Wednesday, December 6, 2006

I'm Not Drinkin' Any F**king Harrington! Part 2

Welcome to Part 2. If you haven't read Part I you might want to scroll down.

Pio Cesare Barolo- This is where things start to get tricky. Barolo, a product of the Nebbiolo grape from Piedmont, Italy, is my favorite varietal. But like any good hooker they can be quite tempermental. First they have to be properly aged, usually this is a wine you buy to hold for a couple of years before you drink it...or you could just pay more money to buy an older vintage. When you let a wine like this sit you can't always predict it's outcome, they've had an excellent start but you never know what can go wrong. In wine it could be due to improper storage, in the NFL it's usually because of a contemptible, stubborn, asshole with a clipboard and a headset. I call him Marty Schottenheimer (that's German isn't it?)

Phillip Rivers- Consider the playoffs his uncorking (of course by this I mean that he is going to get the ass).

Tony Romo- See above. Big Ben played like a drunken grizzly bear in the Super Bowl and they still won, but if they do well in January I'll concede the victory to Dallas.

Vince Young- Tremendous. Upside. Potential. (copyrights Bill Simmons 2005 and Dan Shanoff 2004). I want to stick Vince Young in a small box at a constant 55 degrees for the next five years...if you know what I mean.

Matt Leinart- Fuck it all. Of course he's gonna be a stud, there's almost no avoiding it. I can almost hate him already.


Pio Cesare Barbera d Alba- Firstly I'll say this. On any given Sunday Barbera's can be fantastic (unless Oliver Stone is prominently involved). But there are issues. This wine is grown right next to the Barolo crop and it's got an inferiority complex. It's a good wine at the outset but it's obvious that it's not getting any better. Maybe Eli just should retire to a vineyard in Piedmont.

Eli Manning- Speak of the Devil('s brother). I think it's safe to say he's never going to be a world-beater but he's more Billy Ripken than Ozzie Canseco.

Jake Delhomme- Why isn't this team competing for home field advantage? Because everyone named Jake carries a defective gene.

Mark Bulger- In first six weeks of the season he looked fantastic, now he looks pretty shitty. Such is the fate of Mark Bulger.

Steve McNair- He's not what he once was but he's still got a flair for greatness, that's why I buy the Barbera and that's why I bet on Baltimore to pay for it. (p.s. Fuck Baltimore.)

Chad Pennington- Like the rest of these guys he's capable of leading his team to the playoffs, but without a dozen Pro Bowl teammates he's never going to win shit.

Alex Smith- Risky but potentially crafty. Small hands...smells like cabbage.

Trent Green- He's well aged but he was improperly stored by the Washington Redskins (thanks a lot Gus) but he's still palatable.

Kendall-Jackson Grand Reserve Merlot- They serve shit like this at dinner parties and other social gatherings because it does the job without being bad enough to generate too many complaints. It's never the answer that anybody is looking for but it can always fill in and do the job like a professional. But in the end it's still Kendal-Jackson, and that's not a championship winery.

Jon Kitna- He'll never be anyone's dream quarterback, but you could do worse.

David Carr- Yeah...he's just not getting any better.

Joey Harrington- A year ago he wasn't worth a bottle of Mango Mad Dog. Shit done changed.

Brett Favre- That's gotta hurt.

David Garrard- I'm not sold on him. The Jags will try to make him their future and they will ultimately fail like always.

Beaujolais Nouveau-The wine for people who don't like wine (pussies). It's called Nouveau because it's straight off the vine and it tastes like a glass of alcohol infused Welch's grape juice. It's really just popular because it's readily available, it's cheap, it's fruity, and it's filled with alcohol...just like JP Losman on Sunday!

Drunken whore!
Bruce Gradkowski- He's a seat-filler like Kramer at the Tony's, only he's never going to win anything and he loves the brothers.

JP Losman- He just sucks.

Charlie Frye- He's now engaged in a budding quarterback controversy with Derek Anderson who apparently never played basketball at Kentucky.

