Tuesday, October 10, 2006

It's Called the Big Bad O, City of Players On the Go

It’s waaaay to early for anybody to be thinking about the draft…unless your name is Mel Kiper Jr. or you work for the Oakland Raiders. While most teams are spending the middle portion of the season perfecting their schemes and adding plays to their repertoire the Raiders are already looking towards their future failures.

I was honored when Al Davis himself requested a breakdown of possible options for the Raiders to draft 201 days from today. I've targeted a handful of players that Mr. Davis might want to consider with pros and cons for each. Of course each of the following players could make for good first round selections...unless they become Raiders.

1. Brady Quinn QB Notre Dame
According to all the experts he's as "Can't Miss" as it gets. Don't you wish you could go back in time and draft Tim Couch?


  • He's not affraid to launch the ball deep, as we know, that's all you need in a quarterback
  • Flourishes under top notch coaches (this only counts if you hire one)
  • All the ladies seem to love him, which means you'll get the national exposure and endorsment tie-ins that you've wanted ever since your team was winning (if the dementia is getting bad you may want to watch NFL Films...you didn't always play like the jayvee team at Galludet).
  • Possibly Gay
  • Definately fucktarted

2. Joe Thomas OT Wisconsin
This guy's been a fixture on everybody's draft sheet for a couple of years. He's massive and he dominates the Big 11.

  • If Andrew Walter is the future somebody has to protect him, (seriously, those fans are going to kill him) Thomas is plenty big enough to get the job done
  • You drafted him two years ago, his name was Robert Paulson Gallery and he's spent most of his time on all fours
  • The name Joe Thomas makes him sound like the slow-witted cousin that deflowered the Wendy's girl

3. Quentin Moses DE Georgia
This passrusher should help to ease the pressure on Warren Sapp and whatever other CFL castoffs you call a line.

  • Georgia has produced some excellent defensive players in the past few years
  • Possibly Jewish
  • Might lead your team around the desert for 40 years

4. Jeff Samardzija WR Notre Dame

This deceptively white receiver has all the skills to replace Jerry Porter.

  • Makes all the tough catches that Randy pretends not to see
  • Long hair and fair skin will endear him to your fanbase
  • You'll never spell or say his name correctly
  • He's a Cubs pitcher, which means one more year until Tommy John comes calling
  • Randy Moss might shank him in the weightroom

5. Tom Zbikowski S Notre Dame

This guy wouldn't make a lot of sense so early...but when has that stopped you?

  • He could beat the shit out of any player on your roster
  • He would probably just beat the shit out of Art Shell
  • He'd wind up breaking the jaw of your only good young player (Huff) just to win his job

6. Michael Bush RB Louisville

This guy would have run away with the Heisman if it weren't for that pesky snapped leg.

  • Not practicing would probably make him a great fit for the Raider philosophy
  • Unlike Lamont he doesn't need a four foot wide hole to move the sticks
  • That broken leg might slow him down a tad

Okay, maybe it's not looking like such a great crop of #1 talent, but maybe Al should have thought about that before cutting Jeff "Winning is Everything" George. I have no doubt that whoever the Raiders tap as their next franchise player will wind up in therapy, rehab, or prison. Obviously this is why I have no problems pushing the Notre Dame guys towards the Bay. Since their ill-fated Super Bowl trip the Raiders have alternated sucking and blowing like the Mega Maid. I just hope that whomever they draft keeps up their storied tradition.

Which unfortunate soul do you see wearing a Raider uniform next year?...and forget about Troy Smith, Al Davis doesn't seem to be down with the black quarterback these days.


The Big Picture said...

i feel like calvin johnson of georgia tech is too good for the raiders. they'd likely pass on him and draft reggie ball instead. whoops.

Signal to Noise said...

Brady Quinn will force a trade to GB when they pick so his sister doesn't have to have divided loyalties between him and her blond lunkhead linebacker hubby.

Al has an addiction to wide receivers. Either it's Samardzija or Ted Ginn, Jr.

Unsilent Majority said...

Johnson is too good for the raiders, no question...ginn is overrated.

Unsilent Majority said...

because it's directed to al davis's perspective

Raskolnikov said...

I was almost ready to give Samardzija the last black scholarship to Harvard. Deceptively white ... hilarious.

Unsilent Majority said...


flubby said...

+1 for thebigo

Awful Announcing- said...

When did Oakland get an NFL team?

the rude sports pundit said...

I don't like Brady Quinn. I don't lke his name, I don't like anything about him...