Monday, October 16, 2006

KSK Gamebook: Week 6 Sunday Games

-This special edition of the Gamebook took place in beautiful downtown Manhattan at the Park Avenue Country Club (NOTE: This is a bar, not an actual country club. Otherwise, we would have seen Bill Simmons walking around.) Joining me for the 1PM and 4PM games was none other than our very own Matthew Ufford, aka Captain Caveman, which was fitting given the Polamalu hair pull.

-Drink count: 3 pitchers of beer, two pints, one Bloody Mary that was clearly made with V8, one plate of wings, one plate of fries. Call me soft and I'll fucking hit you. My wife and kid were in Germany for a week, so I spent the previous three days on a steady diet of drugs and alcohol to keep my mind limber. You try sitting on a bar stool (which is basically a high chair without the tray) for 6 six hours after debasing yourself so enthusiastically.

-One way in which the Park Ave. Country Club is the same as a regular country club: it has a bathroom attendant. There is no greater incongruity than seeing a bunch of guys in Eagles jerseys shaking the weasel with a bathroom attendant standing sentry. At 6:30, the guy had a grand total of about ten singles in his tip tray. NFL fans, apparently, are even cheaper asswipes than German tourists.

-CC and I both saw The Departed. We both agreed: there are plenty of plot holes in the movie, but the flick is so fucking badass that anyone who bothers to nitpick it should be hit in the face with a beer mug.

-Also agreed upon: High definition broadcasts are clearer than actual human eyesight. This completely fucks me up. If I watched the game live, it wouldn't be as clear as if I watched it in HD. I wasn't even stoned when I thought of this.

-Also agreed upon: A noticeable curbing of Manning-featured advertising. I work in advertising, so I know that advertisers will immediately pull any ad that tracks poorly. Which is what happens when your focus group research returns quotes like, "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, ANOTHER DIPSHIT FUCKING MANNING?! FUCK YOU IN THE PANTS, AD MAN!"

-When you go to the bar, and your favorite team isn't playing, you spend a lot of time trying to figure out which game to look at. I decided on 50% Eagles/Saints and 50% our appealingly thick-in-the-britches barmaid. Hey girl, my flattering glance will be your tip for the day. Bask in the glow.

-As the lone Seahawk fan in the house, Caveman was in the bittersweet position of watching his team kick an insanely long field goal to win a game (after two inexplicable running plays called by Holmgren with no timeouts left), then having no one else in the bar to celebrate it with. When that happens, you have to pump your fist and shout FUCK YEAH!!! and all that shit, and that's pretty much all you get. Sure, I high-fived him. But I'm sure a high-five from me is about as gratifying as a pity hand job from the one fat chick you knew in college.

-The day's other highlight was watching the Skins lose. If you live down in DC, you figure out pretty quickly how Dan Snyder got the way he is. Every Redskin fan down here is an imperious douchebag that believes the team owes him something. Sorry UM, but sometimes the truth needs to be pinched out.

-Also on hand at the bar: Coors Light promo girls, scantily attired and handing out Silver Tickets (which our waiter promptly tossed out) and offering free t-shirts if we posed for pictures in them (NOTE: This offer was made to everyone in the bar, not just Y-List blogging celebrities!)

-The bar also featured a healthy amount of Giant fans. At first, I didn't get this. Giant fans, your team is on local TV. You can watch it at home for free, on your couch. You can even jack it at the half. Why would you drop $40 on shitty beer and crummy bar food? But then I realized that, every time I turned to watch the Giants play, Eli Manning would throw a pass three feet high of his intended target. So perhaps you need the support of a group to deal with the prospect of ten more years of that shit.

-Another staple of bar football viewing: The Overreaction. This happens when a receiver appears to have caught a long pass, and every fan of that team stands up and goes batshit. But then, the ball is clearly dropped, and everyone must sit back down like nothing ever happened. Or, they'll put their hands behind their head and do the "I can't fucking believe that shit" thing. Either way provides maximum awkwardness and douchebaggery.

-Two other thrilling finishes included the Saints beating the Eagles in a very non-flukey manner. With four great skill position players and a good QB, the Saints are able to execute long drives and keep pressure off their defense, which in turn has grown more confident from the support. That'll serve them well when they abandon the disadvantaged blacks of New Orleans for the vacant pussy of LA.

