Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Is it time to handicap the race for Coach of the Year? You bet your sweet ass it is

Now that we're six weeks deep in to this glorious season we're beginning to see certain teams stand out above the rest. On the flip-side we're also seeing which teams simply don't belong in the same class as everyone else. As is usually the case, credit and blame can easily be attributed to these teams' respective coaches; so far we've seen heavy doses of under and overachievers alike. I figured it's about damn time to sort out this mess so that you, the reader, can make an informed decision when trying to target the best coach in the NFL.

Here are your favorites with their odds to win:

  • Sean Payton (1/3)- It almost seems just a bit too perfect for this former scab quarterback and Bill Parcells lapdog (I don't even know which is worse). He's led the Saints back to New Orleans and respectability in just six weeks all the while giving Chris Berman, Bob Costas, and all the other studio guys simultaneous erections. I can hardly believe that this is the same guy who got his play-calling duties yanked out from under him by Jim Fassel in New York. Now Fassel has seen the same fate befall him at the hands of confirmed genius Brian Billick. It's times like these that make me wonder if I could coach in the NFL...then I wake up.
  • Marty Schottenheimer (2/1)- Even though he's routinely hated by fans (and his own players), Martyball is holding it down in San Diego. This guy is like the Monty Burns of the NFL; the more people want him to die the more power he's able to wield. When I asked Marty to comment on his chances to win such an honor he replied, "Bolshevism! Sheer Bolshevism!" I was then escorted out of the office by goons...hired goons.
  • Lovie Smith (5/1)- Despite being named after Mrs. Thurston Howell III this dude is pretty badass. He looked into the drooping eyes of Denny Green and declared his presence with authority. As long as the Bears keep eating up the NFC like the Lawnmower Man Lovie figures to remain in consideration. Of course voting for a guy with such a dominant team is kind of like fucking your sister-in-law, you want to do it but it still feels wrong.
  • Bill Belichick (7/1)- He's brilliant, he's arrogant, and he's somewhere in between evil and insane...just like Young Frankenstein! The mad doctor also has a pretty little hand puppet that will do his bidding and clean up nice for the cameras. Belichick has proven once again that he doesn't give a shit about things like "talent" as long as his brilliance and Stalinesque control remain intact.
Since we're known to be such a pathetic, underground, voyeuristic group of assholes who throw stones from the relative comfort of our mother's basement in a shameless attempt at attention-whoring we're also going to provide you with a breakdown for the worst coaches in the league. As you should know by now, it's much more fun to mock the shit out of the biggest losers imaginable.

  • Nick Saban (1/10)- Oh how the mighty have fallen...before the season pundits across the board were all set to hand Saban Coach of the Year honors as well as the Nobel Prize and the virginity of their first-born daughters. I think now I understand why he was such a great recruiter. As soon as shit started to play out on the field everybody saw his achilles heel, his inability to win football games. How could things get worse for Coach Saban? You guessed it, he just signed New Mexico off the practice squad. At this rate Saban might wind up getting stomped to death by his friendly neighbors from Coral Gables.
  • Denny Green (2/1)- Before I just thought he was incompetent, now I realize that he's incompetant and crazier than Howard Dean on a meth bender. Actually the comparisons between the two don't have to stop at their uncomfortably hilarious on-camera exploits, neither one of them has ever won anything worth a damn. That 15-1 regular season in Minnesota was roughly the equivalent of Dean's crazy primary momentum. In the long run they are both destined for hilarious failure. YAHHHHH! CROWN 'EM!!!!!
  • Art Shell (10/1) Okay, now it's just getting kind of sad. Shell is probably the most impotent coach the NFL has seen since Jerry Glanville. It would be so easy to label him as the worst coach in the league but that would be unfair; we all know the only reason Shell has a job is to deflect critisism from Al Davis. Of course the Cryptkeeper refers to this brilliant strategy as "Operation: Get Behind the Darkies."
Now we want to hear from you (seriously it's about time you lazy-ass readers contribute to the cause!). Who's your pick for the best and worst coach in the NFL this season?


Mike Terrill said...

Best coach(es): Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy

Worst coach: Art Shell

Matt said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Brigadier Pudding said...

best obese coach: andy reid
worst: romeo crennel

best tits: tie bill parcells/mike holmgren

smuggest fuckbag: brian billick

Brave Sir Robin said...

Butch Davis.

Now, you may say to yourself, bullshit. That guy hasn't coached in the league for a couple years.

You know what? Eat a dick. And fuck you too. That mother fucker ruined Browns football. First, he gives us hope that we could stop sucking. Then, he decides to play prevent defense, something that should have been played to prevent that abortion of a son that he carries around on the field with him from coming into being, to blow our playoff game.