Franzia- The undisputed king of non-bottled wine, it's never any good, it will make you sick, but it's always there for you.

Brad Johnson- The latter years of his career are turning into a personification of boxed wine.

Rex Grossman- One minute he looks brilliant, the next he's atrocious. Let him age for a few years so the tannins can mellow out, then he'll be a serviceable journeyman backup.

MD 20/20- Ah fortified wine, favorite beverage a trendy hobos and high school kids everywhere. It will give you a splitting headache and make you puke every color of the rainbow.

Aaron Brooks- Uh...he's black? Ouch UM, that was uncalled for. Seriously though, he's fucking awful, he's on the Raiders and he's a glaring weakness. That's like going to Arizona and being known as a huge coke-head.

Ben Roethlisberger- It's all downhill from here.

Shaun Mondavi's Reddish-Style Wine Drink- You can make this shit in your own backyard/prison cell's toilet. First mix equal parts tequila and Five Alive (sugary drink not super-intelligent robot), mix in the seawater and fish, and then funnel it into a dirty Mountain Dew bottle. Garnish with a sprinkling of mini-marshmallow's...and voila! This is reserved for the most distasteful degenerate ever born...

Jake Plummer- ...please leave. I can't trust you anymore. Just go. Get out of here. Go!

I cannot classify Mike Vick, he can be anywhere from Cakebread down to Mad Dog. As for Jay Cutler and Jason Campbell...give me another couple of bottles.


Anonymous said...

Ah wines I've actually heard of before, now I get it.

Kudos for the Short Circuit reference

8hrdrive said...

yes, 5 alive!!!!!

Rob I said...

Jeff George is that bottle of homemade wine your coworker gives you. It's free but it's instantly regrettable.

Anonymous said...

Uh, Barolo is a wine (technically a DOGC, if you must know) that is made with the grape nebbiolo. Either your grammar or your enology is off in the first sentence.


Unsilent Majority said...

Yeah I was missing a couple of words up there. I'm not about to start confusing people with Italian wine designations.

4giantsfans said...

Looks like Roethlisberger's got his game face on

Big Daddy Drew said...

UM enjoys these wines at home with the Flaming Redhead.

Unsilent Majority said...

You leave Ethan Albright out of this!!!

Unsilent Majority said...

or did you mean Ms. Z? I stopped reading him before I stopped reading PK...anti-Redskinites piss me off.

Grimey said...

So who's going to write the post comparing running backs to Madonna songs?

Anonymous said...

If by "getting corked... in the ass", you mean dominate the AFC, then yes I agree

and for the record, the phrase is "Johnny 5 is alive" (see also "Los Locos kick you face")

gone said...

UM, since when did good hookers have to be properly aged?

Unsilent Majority said...

Pirate Sloth, when I got arrested

From the other side of town said...

Rex Grossman Wine-spritzer

1 bottle Boone's Farm Kountry Kwencher
1 half-pint Seagram's Gin (Bumpy face)

Pour out an appropriate amount of Boone's Farm (for all the dead homies, if you like).

Refill with Gin.

Replace cap and shake.

Drink from the bottle until proper.

Signal to Noise said...

I know it's psuedo-champagne, but Jake Plummer is truly the personification of Andre -- cheap, gets your hopes (and booze level) up quickly, and then leaves you wretching profusely when it's all over.

Signal to Noise said...

I know it's psuedo-champagne, but Jake Plummer is truly the personification of Andre -- cheap, gets your hopes (and booze level) up quickly, and then leaves you wretching profusely when it's all over.

Signal to Noise said...

Apologies for the double -- it read "error" when I first posted.

Daunte Culpepper probably goes in the 20/20 category.

gone said...

UM - I should start watching out for that, thanks for the warning.

Head Chick In Charge said...

It took me a day or so, but Vick is like Sangria. No, it's not technically wine and it has a bunch of miscellaneous shit in it, but when it's on, it's on and poppin!

Unsilent Majority said...

head chick, you're dead-on with that. Vick is very much Sangria on hot summer day.

Dubya said...