The other great finish was Michael Clayton's last-second TD grab, which, in a nifty bit of irony, robbed the Bengals of a victory. The winning pass was thrown by Bruce Gradkowski, who totally looked like my pot dealer from Friday night. That's the difference between the Bucs and Bengals. The Bucs only look like drug dealers.


Rob I said...

Don't knock yourself, you're most definitely M-list blogging celebs.

Also, I'm gonna eat your children in fantasy football.

BoSox Siobhan said...

At FedEx Field, I sadly had no one with whom to celebrate when the Titans won. Even worse? I only got dirty looks from the redneck crowd of Skins' fans. No one so much as cursed at me for hating the home team. Pussies.

flubby said...

everyone be quiet, Alfonso Ribeiro is talking

moinllieon said...

*Checks own skin color.... still Asian*

So yeah, Infernal Affairs, Infernal Affairs, Infernal Affairs, Infernal-fucking-Affairs.

I've said my peace. Good movies both, because my Triad brothers tell me so.

moinllieon said...

Breaking news, there are white people in Hollywood!

BoSox Siobhan said...

Yawn. Honestly.

swing4 said...

Last I checked, Jews were considered to be white, and Mo Clarrett was scared enough of the Israeli Mob to pack several automatic weapons, body armor, and a fucking hatchet when he had to deal with them. See how I brought football into it, because this is a football blog? I think most of readers around here are more concerned with which team’s offensive line is more intimidating, than with which race, ethnicity, US state, or foreign country has the most intimidating organized crime syndicate…and I say that as a half-Italian, half-Irish girl from Philly. So, please take your argument somewhere else. Siobhan and I have some decorating to do around here and you are getting in our way.

Captain Caveman said...

What Siobhan said.

Unsilent Majority said...

Last I checked, Jews were considered to be white

FUCK YOU! Don't ever call me white again.

Oh and Drew, when I get back from Palm Springs I'm going to rape you with a cactus.

swing4 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
swing4 said...

Just to be clear, the point I was trying to make is that serious disagreements about ethnically and racially violent stereotypes, and representations in popular culture, are probably better suited to a site dedicated to something other than NFL humor. I apologize for doing that in a clumsy manner, which may have given the impression that I meant to support one side or the other. I think you are both/all morons.

Captain Caveman said...

LBF: Drew, like a true Manhattan douchebag, nixed my 200 Fifth proposal.

swing4 -- You are correct. Discussions about race: serious, important. Kissing Suzy Kolber: unimportant, not serious.

Unsilent Majority said...

swing, nobody cares about your called me white and now i'm going to kill myself

thope said...

Please tell me you left out the part about CC shouting "Fire in the hole!" and throwing 40s against the wall after the Seahawks won.

swing4 said...

UM -- You're in Palm Springs and didn't put out the call for a West Coast KSK Fieldtrip? You deserve to die. I look forward to watching the video of the event on YouTube.

Vee said...

I don't care what color you are, how hard your neighborhood was, or how many years your pop is doing at Ryker's.

You're blogging on the internet on a Monday night. Now get a good night's sleep- your office co-workers will thank you.

JoSCh said...

Is bigo a person of color? Huh, who would've thunk it. Oh, and Hilltop is soft, has been since the renamed K street MLK, because that is what renaming streets to MLK does, it placates the natives. You want scary, try Hillcrest, in San Diego. Scary.

Bad Barbecue said...

Something about the "mean streets" of San Diego and Seattle just seems, well, a little silly. I think there are places in the southeast and northeast, you'd find the "normal streets" to be more than a west coaster could handle. Reminds me of being in Denmark, meeting a girl who's boyfriend was tough because he was in the Hell's Angels. Not too much intimidating about a Danish Hell's Angel or a gangster from Seattle, relatively speaking.

JoSCh said...

Sorry, should've provided a Hillcrest link. Its funny because I'm gay bashing. Get it.

Bad Barbecue said...

My apologies. You'll forgive me, I hope.

You see in the lineage of intimidating groups in American history it goes: First pirates; then they were supplanted by Tories; then there were the James gang and Black Bart; then the Klan; then the Irish mafia and the more popular Italian mafia; then inner city gangs; then the Russian Mafia; then Al Quaida. And I think we're back to pirates.

Not to exclude more recent localized groups, like your trench coat gangs, Montana mtn. men, Houston CEO's, etc.

I personally fear hitchhikers as a group.

Seattle street corner guy just doesn't hold high esteem on list these days. But he'll come back around, everything does.

Damn now I'm bored with this.