Wednesday, October 11, 2006

KSK Community Service: NFL Suicide Hotline

As part of our ongoing effort to help people we've decided to get into the business of community service (we assure you, we have not been sued). Given the state of this fucked up world of football (Haynesworth, TO, the Raiders) we decided to open a suicide hotline. So far we've encountered mixed results. You wouldn't believe the people who call the NFL Suicide Hotline (confidentiality is for doctors and guy does both!).

Not surprisingly most of our calls have come from distraught fans all over the country (Pittsburgh). We've gotten calls from the bullshitters and the ones with one foot off the bridge. Some of them are just crying out like Kramer when he couldn't become a banker while some are frighteningly commited (Christmas Ape is tying up the lines). Unfortunately we also get a fair share of the ubiquitous pranksters and assholes. Recently we've even been inundated by confused souls looking for advice on their high stakes suicide pools.

While the calls from fans are the most prevalent, it's the conversations with players and coaches that have proved the most entertaining (we're fuckin' sick like that). Our most recent interaction with a figure of such grand proportions came at the crack of dawn on Tuesday morning. Because of our obscene dedication to our readers (quid pro quo motherfuckers) we've decided to share with you this unique account; the transcript follows.

To "protect" the party involved we've cleverly disguised his name.

UM: Thank you for calling the NFL Suicide Hotline, this is the Unsilent Majority.

Dante Culpepperoncini: Hello...this is ...(sniffling)...this is Dante. I'm sad man, I think I'm gonna do something crazy.

UM: Dante don't worry, we're here to help. I'm sure there's no problem big enough we can't help you with, there's no reason to hurt yourself.

DC: You don't even understand! I just got benched, that injury was just Saban's bullshit. Coach benched me for Joey...Joey FUCKING Harrington!

UM: Ouch....uh, sorry.

DC: See that's what I'm sayin, ain't no way I can ever look at myself in my platinum mirror again. I don't deserve to live.

UM: Come on Dante, you don't mean that. Just because you've been replaced by a shiteating grin in a uniform doesn't mean you should kill yourself; it just means that you'll never be respected again.

DC: That's it! There's only one thing left to do, I'm gonna commit that Hari-kiri shit. You think you can help me out with that
death poem?

UM: Dante I don't think you understand, we try to talk people out of suicide not help them prepare.

DC: (screeching tires) Fuck it, I'm gettin a knife!
UM: What's that noise Dante, where are you?

DC: I'm watching a DVD on the plasma, what does that matter (explosions...more screeching tires).

UM: Are you watching
Ronin again?

DC: You know that's my shit, I'm like the 48th Samurai.

UM: Dammit Dante I thought we'd gotten past this. Every time you get depressed you watch that damn movie and call me.

DC: I just wanna get my motherfuckin roll on.

UM: I know Dante I know, but every time you do that I feel like killing you myself. Maybe if you could really dance you wouldn't do it with your arms. I'm going to go back to sleep now, why don't you pop in that copy of Little Giants I got for your birthday.

DC: (sniffles) Icebox is my shit, fo'real...good talk man.

Remember everybody, if you're feeling down just give us a call...unless you are TO in which case we will hang up on you (again).


Claude Balls said...


You fucked up the formatting again.

Unsilent Majority said...

be more specific

Claude Balls said...

Starting with this text:

DC: You don't even understand! I just got benched, that injury was just Saban's bullshit. Coach benched me for Joey...Joey FUCKING Harrington!,

the font size switches from Verdana 10 to Verdana 12. The change is reflected in all of the previous posts shown on the page.

Captain Caveman said...

All right, I think I fixed it. You dinosaurs need to stop using anything but Firefox. In the meantime I'll put together an HTML tutorial for UM.

Unsilent Majority said...

you go to hell! you go to hell and you die!

The Dude said...

UM, you made me laugh. And then you made me cry.

And I'm not talking about the fucked up fonts!

MDT said...

Hey, at least Daunte's got 7.04 million reasons to live, unlike the rest of us who are taking a seat and watching Harrington play every week. Wrists much?

Unsilent Majority said...

the dude is mad hormonal

feep said...

Sadly for Miami fans, the only reason why having Harrington as the QB right now is because he actually got the team down to the redzone before turning the ball over. Daunte had the decency to turn the ball over much earlier.

MSH said...

I'm just glad Gibbs was able to suppress Snyder's urge to sign Daunte to a max contract last offseason. With a Daunte-Mark Brunell controversy, your hotline would have burned up.

Mike Terrill said...

In Minnesota
I got my motherfuckin' roll on
Now in Miami
Harrington starts over me
Why did I rush my rehab?

No need to thank me, Dante.

The Big Picture said...

dante can be seed reading "Don't Jump" on the sidelines this Sunday.

TroubleHelix said...

Little Giants! my fucking lord what a good reference. that scene when she runs back on the field half cheerleader, half football player.... sniff sniff... really gets me going. IMDB shawna waldron.. all grown up now.
I can see what you mean, Matt.

and Ed O'Neill... come back, we miss you.