Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Steve Irwin Memorial Meast of the Week - Week 7

I have a friend Jeremy (not his real name) that went to college with a girl whom he professed to loving very much. But she rebuffed his advances, and they remained only good friends. To this day, Jeremy thanks God (or whoever Jewish people worship... some sort of banker/doctor hybrid?) for that, because the girl turned out to be batshit insane. As she screwed over boyfriend after boyfriend, she'd reveal to Jeremy her innermost thoughts about each relationship, with Jeremy thinking to himself the whole time, "Man this bitch is fucking nuts." I think there were one or two girls who dated Ted Bundy and lived to tell about it. That's how Jeremy feels now.

But they remain friends even to this day, I assume because Jeremy is both morbidly curious at her exploits and grateful for the constant reminder that he is NOT dating a raving lunatic (or, at least, that particular one). That friendship paid off big storytelling dividends just a few weeks ago.

I was in NYC recently for the expressed purpose of getting loaded. Jeremy joined me, along with Mssrs. Ufford and Leitch for an evening of merrymaking. A few beers in, Jeremy tells us his friend's latest confession. Are you ready? It's unexpected.

She fucked Jimmy Buffett.


"She fucked Jimmy Buffett."


"Well, they had been hanging out..."

Who just starts randomly hanging out with Jimmy Buffett?

"I don't know."

Man, that's fucked up. What's he, three decades older than her?


There are rock stars whom I would prefer to not envision as rock stars, and Jimmy Buffett is one of them. Yes, he's sold millions of records and plays to sold out audiences in tourist traps the world over, but in reality he's just some old bastard. I don't want to know about him snorting coke and banging groupies.

You ever watch a porn scene where the guy banging the girl is too old to be in a porno? It's always disturbing, isn't it? It could be the hottest girl in the world, and you'd still be thrown off by that guy's wrinkled old ass. That, of course, was the instant mental image I got from Jeremy's scoop, and I quickly needed more beer to help alleviate the resulting anguish.

So, if you know any crazy gals out there, look out. Jimmy Buffett may have recently stuck his old ass cheeseburger right in her paradise. And you'd be none the wiser, unless someone were there to tip you off.

Seriously. She nailed Jimmy Buffett.


Oh hey, it's the Meast of the Week! We've had an awful lot of homerism on the old website recently. Let's keep the streak alive! This week's Meast is Steve Hutchinson of the Seahawks Vikings.

Hutchinson returned to Seattle to help the Vikings destroy the Seahawks and spring Chester Taylor for a 95-yard TD run, the longest offensive play in Vikings' history. To make Ufford even more annoyed, let's watch the video!

I like the part where the score gets bigger.

Oh, they all laughed when the Vikings paid $16 million to a guard! Well, who's laughing now, bitch?! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Shit. Still got naked Jimmy Buffett in my head.


TheBigO said...

Hutch wasn't really all that responsible for that play, and if you watch the game Hutch didn't do much. On that play he blocks Julian Peterson but the play was messed up when grant Wistrom pushed his man in to the clear path that Ken Hamlin had to C. Taylor. that play was an abberation, to credit Hutch with that play is homerism at it's finest. Like a kicker an offensive guard should never get the Meast. You want a meast for that game give it to Ken Hamlin for taking Troy Williamson the fuck out. Is that dude even awake yet? How that hit wasn't on Jacked up is beyond me, and speaking of Jacked up, that shit is getting really tame lately, some of those hits were just routine tackles, on this latest installment, dude didn't get JACKED UP!!!, he just got TACKLED!!!

Tea Blogger said...

Next weeks Measts of the week:
Bryant McKinnie and Steve Largent

Mike said...

I'm holding out for Jim Zorn and Chuck Foreman.

Captain Caveman said...

TheBigO makes a good point about last night's "Jacked Up" on MNF. The dehelmeting of Andrew Walter was sweet, but the first four hits were fucking lame. As a friend of mine said, "They weren't even Jilled Up."

PUNTE said...

Is "the Big O" short for this?

flubby said...

I vote for Kenny Easley and OG Curt Warner (not the cracker who stole his name).

doug_plank said...

Kinda like the hit the Boz put on Bo Jackso...nevermind.(weak Nirvana pun intended)

Vee said...

She nailed Jimmy Buffett.

How much did he overcharge her?

Pacifist Viking said...

Hmm, homerism on a blog. Now I've seen everything!

Otto Man said...

"That's how quickly this game can turn on you."

Fitting commentary for a play commemorating the sudden death of Steve Irwin.

TheBigO said...

MMP, no, but that movie is a fuckin classic. The Big O comes from the nickname of the greatest ball player to ever grace the hardwood.

CC, wasn't it Curry who was dehelmeted (were not talkin about circumsicion are we?)?

TheBigO said...

whoops, switch the last c & s, my bad.

Grimey said...

It's Pina Colada-burg! Son-of-a-son-of-a-bitch!

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...


Wow, a Club Dread reference. This is probably the only time it is remotely acceptable to quote that movie.

swing4 said...

I used to work with a woman who "knew" Jimmy Buffett. She was 34, and a raging alcoholic. He was 500, and icky. Turns out that her father and Buffett were friends since she was a child. I'm sure there's some ill-advised "amateur acting" in her past.

BoSox Siobhan said...

I have visceral hatred for Jimmy Buffet and most, if not all of the retards who follow him...what are they called, "parrot heads?" Jesus.

Mayor McRib said...

So she could be having his, son of a son, of a son, of a son of a sailor?

Unsilent Majority said...

Just the other day I was at a coctail party for business when an f'n buffett song came on. I leaned to the person next to me and declared that the world would be a better place if he never existed...i stand by that.

Roger said...

Steve Hutchinson is Meast of the week? Jesus, y'all drank the NBC/Fox/ESPN Kool-aid. Next you'll be telling us that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit

How about Chester Taylor hisself? Or Brian Westbrook? or Matt Bryant for God's sake (I'm fine with measty kickers, and you don't get much more measty than 62 yards)?

sparky said...

Jimmy Buffet is well known for inspiring the love. For my job, I recently spoke with some Planned Parenthood nurses. For some reason, they started talking about different times of the year when emergency contraception was in especially high demand. They said that the biggest spike in the year is typically in the days following Jimmy Buffett concerts. Something about Margaritaville inspires unprotected sex.

Cassandro said...

So let me get this straight. She turned this guy Jeremy down, but is willing to do Jimmy Buffett?

And Jeremy still thinks he came out a winner?

Dude, when a guy who could be her grandfather is more attractive than Jeremy, Jeremy should seriously consider how pathetic his life is.