The next season, we somehow score about 50 points on the Bengals and fucking lose. This was from a Browns team that was lucky to score 20 points in a game.

Then he pussies out and has an anxiety attack. It's really too bad, since the entire Browns nation was devoted to trying to give the prick a brain aneurysm. Anxiety attack my ass. Who the fuck has that? He just realized that he sucked giant donkey dick.

Want more? He was a backstabbing son of a bitch, selling out his players to the media while covering his fat ass. He also remained in complete denial over the shittiness of his draft. Out of the time he was in Cleveland, one draft pick didn't make the team. Why? BECAUSE THE MOTHER FUCKER WAS IN PRISON!

He got rid of Kevin Johnson, who while not setting the world on fire could at least catch the ball, unlike some people (Quincy Morgan). The reason? Johnson wasn't running routes correctly and wasn't blocking. Those routes were being run so badly that he led the team in receptions. Morgan? Led the team in dropped passes. Morgan also led the team in dropped passes that led to bottle-throwing near-riots.

And that is why Butch Davis is the worst coach in the NFL this year.

The Big Picture said...

best coach: payton. yeah, it's the easy choice, but still, the saints were fucking terrible last year.

worst: saban takes the cake. with that talent they should only have a loss or two. and any coach he starts Joey harrington is just fucking brain dead.

Rob I said...

Best Coach: Sean Payton because he brought New Orleans back.

Worst Coach(ing staff): Joe Gibbs and his Band of Merry Fucktards, especially the tastefully named Gregg Williams. Just because.

Vee said...

Marvin Lewis is a decent coach, but as a warden he's sub-par.

Jack Del Rio is also a decent coach, AND he does a mean Eddie Money impersonation.

Advantage: JDL

Worst coach? Whoever's coaching the Browns.

the dude said...

Best Coach: Toss up between Sean Payton or the Linehan coach of the Rams (can't think of his name)

Worst Coach: Hands down Art Shell and his offensive coordinator who ran a bed and breakfast.

Coach I would most like to punch in the face: Brian Billick...i don't like smugness

Oh and about Marty...He could crush you like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. He'll bide his time until ... Oh, what the hell. he'll just crush you like an ant.

goto11 said...

Worst coach: Art Shell. There is no other choice. Shell is making Oakland fans nostalgic for Bill Callahan.

Runner-up: Mike McCarthy. For not having the sack to tell Favre to stay the fuck on the tractor.

Best coach: Lovie Smith. For getting performance out of Rex Grossman when we all know he'd normally be as effective as a bag of asses. Plus, he grew up with the name Lovie, which has to make you tough.

Runner-up: Sean Payton. Because voluntarily moving to New Orleans takes balls.

Trader Rick said...

Rob i: you, sir, are correct. Joe Gibbs is horrible. Worst coach in the league. I do thank him for returning all the skins fans around me to the flaccid state.

As for coach of the year, Sean Payton's been great, but let's not forget about player/coach Reggie Dunlop. The whole city of Charlestown has rallied around the Chiefs at a time when they really needed a winner, you know with the mill closing and all.

Larry Bird Flu said...

This makes me want to vomit on myself and then ask a homeless guy to lick it off me, but you kind of have to put Gibbs in the conversation as worst coach. He's got a QB with a dead arm who can't deliver the ball to any of his star WRs, and he won't overrule the OC who insists that perennial Pro Bowler and all-around comedic genius Clinton Portis sees the ball 14 times against one of the league's shittiest defenses. He seems to have an unnatural bias against young players, even if he traded good picks to get them (e.g., Campbell, J.)

God, that hurt to type.

Irish T said...

I've just finished vomiting on a picture of Dennis Green and now I'm ready to answer:

Best Coach: Andy Reid - He's done a great job at bringing the Eagles back to respectability after the OD (TO) mess. And I dislike Andy Reid as much as Denny Green but Big Andy gets props.

Worst Coach - This is tough. Art Shell isn't because the award has to go to someone actually living. Thus, I think it's Nick Saban. He passed on Brees and took on two Quarterbacks that were physically/mentally unprepared to play. He's done everything but blow a fourth quarter lead against the Bears on Monday night. While Denny Green is smegma Nick Saban is a talented coach that has done a horrific job this year.

swing4 said...

Good post, UM.

Any chance of getting a Worst AFC Mustache award? Your nominees: Jeff Fisher, Bill Cowher, Romeo Crennel, Herm Edwards, Tony Dungy, Art Shell. Winner receives a year's subscription to Law Enforcement Quarterly, and entreaties from women everywhere to shave that stupid thing off.

Unsilent Majority said...

Not only does Jeff Fisher have the worst mustache in the AFC, he's got the worst mustache since Hitler

Claude Balls said...

