Tuesday, October 24, 2006

KSK Visits Indianapolis, Neither Will Ever Be the Same...Part 2

Welcome to Part 2 of my field trip to Indianapolis. For Part 1 simply scroll down...dumbass.

The RCA Dome...tick tick tick
  • This was the first time I’ve ever watched the Redskins play in an opponent's stadium, it felt like a college game. The Dome is tiny and the seats are as close to Fenway’s as my ass has seen, except for the upper deck (only two levels?) which is done in a bleacher motif.
  • They showed designs for their new stadium that our drunken fratboy neighbor assured us would look just like the Roman Coliseum despite the fact that it’s a rectangle made of steel with a clay colored facade.
  • The in-stadium entertainment made me want to put out a Monte Cristo in each of my eyes while simultaneously jamming lit firecrackers into my ear canals.
  • First they had an act that would have been pretty funny had it not been so blatantly staged. A few cheerleaders and the disturbing mascot (it had a hot pink mane and tail and it rode a Segway) began dancing around a stadium cop (who happened to not be wearing a gun belt). He quickly joined in with some seriously white-bread break dancing to the delight of more than I would have expected.
  • The singing was was pretty terrifying. The National Anthem was performed by four members of the Future Farmers of America. I can’t remember much of their singing, I was much more engrossed by their resemblance to the Children of the Corn.
  • Whoever runs the DJ booth at the Dome is probably a member of the AARP (or maybe Indy is like Bulgaria where they get American music on a 15 year delay). The only thing worse than the early 90’s dance music was the incessant wave of country that had one of our neighbors head-banging her feathered hair away.

The Unwashed Masses

  • I’ve never been surrounded by fans who were overtly passionate about their team yet completely ignorant to every other aspect of the game (i.e. the rule book and other teams).
  • A middle aged man behind me was infuriated when Indy got flagged for roughing after swiping Brunell across the facemask. When he screamed that it should have been a five yard facemask penalty I couldn’t help myself. I tried to inform him that any contact to qb’s helmet resulted in a personal foul, he claimed the facemask wasn’t part of the helmet. Then I rubbed my temples for a few minutes.
  • When Philip Daniels turned Peyton a human slingshot one of the louder Colts supporters looked like he was going to have a brain hemorrhage. Then for one fleeting minute their blood-curdling screams of outrage had me convinced that they were going to storm the field and beat Daniels to death. For a brief moment I questioned whether or not to cheer the legal hit...when I did it felt gooood.
  • I began to feel ill around the time the fans did their C-O-L-T-S chant. This was immediately followed by a fellow Redskins fan doing the Jets version while i performed the Eagles version for the first time in my life. Then a trio straight out of the trailer park tried to get our section to do the wave. Their originality is beyond reproach.
  • There were a couple of fans who stuck out more than any other in my section. One was a guy I'm guessing was around 20 or so, he was wearing a powder blue Chargers jersey. When I jokingly told him how pretty it was he took it as a compliment; then again he was also wearing matching diamond earrings. When the crowd reacted to a big play by former Colt Marcus Washington he asked, "Who is he?" Upon further investigation I was able to discover that he's from Indy but is a fan of the Chargers and mostly the Bears. When I informed him that my Skins had Super Bowls than all three of his teams combined he also claimed allegiance to the Bulls (I'm still not sure why). He later declared himself to just be lucky to be born in Indianapolis; I'm pretty sure that's the first time anybody has ever uttered that sentiment.
  • Although ignorance seemed to be the most prevalent trait amongst my section of fans, it was not the funniest. Sitting next to my buddy Hench Gus Alex was the drunk I mentioned in the earlier post. At least I think he was drunk, he may have been drinking novocaine based on his speaking ability. He spent 90% of the entire game on his cellphone relaying the play by play and a ton of shit talk to his buddies back at the frat house. It was one of the strangest and most annoying things I've ever seen a fan do at a football game (but I was still laughing my ass off). I'm sure he woke up in a gutter with a bad hangover and a crippling phone bill. On the plus side he had a neckbeard that would make Kyle Orton weep in appreciation.
That about does it for my thoughts on Indianapolis, I would have liked to talk to some of the fans after the game but they began flooding out at the two minute warning. Apparently all that meth wasn't just gonna cook itself.

