Monday, October 9, 2006

Football, Fatherhood, and You!: The Art Of Gay Flirting With Fellow NFL Fans

As the lone parent in the KSK gay mafia, I thought it might be a good idea to begin an occasional series about the NFL and fatherhood. Here you'll learn how to focus on being the best NFL fan you can be, while still maintaining the illusion of being a good parent. Today, we tackle the topic of bringing up football as a discussion point with men you do not know.

I went to my first baby birthday party the other day. This is when a baby turns one, and other parents and their babies are all invited to come over and passive aggressively determine whose baby is genetically superior. I knew no one at this party except for my wife and kid, but there was free beer and cake. So wild horses weren't going to stop me from going.

There were a handful of other fathers at the scene. I am nothing if not outgoing, so I headed over to the group of guys standing around the requisite ice bucket filled with Coors Light and Yuengling (the only thing that justifies Pennsylvania's existence). I immediately went into an in-depth discussion of parenting methods with one of them:

"So, you got two kids?"
"Uh huh."
"What's two like? I only have one."
"Oh, it's great."

NOTE: Long pause. The guy's kid walks by.

"So, your kid's walking?"
"Oh, yeah."
"How's that?"
"Oh, it's great..."

This was like a tennis match between two mannequins. It's a moment where the NFL's existence becomes so paramount. The NFL is the common bond that links us all together. Can religion do that? I think not! In order to have anything remotely resembling an actual conversation, I had to find a way to bring up the subject of football. Now, I could've just conjured that shit right up out of the blue. But then I risked exposing the other guy as a non-NFL fan.

There is nothing worse than talking to some guy you don't know, trying to bring up the NFL to spark some conversation, and then having the asshole pipe up, "Oh, I'm not really into sports." Not into sports? Then what do you do, asshole? Read? Pfft. That's fucking gay. If the guy had turned out to not like football, I would have had to cut off the conversation abruptly and leave him hanging. Or worse, I would have had to stay there and keep up our little game of cadaver racquetball.

There are ways around something like this. First off, if you attend one of these events and you are a male, you should immediately identify yourself as a football fan by donning the apparel of your favorite team. Doing so announces to other men that there is a path of conversation readily available to them. If this guy had been wearing a Redskin shirt, I could've said:

"So, you like the Redskins?"
"Oh, yeah."
"Pfft. The Redskins eat a chocolate cookie out of my ass."
"Hey fuck you, buddy."

And thus, a love affair would be born.

But what do you do if that isn't so apparent? In my case, the guy I was talking to was wearing a U-Maryland sweatshirt. Close enough. I asked him if he'd been to any Terp games. He said no, but his dad had season tickets to the Ravens. And off we went. Oh, the Ravens are good this year! Who did they beat the first week? Tampa! Hey, how about that gaywad Chris Simms losing his gay spleen? What a gay! You know who I like in that division? Carolina. Isn't that a unique stance? Hey, are you a fan of tits? Tits rock.

So I had it relatively easy. If he also played fantasy, I could've milked a solid six hours of discussion out of the guy. But if there's no clothing to tip you off, you can also do the following:

Bring up a game you went to a while back
Most awkward dad conversations include this gem of a question: "So, what have you guys been up to lately?" Now, you could answer honestly and say, "Well, the kid still shits her pants. I haven't gotten laid in two weeks. And last night I masturbated to a picture of Ali Larter in TV Guide. Twice. Oh, and I write for a blog. How about you?" But then you run the risk of being labeled The Creepy Husband, and no one wants that. But here's a perfect place to bring up a recent NFL event you attended. If the guy has no interest in turning the discussion to the NFL after that, your attempt at least won't look so blatant.

Find an ongoing NFL discussion and join in
Hanging around other people talking has its risks. If you can't find an opening, you wind up standing there with your fucking dick in your hand. But if you find guys talking about the NFL, it's fairly easy to hop right in. Don't be shy. "Joe Theismann is a fucking douchefucker." That'll get you off on the right foot!

"Got any weekend plans?"
Ask this question. Again, it's one of those completely empty conversational staples that don't lead anywhere. But if you ask one guy this, he'll almost always ask you the same thing back. Then you can go off:

"Eh, just hanging around with the kid. Having some beer. Think I'll watch the Vikings on Sunday. I like them this year, except for the fact that THEY HAD TO COME FROM 14 FUCKING POINTS DOWN IN THE FOURTH QUARTER AGAINST A LION TEAM THAT COULDN'T BEAT FUCKING WHITNEY HOUSTON! MOTHER FUCKING MOTHERFUCKS!!!!!"

Failing that, I strongly suggest drinking so much that things like conversation and making a good impression become irrelevant to you. It's one of my strong suits. Happy Parenting!

NOTE: On an unrelated tangent, students at Gallaudet U have been protesting their new school president for the past week or so. Let me tell you something: there is nothing funnier than watching someone getting super pissed off in sign language. They can't yell, so they "yell" via really emphatic hand movement. I watched footage of it on the news the other night and skipped beating it to Ali Larter altogether, I was laughing so goddamn hard. If anyone's got a YouTube of this, you have my undying loyalty.


