as Daunte’s fragile knee tries to ignore Cowher’s angry chin. But honestly, I just want to meet Mean Joe Greene and see if he’ll give me a coke.


Captain Caveman said...

He wasn't very mean at all.

Landru said...

Yeah. Not chucking the bottle at the kid really fucked up his rep.

Unsilent Majority said...

falco still reeks of peanut sauce

Anonymous said...

Falco disappeared while Congress was out of session. The possibility that he is a Legislative Aide, or a Congressman even, terrifies me. Although, I suppose if Heath Shuler can do it, any asshole can.