Not only does Jeff Fisher have the worst mustache in the AFC, he's got the worst mustache since Hitler

John Waters disagrees with you.

JoSCh said...

I think Jeff Fishers 'stache is dreeeaaaammmy.

Here is a video of a snake yakking up a hippo. Pretty small hippo, but still.

Signal to Noise said...

Best coach: Sean Payton first, Andy Reid a close second.

Worst coach: Joe Gibbs. Sorry, UM. There's no excuse for the Skins playing like they have. Portis plus a wideout lineup of Moss, Randle El, and Lloyd should mean buckets of points, and it's been anything but.

Herm Edwards is a very close second. I thought Herm was brought in to give the Chiefs, you know, some defense.

Worst AFC mustache: Definitely Edwards. That's a pornstache right there.

Dave F'n Bates said...

Best coach--who should win:

The Jets might end up 8-8 this year. Granted, that would mainly be due to the easiest schedule I've ever seen in the NFL, but considering that most people picked them to go 4-12 again (or worse), I'd think Eric Mangini should get a few votes. Talent-wise, this might be the crappiest team in the league.

Other guys who should win: Andy Reid (one year after being devastated by injuries and T.O., they look like Super Bowl contenders again), Mike Shanahan (who has finally figured out that he should let his defense do everything and let Jake Plummer do absolutely nothing).

Best coach--who will win:

Sean Payton--barring some sort of epic collapse, the guy helming The Greatest Story In the History of Human Existence will be too good to pass up.

Worst coach:

I know people are saying Art Shell, and he's pretty horrific, but think about all the talent Nick Saban has. Daunte Culpepper, Chris Chambers, Randy McMichael, Ronnie Brown and Marty Booker on offense; Jason Taylor, Zach Thomas and Channing Crowder on D. How is this team not leading the AFC East? My vote goes to Saban.

TheBigSecret said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
TheBigSecret said...

Brave Sir Robin speaks the truth. The fact that Butch Davis is still getting paid by the Lerner family should qualify him for consideration. I really hope one of the Vick brothers interacts with a female in the Davis household. Fucker.

Matt said...

Best coach? Hmm. Shouldn't Mike Shanahan get a little love?

I would've said Art Shell for worst coach, but didn't he die seven years ago or something?

Nope said...

Only Oakland has scored less points than Denver, so lets keep Mike Shanahan of the of list of best coaches.

Worst Coach: Dick Jauron. Here's a sample of halftime in the Buffalo locker room:

"Hey guys, excuse me...(couch)...excuse me....guys, please listen. No? Ok, well...try and do better this half. Ok?."

Ugly, flat chested, pornstars command more respect than this tard.

pmk3 said...

Shouldn't Larry Coker of Miami get some credit here? Afterall, he's leading the next generation of NFL felons this website with years of entertainment and fear.

jihad joe said...

why is andy reid still coaching the Eagles?? He always seems to trip right at the finish line. If he were black he would've been fired already.

actually i don't care

Lovie Smith wins it with the abrams tank that is Brian Urlacher

Anonymous said...

I know I may be alone here, but why isn't Mike Holmgren getting any Best Coach love? Don't you guys know that this man has guided his team to a 4-1 record WITHOUT Steve Hutchinson? How the FUCK is that happening? Doesn't he know that no team in the history of football has ever won a championship without a Steve Hutchinson at Left Guard? It's unheard of!!!

He's a witch, I tells ya!

Unsilent Majority said...

fantastic work all around on that one ladies and gents

the rude sports pundit said...

I have to nominate Shanahan for coach of the year. Out here in LA, we have seen 4 Denver games, and their defense might be the best in modern history. No team since 1934 has gone this far into the season allowing only one touchdown, and that was before they invented the forward pass. Also, that touchdown came in garbage time, so it really doesn't even count. Plus, he has to win games with Jake Plummer, no other coach has that handicap.

Worst coach, I could say Art Shell but that's like beating up a 4th grader. I could say Joe Gibbs but that's like beating up a 90-year old. So I nominate Marty Stinkenheimer, he has two of the best skill players in the league (Tomlinson and Gates) and I promise you he will lose when it counts because he runs when he should pass and he passes when he should run. How that dumbass continues to work is beyond me, except the Spanos family are vile assholes and are not qualified to own a little league team much less an NFL franchise. Plus, he smells bad...

mshapiro99 said...

Joe Gibbs. There. It had to be said. How do you take a team with virtually unlimited financial backing and go 2-4?

Too many assistant coaches. Revolving door player personnel. Incomprehensible 700-page playbook. Weak defensive schemes.

Back to NASCAR, tail between your legs. It's not "Wait 'til next year" ... It's "Wait 'til the year after that." Again.