Tuesday, October 3, 2006

The Eagles Fan's Guide To Projectile Weaponry

As you well know, it's TO Week in Philly, as Dr. Kevorkian's latest muse joins the Cowboys to take on the Eagles on Sunday. And while we at KSK certainly don't endorse something as tasteless as throwing objects onto the field, we're certainly looking forward to exactly that occurring. After all, we're illegitimate pseudo-journalists here. And journalists root for the story, people. And I can't think of a better story to root for than "Owens impaled by upper deck trident throw."

Philadelphians, you have been presented with a golden opportunity to create a landmark moment in the history of sporting violence. You'll have the chance to join Piston fans; ice-throwing Giant fans; record-burning, Hitler-emulating White Sox fans; and unimaginative bottle-throwing Browns fans in the pantheon of sports fans who disgrace their city and their team, while entertaining me and my lack of shame in the process. You possess that all-too-rare combo of stupidity and obliviousness to pull it off. Imagine how deeply Joe Buck would furrow his brow at you.

But what of your arsenal? What can you throw at TO from the stands, while drunk, that has the best chance of being A) On target, B) Somewhat clever, and C) Egregiously harmful? Well, before we consider what you can throw, let's consider what you can't throw, according to the banned items list at Lincoln Financial Field:

-No outside alcohol
-No animals (which is too bad, because I'd like to throw a cat on the field just as the injury cart rolls into the tunnel)
-No bags larger than 12x12x12" (my scrotum excepted)
-No bottles and cans (and just clap your hands and just clap your hands...)
-No thermoses (Too bad, because liquid makes things heavy.)
-No food not wrapped in clear plastic (because confusing egg salad with plastique explosive is something a security guard would excel at)
-No beverages
-No hard-sided coolers (that means you, Igloo)
-No umbrellas
-No fireworks, firearms and weapons of any kind (But what of Brian Westbrook? What a weapon!)
-No footballs (Not even Hutches, which is too bad. When I was a kid, there were kids who could throw a Hutch so hard it gave you a fucking aneurysm. I was not one of them.)
-No laser pointers (You'll upstage Costanza!)
-No noisemakers (And seriously, noisemakers are gay. They ruin every New Year's party. You're gonna sneak one into a football game? Will you also be sneaking in your Delbert McClinton record collection?)
-No signs or flags on sticks or poles (It's the sticks and poles they probably care about the most.)
-No strollers (which means you'll need the Baby Bjorn if you want to double-fist)
-No video cameras and video capable cell phones (They wouldn't want you overtaking NFL Films!)
-No throwing objects (Doesn't this constitute everything?)
-No any other item or action deemed dangerous or inappropriate (Again, this could mean anything. Particularly if the object happens to be in the hands of Jeff Speakman, the perfect fucking weapon.)

So there's your banned items list. Now, let's all put on both our thinking caps and our imagination caps, to concoct a list of utterly stupid things to throw at TO's monstrous vagina:

The staple of brain-dead fans the world over, batteries are often thrown because of their size relative to their weight. A 5-year-old girl could take out a testicle with a battery, which is why so many weak-armed fans rely on them.

But what size battery do you use? Most people use AA's, since that's what's in their portable radios. You could lob a D TO's way, but what do you conceal it in? No way they let flashlights in. Do you go all "Maria Full of Grace" and smuggle it through your digestive tract? Or what if you used one of those little round dipshit batteries that come with your Snoopy Tennis Game & Watch? No dice. Know why? Because that game was like fucking crack, that's why. Let's forgo batteries altogether for something a bit more imaginative.

This isn't Detroit. TO won't just go laying on a railing right next to you. The beer will spray out of the cup long before it hits the ground. No way they're letting you keep plastic bottle for this game. And remember, no outside alcohol permitted. That means you paid eight bucks for that piss warm Chango. At that price, I'd drink it, throw up into my cup, and then toss that. It's heavier. A plastic lid might contain it for another split second.

Prescription Bottles
This will be the chic thing for fans to throw on Sunday. My tip: fill the bottle with water when you go to take a piss (or better yet, piss into it), and then throw it. That way, you get the weight of a battery, while showing a bit more panache. Eagles fans, I cannot implore you enough: if you're dumb enough to throw a prescription bottle onto the field, you're also probably dumb enough to leave the label (with your contact info) on the bottle as well. For God's sake, remove the label. Or use your father's empty Lipitor bottle.

Most stadium food is too light (in weight, not in calories) to make for good weaponry. Maybe the soft pretzels, if they're stale enough (And here come the pretzels!), and they always are. Otherwise, you're in hot dog and nacho land. Maybe a tightly wrapped burger would work, but what harm would that do?

