Thursday, December 7, 2006

Ask Yukon Cornelius!

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer airs Friday night. And if you don't like Rudolph, then the ghost of Burl Ives cordially invites you to suck his eggnog-dipped balls. Rudolph is the tits. It's got racism, lust ("Now's your chance to make acquaintances with that doe!"), violent monsters that like fucking shit up ("He's mean! He's nasty! And he hates everything to do with Christmas!"). Plus, if you don't like Christmas, Santa comes off like a real douchebag, who blatantly discriminates based on nose color and fancies himself a vicious elf choir taskmaster. Plus, he's got an inexplicably Italian wife ("Now, that's-a my Santa!"), whose voracious appetite for a sexy, chubby husband makes Christmas the horniest time of year.

I also thoroughly enjoy the blatant 1950's sexism involved. My favorite two lines:

Mrs. Donder wanted to go along, naturally, but Donder said, "NO, this is man's work."

Yeah, Mrs. Donder! You get your bitch ass in the kitchen and whip up some meringue mushrooms for your man. He'll be home soon enough, and then you can suck his antlers.

But Mrs. Donder blatantly disobeys Donder and goes out. And what happens? She totally gets trapped by the Abominable Snow Monster of the North. See what happens when you don't listen, missy? You just made man's work that much more difficult! Now Yukon Cornelius has fallen off the cliff!

Well, they were all very sad at the loss of their friend. But they realize that the best thing to do is to get the women back to Christmastown.

No shit. Those women venturing out of the house have stirred up nothing but trouble. When Donder gets you back to Christmastown, he's handcuffing you to the bed. Harlot.

Anyway, my favorite character from Rudolph is, without a doubt, one Yukon Cornelius. Who is Yukon Cornelius?! Pfft. Only THE GREATEST MUTHAPHUCKKIN' PROSPECTOR IN THE NORTH! This is his land! So don't be fuckin' with him!

Anyway, Yukon was nice enough to stop by our little AWARD-NOMINATED site to answer any questions you have about the NFL and football in general. Let it rip, everyone!

Yukon! 'Sup, big fella?! To what do you attribute the success of Holley Mangold on the football field? - Karen, Albany

Didn't I tell you about Bumbles? Bumbles bounce!

Yukon, how will my Saints do if they make the playoffs? - Larry, Baton Rouge

I love the Saints! They're made of gold! Goooooooooooold!!!! Whoooopppeeeeee!!!! (throws pickaxe up in the air, then licks it vigorously) Nothin'.

Yukon, Scoop Jackson tried to get inside the mind of TO. What do you think is going on inside his brain? - Tom, Plano, TX

"It's one for... uh, and four for... ahhh, fuck it! Let's get some shut eye!"

Dear Yukon, I feel like a misfit and that no one here likes me. - Jeff G., Philadelphia

How do you like that? Even among misfits, you're a misfit! And a queer!

Yukon, what's goin' on with our Raiders? Is Al Davis ever gonna fucking die? - Bubb Rubb, Oakland

I love the Raiders! They're made of silver! SILLLLLLLLLLLVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I thought you liked gold. - Larry, Baton Rouge

I changed my mind!

Hey Yukon, remember that playoff game Philly and Chicago played a long ways back? - Tim, Evanston

Oh, yeah! Fog was thick as peanut butter!

You mean pea soup.

You eat what you like and I'll eat what I like!

Yukon, how can my Colts get past the Pats once the playoffs come around again? I'm sick of this shit happenin' every year! - Bill, Indianapolis

You'll have to outwit the fiend Bill Belichick with your superior intelligence. Find a married woman for him to bang, and run like crazy!

Hey, you sort of look like me! - Mike H., Seattle
Me, too! - Andy R., Philadelphia

What?! No way. Let's see you two fatties rock the handlebar. Then we can talk.

Yukon, can the Broncos succeed with a rookie at QB for a playoff run? Do you ever remember a switch like this happening so late? If Cutler doesn't play well, what does Mike Shanahan do? - Diane, Boulder

Uh... uh... unmush?

You're not much of an NFL analyst. Even Sean Salisbury has more to say - Diane, Boulder

Well, what do you expect, lady? I'm a friggin' clay prospector.


Unsilent Majority said...

yes, but what wine does he drink???

Brave Sir Robin said...

Bobby Martin wonders what his chances as a misfit toy are if his NFL career doesn't take off.

Raskolnikov said...

Rudolph is the tits. It's got racism, lust ("Now it's your turn to make acquaintances with that doe!"), violent monsters that like fucking shit up ("He's mean! He's nasty! And he hates everything to do with Christmas!").

So does the NFL.

Racism: Michael Irvin, Rush Limbaugh.
Lust: Cheerleaders, beer commercials, Brian Urlacher and some gold digger he met at Chili's.
Violent Monsters: Ray Lewis, Sean Merriman, Joey Porter (and his dogs).

In conclusion, the NFL, KSK, and Rudolph should have a ménage à trois.

el_hombre said...

Hermey the Misfit Elf (prefers studying dentistry to making toys): Eli Manning

gone said...

"Silver and Gold" is going to be stuck in my head all damned day now...thanks Drew.

I'll just have to go home and watch the DVD version I have with an added Beyonce video to even out my day.

Scrappled said...

Totally. The Heat Miser will fuck your shit up.

BoSox Siobhan said...

My local bar is the Island of Misfit Toys. I'm the Charlie in the Box.

8hrdrive said...

Did you know:

Yukon has a homosexual brother who's been shunned since adolescence. He got out of prospecting and became a jeweler. His name:

(Big) Gay Jerry

S.S.S. said...

John Clayton is Hermie the Dentist Elf, everyone knows that.

JoSCh said...

I think about Bubb Rubb every day.

HED said...

That was awesome. I love the Rudolf movie!

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Uh, no. Hermy = Chad Pennington. They look almost exactly alike.

"Hurry, we have to save Christmas!!"

Otto Man said...

I can't wait until they make a live-action version of Rudolph. "And Gene Hackman ... IS ... Yukon Cornelius!"

Clarett's Bail Bonds said...

Conan O'Brien as Hermy in the live action

Mike said...

Mutherfuckin' Drew! You bastage, you.

I post the mother of all glorified nostalgic movie posts at my place, about the greatest freakin Christmas Special of all-time, featuring the single greatest cartoon character in the history of the universe . . . and then one of my readers tells me you beat me to it by a week.


Man, I hope none of my other readers saw this already, but they probably did. Now they're gonna think I copied you.

Anyhow, good shit here. We Yukonheads gotta stick together.