Monday, October 30, 2006

The Steelers, Like My Legs, Are Dead and Smelly

One thing I think I should quickly clear up for people considering running a marathon is its origin. Sure, we all know it's about some low-level Greek functionary who runs 20 some odd miles to tell some more important Greek that their army has defeated another army or some shit. But here's what they don't tell you:

The traditional story relates that Pheidippides, an Athenian herald, was sent to Sparta to request help when the Persians landed at Marathon. He ran the 34.5 km (21.4 miles) from the battlefield by the town of Marathon to Athens to announce the Greek victory over Persia and died on the spot.

That's right, the motherfucker gets there and immediately drops dead. Didn't see that in the race packet when I signed up. Didn't see that anywhere in Runner's World. Don't see that in the myriad Nike or New Balance commercials.

So, as I mentioned last week, I ran in the Marine Corps Marathon yesterday, during which two people had a heart attack and one of them died, so maybe they should put that advisory in there after all.

And yeah, I boasted that I'd do in under three hours, but that plan was scrapped somewhere around mile 16 when my legs went and, well, died. So I finished with a solid 3:49:35. For a first marathon, not bad.

Let's review my collapse:

Mile 5 - 33:26

Hey, look at Mr. Hot Shit with the 6:35 mile pace.

Mile 10 - 1:08:28

Okay, you're still at a 6:50 mile. Hang in there.

Halfway mark - 1:31:32

Slipping a little. A little over a 7-minute mile. But if you duplicate this in the second half then you're right at three hours. So far, so good.

Mile 15 - 1:47:16

Alright, I'm reading the tea leaves here and I'm not liking what I'm seeing. Creeping a little further over a 7-minute pace. You're just a little tired. It's still good, it's still good.

Mile 20 - 2:38:04

Aaaaand, you're Rumphed.

I have to say that I made a new enemy yesterday: runners who write their names on themselves before races. Fuck you and your energy gel utility belts, you attention whores. I suppose there's nothing wrong with it on its face, it's probably great motivation for the person (let's call this person Jeff) to hear people chanting their name throughout the hours of running. But what if you're the person running alongside Jeff for 8 miles? You hear nothing but encouraging words for Jeff and big fat squaddo for yourself, because I'm sure it's easier for someone watching the race to cheer a name rather than to yell, "go number 1247!" or "go guy in the red shorts and grey top!" But it wears on you in that exhausted state, to the point that eventually you want to kick Jeff in the back of his knee or step on his heel and rip his ACL. Seriously, fuck Jeff.

Ah, but there's more to this post than me gushing about my marathon performance. There's Steelers sulking to be done and, luckily for our readers, this is most likely the last Christmas Ape Steelers homer post of the year, because Pittsburgh's season is officially over.

After the race yesterday, my better judgment was telling me to fall into a sweaty heap in bed and wake up sometime Thursday, but my Steelers fandom demanded that I head to the bar, what with the game not being televised. And, as usual when the two square off, fandom wins hands down. Even though they were playing the Raiders and there was no urgency for me to watch the game.

I limped my way to my car and arrived at the bar just after kickoff. The regulars had a pretty uniform reaction. "Hey, that's great. Congrats. And you're still here? Wow. You're a true fan...and a fucking idiot. Seriously, dude, go lay down. Jackass."

Rather than further draw out an already long post with further description, allow me to summarize the few conclusions I can draw through the wall of rage: Ben won't throw to a receiver unless there are at least three opposing players around his target. Ben will never throw the ball away. Before every sack, Ben will hold the ball for three Bledsoes (a Bledsoe being defined as a unit of time equal to five seconds in the pocket). A backup quarterback with a 136.8 QB rating under no circumstances should ever warm up when the starter, coming off a concussion, has thrown four picks, two of which having been returned for touchdowns. Charlie Batch has probably slept with Cowher's wife and at least one of his daughters. Our defenders get flagged for coughing after the play. Russ Grimm, and hopefully not Ken Whisenhunt, will be coaching this team next year. (Living in D.C., it would be fun watching the 'Skins fans get all in a lather about one of the Hogs coaching the Steelers.) And our special teams needs lots and lots of help. Lots.

The cuts to the near catatonic looks on Al Davis' ghoulish visage peering from the owner's box as the Raiders neared victory were almost as unsettling as the outcome itself. He looks like my legs feel.


Unsilent Majority said...

Sorry, but Russ Grimm is scheduled to take the Redskins job in 18 months

flubby said...

Unlike the Steelers, the Ape will be all better in a week.

Unknown said...

Now that you have completed the Marine Corps Marathon you are ready for the 50 Mile Rum Run.

swing4 said...

No picture of Christmas in his little red shorts? Throw the female readers a bone here, guys. No, not THAT kind of bone, UM.

PUNTE said...

Charlie Batch has probably slept with Cowher's wife and at least one of his daughters.

This clears it all up.

PUNTE said...

By the way, how did Jeff finish?

Kid Cleveland said...

I'm sorry, but seeing Shittsburgh lose to the Raiders made my fucking day. Though I hate the Raiders. Basically in Cleveland we are either getting fatter or poorer by the day and don't have much time for caring for others.

Congrats on the marathon though. I, on the other hand chose to put on 20lbs after I finished my 4yrs. IYAOYAS!

Trader Rick said...

No 2:59 for me either, Ape. After a 1:28 first half, I shat the bed and finished in 3:25. Then I hobbled home and bet on the fucking Steelers.
Besides yelling "GO JEFF!" or "HALFWAY HOME!" next to the 13.1 mile marker sign, spectators should consider motivational messages like
-"Pick it up or you're going to miss the 1:00 games!"
-"Hey 1479, I saw a marine with his arm around your fiance at the finish line."
-"The Redskins cheerleaders are handing out Vicodin to the first 500 finishers!"
-"Come on 1107, I have $50 on you at under 3:18."

Unknown said...

This had angst, passion, drama and fuckwittery..

good show!

Sadie said...

I... got nothin.

I'm just...

Yeah. Nothin.

JoSCh said...

Cuz fuck yo stealers. My Seahawks on the other hand... why they are... full of character?