A Shoe
Who throws a shoe? Honestly?

DVD of 1988 Suicide Drama Permanent Record
I like the fact that it's obscure, which will impress at least one other person in the stadium. Plus, you'd be thinking of an alternative, better use for Keanu Reeves' movies, and that makes you innovative! And deep! From the Amazon plot synopsis:

When David Sinclair, a popular and talented high school student commits suicide, his best friend Chris takes over many of his responsibilities; from the school production of "HMS Pinafore" to caring for his family, and soon finds himself under the same pressures.

So true. So fucking true, man. Plus, a DVD box is made of hard plastic, and those corners can easily snatch an eye.

Any Nick Drake CD (in jewel case)
Drake committed suicide by overdosing on pills, which makes him a better fit than tossing a Nirvana record. Then just hop in your VW and hightail it outta there, you hip fucker you!

I suggest hurling your own waste in a paper bag, to avoid getting your hands dirty and to ensure a fecal explosion upon impact. One issue: feces contain your DNA. And, as noted above, possibly corn.

I don't actually suggest throwing this, but I've never understood why fans don't bring whistles to games. Imagine it: TO catches a pass and is running in the open field. You blow your whistle. He assumes the play was blown dead. He stops and turns around. And then he, in turn, is blown dead by an oncoming linebacker. And your work is done. Sleep easy.

Any Hemingway Novel
Our nada, who art in nada. Nada be thy name. Thy kingdom nada, thy will be nada, in nada, as it is in nada. Give us this nada our daily nada to take out TO's front teeth, because he's a fucking douche.

And there's your list. But I am no master of aerodynamics, like Wormser. This list is merely the tip of the iceberg. Let fly with your suggestions in the comments.

And remember, Eagles fans, the world's sports columnists are counting on you. They don't think you have the class to sit politely and just cheer for your team. So give them the smug satisfaction of knowing they're right.


Intentional Safety said...

In the Pats/Jets game, there was a fan in the stands with a whistle. The play was (we thought) blown dead before the snap, but after an interminable conference, the refs finally said that there was no foul. Turns out it was some idiot in the stands with a whistle. Probably that jackass in the fireman hat.

Rob I said...

What? I didn't have any corn!

TheBigO said...

What happened to good old fashioned rocks, are they out of style or some shit? When I was a kid they were the projectile of choice for young thugs everywhere.

Christmas Ape said...

Caveman's references Ryan Adams, Drew does Nick Drake - I'm going with Elliott Smith in my next post, by gum.

-cn said...

What happened to lauching opposing team fans out of the upper deck? I swear we've done that before.


BoSox Siobhan said...

CA - those are some of my faves. But don't forget Jeff Buckley. Or Lloyd Cole.

thope said...

For those close enough to the field, old TO Eagles jerseys would be good. Not like their gonna be worn, ever. But how to weigh them down for maximum flight? Soaked in beer/urine?

HighburyGoon said...

Could always go the Italian soccer fan route and launch flares at him. Actually, I bet that would look awesome on TV.

Scrappled said...

The solution here is rather obvious.

Pill bottle, sans prescription label, filled with nickels. It accomplishes everything that we Philly fans are looking for -- a great visual with the pill bottle, the weight and maiming potential of a bettery, and a minimal personal expense (let's face it, who wants to throw 20 quarters away?).

And you're a little off on the obliviousness / stupidity of Philadelphia fans. Sure, we're stupid, but due to the lack of championship validation, our felonious jackassery is all we have and there's an unspoken, drunken undercurrent to Philadelphia fans that makes us want to perpetuate our awful reputation.

So there. Suck it, Terrell.

Raskolnikov said...

Burn a copy of Closer by Joy Division and throw it frisbee style at him.

doug_plank said...

Golf balls?

Nothing says I hate you more than a couple hundred Titlest raining down on your suicidal head.

The best would be from what I the master of fan interaction the WWF.

Kevin Nash took the prothesis leg off a a fan and beat Shawn Michaels over the head with it.

Any one willing to part with a fake arm or leg? I will chip on replacement.

Scrappled said...

I prefer Nash casually throwing Rey Mysterio about 12 feet into a trailer like he was a lawn dart.

I miss college and Monday nights.

Grimey said...

Can't somebody commandeer a T-shirt gun for this? It worked on Maude Flanders....

Danny said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Danny said...

PHILLY SUCKS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Cowboys - 24
Eagles - 3

Unsilent Majority said...

