Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Why he had to go I don't know, he wouldn't say. I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Today is a special day here at Kissing Suzy (no this has nothing to do with Matt Leinart and/or VD). Today we are honored to be joined by the most reclusive man in the National Football League. He's been described by some as an Übermensch-like combination of Karl Rove and Chuck Noll (yet they sill love him in Boston). Of course I'm talking about Mensa's own, Bill Belichick.

Coach, I'd like to welcome you here to KSK. We can't thank you enough for this unprecedented access to your organization. Firstly, I have to ask why you've chosen us to speak with after biting your tongue for so many years.

Spite, nothing but good, old fashioned spite.

Spite? Against Whom?

Peter King; I don't care for that man, he's annoying as hell and I figure this would be a good way to get under his skin.

I think I understand perfectly, say no more...seriously, don't say anything else...the walls have ears.
I'm sure you requested this forum for a good reason, so what is it you'd like to discuss?

I am here to announce a bit of a change to our lineup for Sunday's game.

Oh really? Are you going to insert Maroney into the starting spot over Dillon? I wouldn't have expected that for another few weeks.

Nope, I'm thinking bigger. We've come to a decision; Matt Cassell will start at quarterback this weekend against the Bengals.

Coach, when you requested this interview I was under the impression that you were serious. Just because we're a humor site doesn't mean that you can come on here and fuck with us.

I assure you Mr. Majority, I fuck with you not.

So what's wrong with Brady? Was he injured late in the Denver loss?

This change has nothing to do with injuries, at this point I feel that Matt can offer more to the team.

How could you bench a future Hall of Fame inductee in the prime of his career? Surely you can't be serious. His performance in the past couple of weeks can't be enough to warrant the promotion of a backup who hasn't played since high school.

A rare satellite image of Cassell playing football

I'm very serious, and don't call me Shirley...LOL!

Very funny Coach, you must be a Deadspin commenter. Seriously, what could Brady have done to get on your bad side?

He's being a whiny bitch! You've seen him out on the field, he's wavin' his arms and hollerin' at his receivers, it's not my kind of football.

To be fair you did trade away Deion Branch, his primary receiver and bff.

No shit, that's all I he ever talks about anymore. After the trade he cried for four hours. Now he's moping around practice like a Mormon girl during prom week. When he's not writing in his journal he's text messaging Hasselbeck out in Seattle to tell him what a special guy Deion is, even he thinks that shit's weird. The fact is that we need a quarterback who can run my damn team.

So what makes you think Cassell can run your team? He's never played a significant football game.

The kid's got all the tools, I've seen it for myself. Just because he never played at USC doesn't mean he's not better than Leinart.

Some may say that's exactly what it means.

Listen, Cassell's a good kid from solid roots, I've spent some time with his mother and I can tell you he's of good stock.

Coach, are you having an affair with Matt Cassell's mother?

I'm not not sleeping with her.

Coach you're doublespeak will not work on me, I'm no Peter King.

Fine! So what if I am sleeping with her? After the Bonnie Bernstein rumors and that milf in Jersey I've been struggling. That doesn't have shit to do with my quarterback decision, you muckraking bastard!

I think it's about time you got some help for yourself Bill. It seems like you're undermining your team and your personal life just because you're a bit of a stubborn ass.

Matt Cassell is my starter, Tom Brady's bitchy attitude is on the bench and that's that! This interview is over.

Thanks for joining us Coach.


Larry Bird Flu said...

It's a good thing you didn't ask him about Mangina's vagina. Whew!

Unsilent Majority said...

another day my friend

the dude said...

But Bill why do people like Tom Brady?

Bill: People like Tom Brady because he makes Brett Favre look like Chris Simms.

Larry Bird Flu said...

You totally know that Brady is going to end up being like Favre -- a formerly clutch champion who ends up on some bad teams and refuses to retire, trying to get one last ring. It's going to be sad. Except for the part where Brady is still rich, handsome and giving Belicheck his leftovers to bang.

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

I was hoping Brady would go out like Troy Aikmen. And then he could replace Joe Buck and they could force both of them to watch the footage of their careers getting ended. What a utopian world that would be.

eirishis said...

I would figure a Mormon girl during prom week would be busy as all hell - so many boys to go with...

Unsilent Majority said...

water water everywhere but not a drop to drink

The Big Picture said...

Bill's pissed at Tom that Brady is fucking his wife on the side...Matt Cassell is simply the good-guy of the group.

The Big Picture said...

Bill's pissed at Tom that Brady is fucking his wife on the side...Matt Cassell is simply the good-guy of the group.

Unknown said...

Mormon girls don't put out do they? In that case, they won't be going to the big dance..its part and parcel..you go to the prom, you put out afterwards..jesus as a male you should know this shit,its in the damn manual.

If someone does know a mormon girl that put out after the prom..let the folks over at guinness know.

Rusty said...

Tom Brady is God. Eff you, UM. Talk to me when Brunell has 3 rings (hahahahahahahahah...this is at you, not with you).

peytonloveskenny said...

Kurt Warner would like to let you know that Tom Brady is not God.

Unsilent Majority said...

rusty, bill b. said it, not me.
i love brady.