Unsilent Majority said...

Drew, what do you need youtube for? how lazy are you? I work a block from Galludet, you should come down and hear (or see) all the action.

peytonloveskenny said...

A fucking douchefucker. Well said.

Anonymous said...

I usually let my wife bring up the fact that she's a football widow because I have Eagles tickets, and then all of the husbands who are in to football flock to me and all the women start henpecking me about tailgating all day...maybe this isn't the best strategy.

Lord Jorts said...


YouTube of this round of protests is not available yet...but, here is the high comedy of the NBC 4 report

And here is a YouTube of a protest from this summer complete with angry hand movements

Claude Balls said...

and all the women start henpecking me about tailgating all day

Do you think the the husbands of the henpeckers would object if you punched their wives midpeck? Oh, they might bluster some for appearance's sake, but would they really mind? Not if they are true football fans. Think about it; it would serve their ultimate interests for their wives to associate henpecking about football with a punch in the face. Really, you'd be doing them a favor.

I do not usually advocate violence against women, but c'mon, that's just bullshit.

doug_plank said...

I got a free Bears ticket for yesterday's game and my wife took our kids to birthday party at Gymkenetics(kids flying around on trampolines and falling in foam block pits).

It was awesome, and no grief either knowing I'm flying to AZ next week to see the Bears D line castrate Leinart.

Good times.

Shannon J. said...

I usually end up in a shouting match defending the Bengals...not a good kiddie party memory.

Lee S. Kowarski said...

I found this site with some video from the protests:

feep said...

crap, slow down, I'm trying to take notes... I have to go to one of these in a few weeks.

Gland Jupiter said...

The question "what sports do you want your kid(s) to play" seems to work. Even if they don't say football, you can say "how about football?" Or perhaps, "have you thought about football?" Or even, "I could get him a tryout for the Raiders".

If their kid's a girl, well, a little tougher, perhaps "when your daughter grows up, which NFL team would you like to see her sleep with?" Anyone who answers that question = true fan.

The Dude said...

Shit, being married and having a kid sucks.

Anonymous said...

I always end up tailgating with some clients, this way the tailgate and the game turns into "work." I have to put food on the table.

Claude Balls said...


All the more reason to punch those henpecking bitches. They're trying to take food out of your kids' mouths.

The Big Picture said...

it's a good thing there was free beer because this sounds like one of the most awkward fucking situations there is.

Otto Man said...

Sad but true.

I was at the birthday party for a friend's one-year-old last week, and was seated at a table -- seated, dammit! no chance of escape! -- alongside a mouthbreather from Lawn Guy Land. I overheard him say the words "Tatum Bell" and from then on, it was fantasy football talk for the rest of the party.

My wife actually thanked me for taking control of the conversation when we left.

SandisfieldStyleBBQ said...

You also know you're screwed when you're invited to a kid's birthday party that is scheduled in the middle of the day, on a Sunday, during football season, I hate that shit. Guaranteed that the other kid's Dad is a "not into sports guy" when that invitation is sent out. Saturday is kids birthday party day, Sunday is get drunk, high and BBQ day.

TroubleHelix said...

Solution: don't reproduce.
God i hate children

HofC said...

filed away for future use

btw, these rules tend to work at business events too (especially the last one)

Scrappled said...

Somebody doesn't go to a Maryland Terrapin football game? Really?

My brother has a one year old, and I'm sure he'll be reading this tomorrow. Oh, and a chocolate chip cookie is too good for every Redskin not named Clinton Portis.

shockofrecognition said...

Where did your 1yo get a bottle of Australia's finest lager?

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

While I don't have kids (probably a public service), these tips work great for other potentially awkward situations. For instance, when your girlfriend/wife's best friend has a new boyfriend and you "just have to meet him" or striking up a conversation with the other impatient men waiting for their women outside of a public restroom.

"Not into sports" guys are the absolute worst. Try carrying a conversation with one of these losers for more than 3 minutes. I guarantee you have an aneurysm.

8hrdrive said...

Living in Nascar country, I talked my wife into exemption from birthday parties all together. I hate Nascar, so this is good. She's such good wife.

Latent homosexuality litters Nascar conversations in every aspect. They go something like this: "If I were Dale Jr. I would have rearended that son of bitch in the ass....get er dun!" Ugh. Not long after this, the conversation turns to "thank god there are no *sic* (blacks) in Nascar. When I hear someone with the Dale Jr. shirt make this statement, and they always do, I get into trouble with the Nascar boys. Hence, my exemption from these parties.

I tell my wife, "you don't want me talking like that, do you?" The answer is always no.

I do go to one birthday party a year for entertainment purposes only. Plus, my wife has really hot friends. Lot of fantasy going on at that party. Oh, let's all go inside and see the new bedroom. Thank god for imagination.

doug_plank said...

Be careful 8hrdrive with those Nascar wives, I'm sure their husband/cousin would not appreciate the lust.

(banjo music)

Garthmeister J. said...

Good to see I wasn't the only person to recognise the Crown Lager bottle... Go Aussie!