2 words: belt buckle

Unsilent Majority said...


mmmm 120 minute ipa...

Cate Morrison said...

i don't know about "danny's" suggestion, RE: projectiles. throwing humorless insults will probably only make TO stronger.

how's about 500 copies of the police report, bound together? that much truth would hurt like a bitch.

swing4 said...

Panties with my phone number in them. What's that? Oh, at a football game? Disregard...wrong venue.

TheBigO said...

Phone #, a skid mark, and fresh yeast is something you will probably see in the panties of the philly faithful.

Swing4, I hope that said panties & phone # couldn't be mistaken for a parachute with an advertisement on it.

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

A T.O. shit-flag could be appropriate and easy to make after several cheese stakes before the game. All this requires is an old T.O. jersey, a rubber band, and an irritable bowel. First, shit in the jersey (preferably in the middle, and you should probably pinch it off mid-deuce). Then wrap the jersey around it and rubber band the poop in the bottom, making it look like a giant penalty flag. Finally, let it fly Philly!!!

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

*cheese steaks

TheBigO said...

Ah fuck, why did you change it? A cheese stake sounded delicious.


swing4 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Christian said...

there are some good suggestions here, but why not just fill ziploc bags with Urine? Clear ziploc bags seem to be fine, and won't be detected in a patdown.. They are heavy, gross, easy to smuggle in, and can be filled, and thrown from the stands along with the prescription bottles filled with nickles...

John said...

throw what you like...

it won't matter when the Cowboys are kicking the snot out of the eagles

good luck, and place your bets...

Sandman said...

What about his book. Doesn't matter which one just pick one. I guess however, that means you actually have to buy it...hmmm better yet steal the book from someone who has it (some punk, wannabe 15 year old with a bad mustache and an eye for Eminem this would be the time of person to have TO's book just for looks though, Lord knows he can't read), its Philly how hard can it be to find one of these people.

Then set it on fire, because everything is better on fire (its paper it will burn) and as someone suggested earlier frisbee style it onto the field.

Extra points if the fire ignites some of the paint/grass on the field and causes a large field fire!

doug_plank said...

The Cowboys are the most over rated team in the NFL. It took Roethlisberger to crash his motorcycle and an apendectemy to make look as half as brain dead and immobile as Drew Bledsoe.

Yeah bring on Romo.


Marco said...

Sitting in the Vet when JD Drew made his return to Philly after refusing to sign with the Phillies, I can assure you that TO is going to be seeing plenty of Durecells on Sunday


I can't wait to see the DRAMA this Sunday. I want to see what my people have in store for this DICK. Just to think this man thought that he had problems last week, bad enough to OD. Right...that was an accident, like Texas would ever admit any football plaYer had a problem. The Dallas Police Department could have found T.O. hanging from a rope and somehow it would still not have been a Suicide, it would be an accident. Philly is going to BRING IT ON !!!!! Go Birds!

Andrew said...

remember this? Good times. good times. ha ha.

Raje said...

Remember this? Michael Irvin might not. Maybe the Eagles can bring back Timmy Hauck for Sunday's game.

Matt said...

We already shot off a flare gun one Monday Night game a few years ago. We also pelted Jimmy Johnson with snowballs. I don't think the Linc has a courtroom like the Vet did. I think this makes us more civilized now.

JoSCh said...

Bottles RAWK! I don't care what anyone says. And I can appreciate the pill bottle filled with nickels. Why they didn't schedule this in the winter I'll never know.

Blogger User said...

Classless = Philly fans. Sports karma, dudes, sports karma. When was the last Philly championship? Oh, that's too bad. Keep cheering injuries and throwing batteries.

SteveJeltzFan said...

Right, adit, that's why the lack of championships.

Because certainly the White Sox never won a championship after two of their fans attacked Gamboa.

And the NY Giants fans, those pillars of morality, never had a snowball incident that resulted in 14 arrests, 175 ejections and 15 injuries (12/95 vs SD, thanks Kid Canada for the heads up)

Oh, and I'm holding my kid's first birthday in the bleachers at Yankee Stadium, cuz that place is just filled with super happy fun clowns.

Philadelphia does not have a monopoly on moronic fan behavior.

If anything, Philadelphia fans are passionate - perhaps more than any other town. But passion is a two-way street and Philly fans drive on both sides.

Blogger User said...

Whatever man. If you want to say that other teams that have had championships are classless too, so be it. It doesn't really prove anything. There are rowdy, drunk fans in the nosebleeds at every game. They don't cheer on injuries and throw batteries, though. There's passionate and there's downright moronic.

I was only half joking about the sports karma thing.

chaz said...

