Tuesday, October 31, 2006

KSK Gamebook: Pats-Vikes on MNF

Before I start the Gamebook, I wanted to note that I watched some of "Football Night in America" on Sunday night. This was the first time I saw it. Usually, I'm eating dinner when it's on. I'm not missing anything. Here's a quote from Jerome Bettis I heard:

No one's talking about the Colts. When Peyton Manning is on the field, he gives that team a chance to win. Look out for the Colts.

Hey thanks for the heads up, Bus. Those Colts are real up-and-comers. And who's this Manning guy? He's pretty good!


-It's Halloween today. I had one good Halloween costume in my life, and that was when I went as Popeye and Mrs. Drew went as Olive Oyl. I wrote SPINACH on a coffee can, stuffed a corncob pipe with weed, and got fucking destroyed. Awesome. As a father, I'm now exempt from ever having to dress up for Halloween again.

As a husband, I also now have to nod in sympathetic disapproval to my wife any time a girl gets all slutted up for the occasion. Which pains me. I never got laid on Halloween when I was single, and that annoys me. One time at college I was talking to a girl who went as Wilma Flintstone for Halloween. She cut up the end of a pillowcase and wore it. That's it. A fucking pillowcase. And she was hot. And she laughed at one of my jokes. And I did nothing. Guhhhhhh. My life is littered with tales of screwing up readily available poon tang. If you're a guy in college reading this, do me a favor. If a girl you know is all slutted up tonight and clearly likes you, just grab her and fuck her. Tell her it's for the Drewman. Don't screw it up and spend the rest of your life masturbating through hot tears of regret like I do.

-Onto the game. Some of last night's costumes at the Metrodome included: a purple Darth Vader (purple really takes the menace out), a purple gorilla (Grape Ape! Grrrrrrrape Ape!), and a guy wearing what looked like a Mad Ball on his head. Remember Mad Balls? Fucking crazy, man.

-I find it ironic that ?uestlove, who had a hand in making this music video (one of the greatest ever), now plays backup for Hank Williams before a football game.

-Concerning last night's end result: Guhhhhhhhhhhhh. The comforting thing about the Denny Green/Mike Tice era is that, when the Vikings lost, you could always blame it on the fact that the team just didn't give a shit that day. There were times under Green when the Vikings look genuinely surprised that they had to go play a football game. But the Vikings last night had no such excuses. They went out, played hard, and were summarily exposed as a fucking JV team by the Patriots, who pretty much undid all the good things the Vikings had built on the first six games of the year. Fuck you in the pants, Boston. I went to bed at the end of the third quarter.

-One thing I'll never understand. The Pats won the toss and took the ball to start the game. And yeah, I know they scored, but why the fuck does every team do this? You should always defer if you win. There's no downside to receiving the kickoff to start the second half. If you're winning, you can help put the game away. If you're losing, you can climb out of your hole. Why don't teams ever defer?

-Beer and candy corn do not mix.

-Ad Roundup: What makes IBM special is their willingness to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on an ad campaign that doesn't sell anything. I went on the Fathead website. You know how much a Fathead costs? $99. Are you shitting me? A hundred bucks to stick a big helmet on your wall? Fucking draw one. The Playstation 3 baby is creepy and weird. The Project MyWorld girls are whores. And The Santa Clause 3 opens Friday, which is unnecessary on at least six different levels.

-Tony Kornheiser and Joe Theismann engaged in a discussion as to why Tom Brady isn't more well-known. Let's see. The man has appeared in ads for Visa and the Gap, was named Sportsman of the Year, and has nailed various movie stars. Real low profile that guy keeps. I didn't even know who he was until last night! He and that Manning guy are sneaking up on people!

-Tony also marveled over the list of players who have left the Patriots over the years. You know which other team also lost a lot of players over the years? All of them. It's called free agency and the salary cap. All hope for Tony K has now been lost.

-Chris Berman: "Hopefully, you enjoyed the first half." The Vikes were losing 17-0 at this point, and Brady had already thrown for 257 yards. Hey Chris: Go fuck yourself.

-I also enjoy ESPN's habit of cropping the halftime highlights so that the logos from other networks can't be seen. I love seeing 60% of a touchdown run. It's awesome. You fucks.

