Thursday, December 14, 2006

Steve Irwin Memorial Meast Of The Week - Week 14

This week's Meast merits his own post - he's Drew Brees of the Saints. You already know the basics here: tossed 5 TD's vs. the Cowboys, made the Saints a contender, helped Katrina victims, is a really good person, and used to have a birthmark that could stop air traffic. But I'd like to say five other things about Brees:

-Drew Brees is the best quarterback to ever play for New Orleans. Now, this doesn't take much. The most acclaimed passer in Saints history is Archie "The Meddler" Manning. Here are Manning's career numbers:

2011-3642 23911 yds 55.2% 125 TD's 171 INT's 67.3 Rating

Gahhhhhhh!!!! That's fucking awful. Captain Big Ears threw 20 or more picks in a season four goddamn times and had a career record of 47-139-3. Of course, he's a Manning, so none of that could have been his fault. Ever wonder what Craig Whelihan's career stats would look like if someone was dumb enough to keep starting him for a decade? Well, here you go.

The Saints' history of quarterbacks would even make a Detroit fan wince. Let's see, there was all-purpose punchline Billy Joe Tolliver. And there's Billy Joe Hobert. Then there was Bobby Hebert, who sucked but who gave us this fine quote:

You know what's interesting? The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons is Bobby Hebert. No "r". Which I find fascinating. You know it's Herbert h-e-r-b-e-r-t, Hebert h-e-b-e-r-t. "Ay-Bear". It's a fun name to pronounce. Try and say it Hebert. Take a shot.

There was John Fourcade. There was Mike Buck. Remember him? He had long greasy hair and shit. You can read the whole list here. It's like reading the Hindenburg roster, it's so awful.

So Brees has little competition here. Not only is he the greatest QB ever to wear a Saints uniform, he's the best one BY MILES, and it only took him 13 games to establish that fact. I'm not sure any free agent outside of Reggie White has made such a dramatic difference in the fortunes of one NFL team.

-Because of Brees, the Saints are more than some dipshit feel-good team that pulls wins out of its ass during a charmed season. They're way better than that. In fact, outside of San Diego, I'm pretty sure they're the most exciting team in the NFL. They went to Dallas to play one of the league's better pass defenses, and they destroyed them. Even Joumana Kidd doesn't get beaten that badly.

Brees has made the Saints more than a cute team, he's made them a dangerous team no one in their right mind wants to play during the playoffs. They are not just some uplifting showcase for a candyass Bryant Gumbel piece anymore. They're just really, really fucking good. And when's the last time the Saints were ever that?

Not only can they get to the Super Bowl. They can win it. The Saints. And if that happens, everyone's gonna get laid.

-If you go by traditional Yahoo scoring, Brees is the 2nd highest scoring player in fantasy football. And I have him. Fuck yeah.

-Drew Brees is one of the coolest fucking names ever. The first name, in particular, can make some panties drop. Such a strong, virile first name. Almost too much for just one penis.

And Brees is a cool last name too. I guess.

-And finally, I got this email for the KSK Reader Bukkake:

I'd be interested to see one of you rank the NFL QB's based on the hotness level of their girlfriends/wives. Plus, this will give you an excuse to kill a few hours searching hot women on Google Images all day - and thus do all the heavy lifting for the rest of us pervs.


Tony in Raleigh
AKA IlovePaleHoseandPaleHos

Well Tony, here's a picture of Brees' wife, Brittany:

So hot. I mean, look at that tie and how it sets off her sport coat. That is one handsome lady. Oh wait, no. She's the blonde one. My mistake.

Seriously, Brittany Brees has gotta be up there. Way the fuck up there. And Jeff Garcia's chick so doesn't count.

So here's to Drew Brees - Meast of the Week for Week 14. Greatest Saints QB ever. Killer name. Hotass wife. That's a good day's work. Salud.


5150cd said...

Come on!!! Give me Matt Hasselbeck's mom. Total fucking GMILF. I'd like to eat her Campbell's Bearded Clam Chowder.

Shenanigans said...

joumana kidd... ouch

JoSCh said...

He doesn't have the birthmark anymore? Fucking poser.

Unsilent Majority said...

joumana kidd... ouch

that's what she said

Rob I said...

Jim "Don't Fucking Call Me Chris" Everett disagrees with your post.

