Monday, September 4, 2006

Weekend Round-Up: Ah, Who Cares?

The weekend round-up will be more or less a weekly thing around here -- yes, even on holidays, muthafuckas -- but seeing as how most of the games were played Thursday night, and nobody really gives a fuck about the final preseason game anyway, here's a round-up of what's been in going on in NFL news over the last couple of days.

Chargers OLB Steve Foley shot by police officer. You can read the whole story here, but here's the gist: Foley's out speeding and weaving erratically at 3:30 on Sunday morning (still Saturday night to him, I'm guessing), a cop pulls him over, Foley gets out of the car and says that the cop is only holding a BB gun, Foley gets back in his car and drives home, the cop follows. When he gets home, Foley gets out, his girlfriend takes the wheel and starts driving at the cop while Foley approaches, cop fires warning shot, girlfriend revs engine, cop shoots car and Foley, Foley keeps coming, Foley gets shot some more.

Phew. Much more exciting than my Saturday night. I just went to the Comedy Cellar. Anyway, Schottenheimer has got to be pleased with the tenacity of his defensive players. Foley got shot and kept coming -- that's the kind of player that fights through the lead block to make the tackle. Well, if he recovers fully. And doesn't go to jail.

Domanick Davis placed on IR, will miss the entire year. Wali Lundy and Vernand Morency, two men with awkwardly spelled first names, will split time in the Texans' backfield. Man, IF ONLY there had been a decent running back available with the #1 pick in the draft...

Mike Vanderjagt maybe isn't the right kicker for Bill Parcells. Vanderjagt shanked two kicks -- from 32 and 33 yards -- in overtime as the Cowboys tied the Vikings. Bill Parcells, in case you haven't been paying attention to football the last decade or so, has had notoriously bad kickers (and a quick hook for them) since, oh, right about after Scott Norwood gave him a Super Bowl victory. Karma really is a nasty bitch.

Raiders cut Jeff George.
If you're not dancing with glee, then clearly you didn't read Jason Whitlock's most recent fellation of George (one highlight: "Jeff is like the hottest girlfriend you ever had."). With Skip Bayless gone from Page 2, this might lock up Asshat of the Year over at the Worldwide Leader. It's going to take two, maybe three columns from Scoop Jackson before someone else looks dumber.

The Deion Branch Trade Dance continues. My favorite team is in the hunt for Branch, and this story STILL bores me.

Jackasses everywhere make season predictions. You'll get no links here, but everybody out there who writes about football is making season predictions. Panthers over Colts! Cowboys over Patriots! Bengals over Falcons! (Wait, Bengals over Falcons?) Really, it's preposterous for anyone to take any of these picks seriously, as it's impossible to tell which teams will be decimated by injury, or what surprise players will break out and lead their teams to the playoffs, or which teams will be destroyed by Terrell Owens's presence. Oh wait, you can predict which team will be destroyed by TO: the Cowboys. Here's my season prediction: Parcells gets hospitalized for some kind of heart ailment around Week 14.

"Crocodile Hunter" killed by stingray.
I bring this up for two reasons: (1) Who didn't like Steve Irwin? and (2) This is precisely the sort of thing that wouldn't kill Ben Roethlisberger. I would be totally unsurprised if he got stabbed in the heart with a poisonous stinger while scuba diving and didn't even notice. Of course, he would probably fuck up his re-breather, get the bends, and spend three weeks in the decompression chamber, but what're you gonna do?


Anonymous said...

"Jeff is like the hottest girlfriend you ever had."

Only not hot, as well as having a penis.

A.T. Bianchi said...

The reaction to the Steve Irwin death has perplexed me. I'm still not sure whether other people are joking or are genuinely upset. And I'm pretty confident some joking people are interacting with the geniune people and neither is aware. Put me in the geniunely upset category.

Scrappled said...

Cool, put me in the genuinely amused category. No sympathy for douchebags who put their one-month old baby near a 13-foot crocodile.

Unsilent Majority said...

anybody who didn't see this coming wasn't paying attention

Suss said...

If it's any consolation, I would imagine that a man named the Stingray Hunter would die from a poisonous crocodile.

Anonymous said...

I can't wait until Reggie Bush is exposed as the overhyped RB that he is just so everyone will let the Mario/Reggie-thing die.

The Texans could have taken Jesus at #1 and it still won't make a difference this season (even if Jesus had 1-cut ability and 4.2 speed).

Anonymous said...

"He talked the Raiders into this tryout by sending them a workout tape of himself that his wife filmed."

Found the tape...