-The ESPN Halftime Halloween Derby was beyond inexplicable. Fans booed the Irvin and Theismann heads, which was nice. But the black players heads looked disturbingly like giant Sambo dolls. Did no one at ESPN think that giant smiley black man caricatures might be a bad idea? I also object to the Berman head having hair on top. Total bullshit.

-After beer and candy corn, I opened a bottle of Blanton's whisky. This is fancy whisky someone gave me for my birthday. Fancy booze is completely wasted on me. I don't savor it. I don't bury my nose in its oakey scent. I just ingest as fast as humanly possible. But it did have a metal horse sculpture on top of the cork, and that was cool. I played horsey with it while the Vikes got their asses kicked.

-Warren Moon kissed Michele Tafoya at the end of their interview. They're only acquaintances. If she and Moon were closer, he would have punched her in the face.

-The Patron Saint of our site wore a camel hair straightjacket with small pockets on each titty. Nothing beats titty pockets.

-All in all, this wasn't a very fun game to watch for the general audience. The Patriots completely outplayed and outcoached the Vikings from the start, and had an answer for everything the Vikings tried to do. Combine that with the Vikings refusal to run the ball, Brad Johnson's inability to throw a ball longer than 8 yards, and Brady taking advantage of the Pats' outstanding pass protection, and you have yourself a blowout. They even threw in some horrid refereeing (which Theismann, to his credit, pointed out numerous times) to make it even more annoying. Whatever.

Happy Halloween, kids.

UPDATE: Several astute people (i.e., people who actually take the time to read the rules for stupid people such as myself) have informed me that, in the NFL, you are not allowed to defer on the coin toss. Remind me to never try and make an actual football argument again.


Anonymous said...

That gives me great idea. You guys should start a blog called Fucking Michele Tafoya (cause everyone knows she's a slut), and just post porn and football pics. The rest of the internew would be rendered pointless.

Anonymous said...

that's interneT, ya jackass

PUNTE said...

Drew, I will give you an arguement to your defer-on-the-coin-toss theory.

More often than not, the play-calling of the offense is dictated by the score. When you're behind, you have to take more risks. If you can get the ball first, you can do almost anything you want, since the score is tied.

If you were the Vikings in that game, you didn't get the ball until you were already down 7-0. Pretty shitty. And it's about a half-tit's worth of sunshine that you start the 2nd half with the ball, since your team was already in a 17-0 hole.

When you take the ball first, you set the tone for the game. Couple that with the fact that the first team to score typically wins, and you have good reason to take the ball as soon as you can.

Big Daddy Drew said...

That's fair, but you can also set the tone with defense too. There's nothing more depressing to me than being down at the half knowing the other team is going to get the second half kickoff.

But your point is well taken. Both would seem to have their advantages.

8hrdrive said...

I don't like titty pockets. No nipples with titty pockets. Perhaps, titty pockets that unbutton to reveal a nipple. That would be cool.

Mike said...

Am I the only one who thought the Chris Berman costume looked more like Al Michaels? And why was the guy in the Steve Young costume so desperate to hide his face that he scrambled after his head, while staring at the turf, after falling down and losing it? Was the WWL going to shoot his family if he revealed his true identity?

Vee said...

And why was the guy in the Steve Young costume so desperate to hide his face that he scrambled after his head

Because it was Mike Tice?

Raskolnikov said...

Drew : Boston :: Montresor : Fortunato

Yes, I'm busting out the high school literature references.

WCT said...

you know why I love this website? because you point out things that I thought I was the only one to notice. Case and point: the ESPN cropped highlight windows. Do they think that we don't know that these games are being televised on other networks?

WCT said...

in Drew's defense, last nights game was a blowout so it didnt matter, but in a close game deferring is always the best thing to do. It sets up the playcalling for the final 2mins of the 1st half too. If you are getting the ball in the 2nd half you play conservative for a field goal knowing you are going to get the ball right back. Its the only time in football where you can score and get the ball back.

Satchmo said...

Drew got stuck behind a brick wall? I'm so confused.

Also, ?uestlove was hilarious in Dave Chapelle's Block Party.

Unknown said...

Why didn't the fans try to chuck bottles at the Halloween Derby thingys.

Total abortion of a game for the Vikes pass defense. Definitely needed more cowbell.

S.S.S. said...

way too much hair on the Kornheiser and Berman heads.

Tom Jackson's head looked like Al Jolson.

Vee said...

Its the only time in football where you can score and get the ball back.

This happens on a safety as well.