Perhaps it needs to be explicitly stated that this is a humor site and a lot of what is written here is satirical in nature. Most of my experiences in Indianapolis were great, I met some very friendly and knowledgeable fans and residents. I'm merely playing up some of the cities oddities and faults that you could find almost anywhere. By no means to I purport DC to be some sort of utopia, far from it. So try to not take this as some sort of personal vendetta against your city...and yes of course I'm a bitter Washington fan (I thought at least that much was obvious).


Rob I said...

I don't know which is funnier...the hayseed fans or UM trying to reason with them.

Unsilent Majority said...

dammit, where was the party? I was trying to get the lowdown on afterhours drinking...my camera was dissapointed

Unsilent Majority said...

God I wish I saw more people like Comanda in Indy.

Otto Man said...

Am I the only one who's never even heard of Lucas Oil? Is its CEO named Darth Cheney?

And ryta: Lighten up, Francis.

Unsilent Majority said...

I'd never heard of Lucas Oil either, but I imagine Corey Feldman is prominently involved. The team is also sponsored by a fastfood place called Rally that I'd never seen before (although they have the exact same logo as Checkers).

Trader Rick said...

Rally's is to Checkers as Hardee's is to Carl's Jr, if that helps. If not, they're the same. You can get a Big Buford at either one.

Unsilent Majority said...

Thees as a player is fine. Thees in the booth is a different person.

In addition to the lack of situational understanding that wunderlichin' mentioned above I was confused by the need for everybody in the third row to stand up at all times. This forced everybody to stand and before I knew it we were the only section in the stadium standing...and it was a timeout.

swing4 said...

I just hope this isn't foreshadowing for the NFL's return to LA.

Unsilent Majority said...

I'd rather have a team in Indy

Landru said...

Your work on Indianapolis is fundamentally sound but lacks a certain...oh yeah. It lacks any measure of Steelers-bashing. Please correct this critical deficiency.

And it's nice to meet you too, ryta. Please feel free to return to whatever holler you crawled up out of.

Unsilent Majority said...

Not the whole "top three most dangerous cities"/murder rate/drug trafficking thing.

That's DC's character baby!
...although we don't do much trafficking around here (more of a buy/sell town).

Unsilent Majority said...

lots of nakedness? so is it true that your womenfolk have sidewise vaginas?

Otto Man said...

Here's the thing -- if you have to look hard for the cool spots, or take a 30 minute cab ride to get there, or ask around for some hidden secret place that's cool, well, your city's not cool. That's like saying she's a really hot chick once you get to know her personality. Nope.

Indianapolis is cool like Milhouse. His Mom thinks he's cool, but no one else agrees.

Claude Balls said...

Uhh, UM, that was Cory Haim in Lucas.

And why all the hate for white people, particularly those not from a major metropolis?

Unsilent Majority said...

all these years and i'm still mixing up those two fucktards.

I don't hate (all) white people, I just like to see a little bit of diversity at my sporting events.

pmk3 said...

Easy on Charlotte there Mike Zordan. And keep in mind that my QB has been to a super bowl and your QB's name might as well be Ray Finkle once it comes playoff time.

Additionally, your team plays in a dome, which automatically gives all of your players a 99 on the madden pussification rating.

Unsilent Majority said...

That's the spirit!

Anonymous said...

Why would you even notice or care what color other fans are? If that's one of the main things you notice at a game, you may be thinking a bit too much about race.

Steven said...

Meh. I do not have the passion to defend my city. It's okay, for those of us who like things low key.

However, I need to make mention of the DJ- earlier this year, the DJ was playing the normal tracks you hear at every stadium, but with the explicit lyrics intact.

You might get away with that on the east coast, but in the heartland we frown upon them naughty words those mischevious rappers be usin'.

I haven't been to a game since then, but prior to that the music was decent. I figured someone would get the ax for that, and apparently they replaced him with a typical hoosier.

Last thing, say what you want about our team and city, but somehow we manage victories without a 700 page playbook. Now I will return to work in comfort remembering my team's quarterback isn't Mark Brunell.