Friday, December 15, 2006

...So You're Sayin' There's a Chance!

Women of New England, warm up your genitals: Tom Brady -- With Leather's faux gay crush -- and aging starlet Bridget Moynahan have called it quits.

Of course, this was something I called for back in August -- we all know Tom was slumming -- so I'm looking forward to all the Playmate-nailing and A-list distractions that will derail the Patriots' season(s) over the coming months and years. Really, this is a terrific development for dirty, voyeuristic sports bloggers such as myself.

As such, I thought I'd go all Cultural Oddsmaker on you and look at who presents the brightest prospects for landing Dreamboat on the rebound.

Rachael McAdams: 4-1

Granted, she's a hockey fan, but her rising star has sputtered a little since Wedding Crashers, so she could use the extra pub. Plus, she's cuter than a sackful of kittens. The tabloids would love to see America's Sweetheart paired with a hot Canadian chick.

Playmate of the Year: 3-2

The timing couldn't be better for this: the PMOY is named in January, which is exactly when Tom will have more time on his hands. Personally, I think the favorites this year are Miss February Cassandra Lynn (left) and Miss March Monica Leigh.

Having done some extensive research in this department, I suggest that under no circumstances should you look at them exposed to the elements in NSFW galleries. Like this one of Cassandra. Or this one of Monica. I'm telling you: don't do it! KSK is trying to be taken seriously as the Best Sports Blog, and we don't want to garner votes merely because there happens to be pretty girls on the page.

[Edit: I guess the PMOY is actually revealed -- heh, "revealed" -- in May. Whatever, I stand by the joke.]

Victoria's Secret Model: 15-1

They're mostly Brazilian and European, so they can't properly appreciate the mythology of this fine piece of man-ass. Their jetsetting ways and preference for soccer players up the degree of stifficulty on this one.

Tara Reid: 200-1

Remember, Dreamboat invited her to a Pats game Pre-Bridget. You know he's already mashed her guts, so he'd definitely make the phone call for an easy rebound if she hadn't gone down that long shame spiral of public intoxication and mangled plastic surgery.

So sad. Remember how hot she was in American Pie? That's how I'll choose to remember her.

Some Hot Foreign Chick You've Never Heard Of: 4-1

I could see Brady being tired of the American A-list scene and taking a vacation overseas after the Pats suffer a tough road loss in the playoffs. Of course, he'll be drawn to places like Monaco and Ibiza, where the granite-jawed hunk will begin a torrid affair with some hot famous chick. But here's the twist: she's from another country! (like the lovely Miss Francesca Ceci, pictured).

Plus, it would tie in nicely to Roger Goodell's desire to spread the NFL's seed throughout the world.

Jake Gyllenhaal: Even

Here's a little tidbit tucked away on that Cranky Colts dug up:

“Matt and I fight like teenage girls,” said Tom Brady, speaking of backup QB Matt Cassel. “We are always slapping each other around and wrestling and slap boxing and [messing] around with each other in the weight room. And so I decided to take that to the next level. And we were messing around in the quarterback room one day and he walked in with a milkshake, and I kind of put my foot by the door, and I kicked the door and the milkshake splashed up and went all over him. So he sat down, and I was laughing. So I said give me the towel, because I wanted to clean up the wall. So I threw the towel at his face, and it had shake all over it. He had a little shake in his mouth and he spit it all over me.”

I mean, wow. That's gonna keep Bosox Siobhan lubed up the rest of the month.


Rob I said...

ScarJo: 1000-1.

For CC, not Tom Brady.

Captain Caveman said...

I'll take those odds, Rob.

BoSox Siobhan said...

This news will actually drive me to start up the opposum-palooza again. It's going to be more fangirl Tom Brady fantasies and less sporting news now, though. Ilove you, CC.

Anonymous said...

Tom Brady's milkshake is better than yours, Matt Cassel.

Becky said...

I would 100% let Tom Brady spit his milkshake on me. And he could bring the VS model in the middle there if he so chose.

flubby said...

"How could you ever get tired of that ass, Takashi?"

The Last Unitard said...

WTF?! That picture of Jake Gyllenhaal made me a little bit gay for a second.

But then I see his sister and it's all gone.

Ok.. I think I fixed it... I just looked at the picture again and now he looks like Ricky Schroeder.

Phew! That was a close one.

tbart213 said...

I think you totally missed out on how much he is missing Deion Branch.


Signal to Noise said...

We all know he longs for Vinatieri.

Wes said...

Tom's milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...

Big Daddy Drew said...

+2 Cassandra.

4giantsfans said...

I have found heaven and it is the daily niner. Come here CC, I'd like to give you a BIIIG thank you hug.

JFKFC said...

I take it milkshake is some euphemism the kids are using these days...spitting it all over you eh? You didn't see how that could be taken a little outta context didja Tommy? You like coldplay.

Anonymous said...

Is it my distaste for the Pats or does Tom Brady have the biggest dome this side of Eric Montross?

doug_plank said...

"Milkshake" of course is a New England euphemism for erection.

That quote is Kevin Spacey gay.

8hrdrive said...

Brady's decision to convert to the Church of Scientology will determine his is new girl/boyfriend. Of course, this person will be appointed by TomKat.

becky said...

Are we getting cheerleaders later on too? If so, I hereby declare this Scattered Ass Friday!!!

The Polit Burro said...

The only thing that would make that milkshake bit funnier is if it was a soy milkshake!

After reading about two guys flinging and spitting milkshake on one another, I had the overwhelming urge to run home and paint my entire apartment in cool pastels.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

I have a friend who swears that Brady's pining for Drew Bledsoe. Just ... no.

MDG said...

This means I have to start over on my ranking of wives/girlfriends of all NFL QB's.

Unknown said...

Damn Tom and Jake in the same post on KSK wtf are the odds of that shit happening again?

Being one to not look a gifthorse in the mouth..I do thank CC for it