8527 days, 11 hours, 0 minutes, and 14 seconds have passed since a major Philadelphia sports team won a championship!


doorcrusher said...

I think the best thing we could do as Eagles fans is show up with all those TO Jersey's, walk to the end of the isles and throw them on the field, maybe wrap his book in the jersey. TO needs to know not only are we pissed, but we are hurt.

He never truly understood what his actions resulted in and I don't think he ever will.

I don't think hurting him physically does justice, but I do like the pill bottle idea. TO wants attention, he'll get it on Sunday. GO EAGLES and to every fan, I'll be watching and waiting for the spectacular moment when our voice is heard.

gone said...

I am flying all the way across the country and bringing my pops for his 60th bday to see this game. I for one want to see TO leveled by Philly.

I've been sitting here all morning trying to think of something good to throw at him...

Instead, I say we drop a goal post on him - right when he is lining up, someones just get down on the field, push the goal post over, and BLAM. Problem solved.

Diablo Panochero said...

You want to talk about an NFL team that's over-rated?

How bout 24,27,31 and 32. Those are the total defense rankings for the Eagles first four "opponents".

Eagles fans are the drunkest, brokest, dumbest douche bags on two legs and deserve every bit of misery their shit bag sports teams hand them.

They're jerking off so furiously at the thought of "the player" coming back this Sunday they're liable to do permanant damage. Which is fine, since it's long been my opinion that Eagles fans shouldn't be allowed to procreate anyway.

I just wish I could be there when the TO thing is no longer the story, and the fact that you just got your asses handed to you by his new team is.

MP said...

You insult Philly fans by assuming, even for a second, that:
A) They won't smuggle in some forbidden item anyway;
B) They won't think of those things to throw in the first place;
C) They'll actually let the game go on.

This could really be a rare moment where the fans disrupt a game and it is forfeited to the Cowboys. But we'll see.

fghf said...

It warms this Cowboy fan's heart to see you guys so bent out of shape. Thanks for the laughs.


Texas Oil Bid'ness

Big Smooth said...

i can't wait to see the suicidal looks on your stupid ass faces when t.o. scores two touchdowns in your dump of a town. no wonder he left you rotten shit hole city. we in dallas just laugh at you spending the week trying to figure out how to get your shit in a brown paper bag while we polish our 5 super bowl trophies. what a bunch of dumb idiots you are. there's a reason your teams will never win a championship of any kind and it starts with the fact that you are a bunch douche bags that where big merkins on your heads.

baby arm

FuckDallas said...

Dallassholes - As a preliminary matter, you morons gave the world George W Bush and the multitude of mishaps and atrocities that have followed...so shut your fucking mouths and show some contrition - you are in no place to question the wisdom of a city that overwhelmingly voted to put the kibosh on the Madness of King George...twice! We shit on a very deserving TO for 1 day, you shit on the world for 8 years. Fuck you, you easily-duped lemmings, you mental midgets. You might have 5 superbowl trophies...that would be about equal to the number of intelligent, free-thinking individuals in your hypersanitized wannabe psuedo-metropolis. So you have nothing to brag about. Oh, and in case you want to eat your hypocrisy a little bit - Troy Aikman is a big-time fudgepacker.

Secondly - frozen paintballs. lots of them. The visual and physical effect will be stunning. Eagles green, no doubt.

A thought: If we fill prescription bottles with ball bearings, it would certainly add an extra sting, especially if the bottle broke.

Maybe bleach in the pill bottles...that would burn.

The trouble with tossing feces or urine is that it's bound to hit the crowd, unless thrown from very close range. Don't we shit on our own enough in Philly?

If anyone has any leftover concrete from the Vet, it would be a nice gesture for posterity's sake.

We could throw screws @ TO, because lord knows he screwed Philly.

One more thing: Fuck Dallas.

Diablo Panochero said...

edvedvLet me see....we Dallas fans are easily duped lemmings, mental midgets...you Philly fans are intelligent, free-thinking individuals...yet there is only one of us here who is contemplating whether to throw shit, piss, bleach or concrete on another human being.

You're just proving our point, you witless douchebag.

PS George is a carpet bagger, dumbass. He's not a Texan, he's from Connecticut.

Matt said...

Although I don't have much against T.O. personally (I'm an SF fan so I still have good memories of him before he went completely psycho), if I really wanted to make him feel bad, I'd get an advance copy of his children's book and throw that onto the field with all of his grammatical and punctuation errors circled in red pen. That'd show him.

Anonymous said...

You might want to throw some decent players down to the Eagles. They need help.