Tuesday, September 5, 2006

You're doing a heck of a job, Brownies

Most sports have a revered place for the “lovable loser.” Baseball has the Cubs; golf has Phil Mickelson; the NBA has Isiah Thomas. However, we at KSK piss excellence and expect no less from the quality of the NFL product. Losers are despicable rejects and should be treated like the loathsome human garbage they are. With that in mind, we present the latest installment in our preview of all 32 NFL teams... the Cleveland Browns.

Four things you might not know about the Browns:

1. The Browns made Saints free agent LeCharles Bentley the highest paid center ever this off-season. LeCharles then blew out his LeKnee in LeTraining camp.

2. The Drive. The Fumble. Red Right 88. Any team that has so many casual shorthand references to choking in big games is not a team civilized folk want to waste Sundays cheering for.

3. Kellen Winslow says he is a fuckin' soldier. We didn't know Massengill's had their own army.

4. The term “Dawg Pound” was coined by Browns cornerbacks Hanford Dixon and Frank Minnifield during the 1980's. This is what life in the Dawg Pound is like for Browns fans.

The Browns haven't done a damn thing since their return to the NFL in 1999. For that matter, they hadn't done a damn thing years before Art Modell had the good sense to trade a team in a sixth class town for a team in a fifth class town. There is ample evidence that the Cleveland football experiment is a colossal failure. We say shit-can the whole operation. Bulldoze the whole damn thing into Lake Erie. Better yet, send them to Baltimore. Baltimore could use two teams.

The Browns are suffering from some form of mass hallucination that Charlie Frye is a viable option at quarterback. He's not. The Browns overpaid the aging Willie McGinest in hopes of turning around their crappy defense. He won't. The Browns are going to suck again this year. They will be Pittsburgh AND Cincinnati's bitch.

This year's Browns will be the latest in a long, unabated line of Cleveland losers. Jim Brown should kick these sissies square in the nuts. Chamber of commerce hype notwithstanding, Cleveland is a soulless rust-belt town. And nothing these gutless losers the do will change that. 6-10 is good enough for the rabble that supports these miserable bastards. Fuck Drew Carey. Fuck the Golics. Fuck that fucking row of crack-houses you call the Flats. Fuck Cleveland and fuck the Browns.


Unsilent Majority said...

I didn't know Chris Penn used to be a Browns fan...

Jon said...

humor or not its kind of hard to take a review by a steelers fan about the cleveland browns, even remotely seriously.

if you're going to "review" a team at least be unbiased and somewhat respectable regardless of how bad we suck or how much you hate us. its mutual. enjoying your stolen superbowl rings?

pittsburgh is somehow better than cleveland? same type of town. steel and a blue collar, hard working foundation.

the flats and the downtown neighborhoods have been under massive construction and renovation for the last decade to make the city better and safer and its worked.

we have the best fans in football period. I'd like to see how many people in pittsburgh or in any other city would remain fans if their team had done nothing but lose for the last 42 years. how about if you lost your team? would you write countless letters and sue the NFL like browns fans did?

No, You wouldnt.

Art rooney was one of the two owners to vote against the move and earned the respect of almost every browns fan yet you'd rather have a city like baltimore have two teams? thats hilarious..

McGinest was not brought in to "up" the defense, it was about him being an example and teach the guys how to run that type of scheme. Crennel would know better than anyone else what Mcginests' playing ability is.

This "crumbling' veteran recorded 3 sacks in the playoffs LAST year.

Captain Caveman said...

Good one, Jon. flubby's a Raiders fan.

Yeager said...

It's about time somebody told it like it is. Let's face it, the NFL has too many teams already and could stand for some contraction. Cleveland would be the perfect place to start.

Unsilent Majority said...

unbiased and repspectable...

two things we'll never promise

Anonymous said...

I hope that guy's hurling those beer bottle at french fry dude.

Now THAT would be some entertaining shit.

Anonymous said...

Actually, he said "somewhat respectable". But you didn't promise that either.

How many times do you think those Steeler fans pimped that little pussy dog to hump the stuffed Browns dog in front of their Poverty Neck Hillbilly friends? Not that it would ever get old, but I wonder about the hygiene. Did they let the doggie spooge accumulate on the stuffed dog or did they clean it after every exhibition?

Anonymous said...

Now THAT would be some entertaining shit.

Perhaps, but a video of a Rottweiler in a Steelers jersey humping an actual Browns fan would have definitely entertained me.

Anonymous said...

Did Jon actually come here expecting unbiased and respectable reporting?

Was this the first post he has read? Are any blogs unbiased and respectable?

you'd rather have a city like baltimore have two teams?

ahh...yes, you Browns fans are the best football fans...ever

Vee said...

Dear Jon,
If you need more than eight paragraphs to explain your team's worth (and still fall short), it may be time to look for a new team. It's not too early to jump on that juicy L.A. expansion bandwagon, just sayin'...

Fornelli said...

But I was told Cleveland rocks!

I made a Browns fan cry once, but that bitch deserved it.

Anonymous said...

The Browns = A great reason to implement the relegation system in American Football.

eirishis said...

Being a browns fan is like dating a girl that you love but can't explain. Your friends hate her. The sex isn't that good. She nags all the time. But for whatever reason, you are still there.

Wow, that was REMARKABLY depressing to right. Thank god I've got the Indians to fall back on.

Anonymous said...

eirishis hit the nail on the head.............sad, ain't it?

Anonymous said...

Hey flubber,

Have you stopped touching little boys?

Anonymous said...

The Drive wasn't a choke job. It was just pure brilliance from the greatest come-from-behind QB ever to play the game.

Jon, relax. You should take a look at the Denver preview for a serious hatchet-job on a team and a city. This one is pretty tame by comparison.

Anonymous said...

Oh I get it, ever since you clowns had your nuts cut off over the whole Mary Beth King thing, you're desperate to prove you're really aren't snivelling cowards by writing these "in your face" previews. Color me impressed.

Anonymous said...

This review almost made me think that pittsburghers were writing on this website until I snapped back to reality and took comfort in the fact that running a website requires way more technical skill than anyone from shittsburgh could handle. Y'inze can suck a big fat d!ck 'en at.

Question: How does a guy from pittsburgh know his mom's on the rag?

Answer: When his brother's dick tastes funny