Effern said...

As a long-suffering Saints fan, I am so ready for Teh Super Bowl!!!!!!!!!111!1!1!11111!

Actually, I'm ready for Teh First Saints Playoff Win EVAR!!11!!!!1!1111111111!!!

One necessarily follows the other.

The best part: Everyone on the team already qualified for Sainthood.

Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

peytonloveskenny said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
peytonloveskenny said...

Remember when the Steelers beat the Saints? If the Saints can win the Super Bowl and the Steelers beat them, then that makes the Steelers one of the best teams in the league. Can't argue with flawless logic like that.

Suss said...

When exactly does the Nawl start selling bourbon-soaked cheek marks?

Unknown said...

career playoff wins:

Aaron Brooks - 1
Drew Brees - 0

(I'm just sayin'... you know... devil's advocate... aww, hell, I can't even defend this argument.)

Walklett said...

How did Jeff Garcia land that slutbag. He's gotta have a 14-incher.

killawatt said...


We beat the Rams in the 2001 Playoffs, remember?

tbart213 said...

GArcia's chick is 100% an acting job.

She's just window dressing. Everyone knows Jeff doesn't like girls. So you are correct in not counting her.

That's why he likes it in Philadelphia. He fits right in. Just like he did in Frisco.

Philly is right below Frisco on the gaymeter.

Makes ya think twice about dat Cheessteak n'at don' it.

As always, not that there's anything wrong with it.

Chunkie said...

Y'all are forgetting The Marie LaVeau Factor. They built the Superdome over her grave, so this 19th century VooDoo Queen cast a gris-gris spell over the Aints.
Brees will get hit by a random falling Uptown oak tree.

Effern said...

Thanks for the correction. I heard one of the sports networks say in passing that the Saints never actually won a playoff game, ever. And considering my deep-seated hatred of the Rams, ya'd think I'd-a remembered that one. See what Aaron Brooks can do to a guy?

So anyway... Super Bowl babyyyyyy wooooooooooot!!!!!!111!!11!1111!

Anonymous said...

Trading Horn for Brees before week 1 give me wood everyday, eventhough my season is finished. Fuck. Stupid Shaun Alexander.

8hrdrive said...

drew brees is the Rodney Dangerfield of football. to get rumphed by a team coached by marty? no respect.
I will say that San Diego has no chance getting to the SB while New Orleans does. the nfc is softer than my stool after eating an oatmeal cookie.
If the Chiefs can beat the Chargers (and will again this weekend), anyone can at anytime.

The Last Unitard said...

A lot of people dropped Deuce before the season, but I scooped him up and he has performed admirably for my team.

The Last Unitard said...

Drew Brees: once again proving that arm strength is even more overrated than Al Pacino.

jackin'4beats said...

Effern - remember to keep holding down the shift key for "!" Your excitement is palpable. Drew "f'n" Brees nearly cost my Fantasy Team 1st place over the weekend going off on the 'Boys Sunday night. Thank God for LaDanian Tomlinson though. Helped me overcome a fat 76 points from Durty Drew.

He's still got the birthmark, but I think he uses Neet to keep it from looking like 3 day old moldy bread.

The Ravens and Inmates (Bengals) should also be better than the Saints too then, huh?

booster said...

How stupid are the Dolphins..."hmm, Culpepper, Brees, Harrington... ummm, let's take Culpepper AND Harrington and cover our bases!"

LT2 & Drew will be co-MVPs barring a New Orleans collapse.

Tammy said...

ha ha dropped deuce

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Brees used to have a birthmark? Still does last time I checked. And Brittany Brees sounds like a porn name, although she seems to be a nice girl.

Supposedly Garcia and the Playmate are getting married in May. I'll believe it if he knocks her up and the kid comes out with red hair, dark skin and beaver teeth and likes to kick women in the head from stripper poles.

ludicrous speed said...

I'd turn gay if it meant tapping playmate ass like that the rest of my life

Signal to Noise said...

No shit. That's one hell of a hag to have tagging along.

She got arrested for beating up one of his supposed exes, right? I bet she's the dom and he's a sub.

Unknown said...

Let us not forget he was formerly a Charger too..I don't know why I had to mention that but I did do a "wake and bake" this morning...and I am a Charger fan.