Monday, December 4, 2006

Roughing the Passer: The Next Perverse Sex Act on Urban Dictionary that No One Will Ever Actually Do

NFL fans may have noticed a growing trend in the game: supposedly preposterous "roughing the passer" calls. The truth is that the league put some new rules into effect this past offseason, and the referees are merely following the new guidelines, known henceforth as the "Dwyane Wade" rules. Below, an in-depth look at what we already knew to be illegal, along with the changes.

Still illegal:

- Late hits.
- Helmet to helmet hits.
- Picking up a quarterback up and driving him into the ground.
- Hitting a quarterback in the helmet.
- Hitting a quarterback below the waist.

Newly illegal:

- Hitting a quarterback at all.
- Running at a quarterback in such a manner that may frighten him to throw a bad pass.
- Breathing on a quarterback within five yards of either sideline.
- Failing to yield to a quarterback at an intersection.
- Not being attracted to Tom Brady.
- Damaging a quarterback's spleen beyond repair (AKA the Simms Corollary).
- Making sweet, sweet love to a quarterback, then not offering a reacharound (AKA the Simms Corollary 1A).
- Shaking the quarterback's hand too hard before the game.
- Holding a door open for him.
- Suggesting Brett Favre should retire.
- Taking the quarterback out for a nice seafood dinner, then never calling him again.

Still legal:

- Somersaulting into quarterbacks' knees.
- Hoping the quarterback falls down on his own accord.

Note: not helping the quarterback up if he does fall down on his own accord results in a rouging the passer penalty.


Suss said...

Posting a picture of a quarterback being hit in a post about roughing the passer -- immediate 15 yards and one-game suspension.

Unsilent Majority said...

roughing the passer? that's a paddlin'

LaziestMovieCriticofAllTime said...

Urlacher got called for, "Flexing his muscles and pushing the quarterback to the ground," against Brad Johnson.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Also illegal:Not fantasizing about Tom Brady or Brett Favre while masturbating in the shower.

And Chris Simms WILL enforce the law, one shower at a time.

evan said...

Don't forget that these rules are for our benefit.

There is a direct relationship between devastating injury and degree of "assholiness" from retired QB commentators/announcers.

See Marino, Theismann, et all.

Signal to Noise said...

There's an easy way to fix all this confusion.

Just put the QB in a dress.

Simms would be all about it, and it would make Brady Quinn's transition to getting his ass whupped as part of the Detroit Lions less taxing.

Raskolnikov said...

Note: not helping the quarterback up if he does fall down on his own accord results in a rouging the passer penalty.

Brady has a goat do his rouging.

Christmas Ape said...

With Roethlisberger, hitting him is kind of redundant anyway.

The Last Unitard said...

I know I'm beating a dead gay spleen here, but the penalty is actually "rumphing the passer" when Chris Simms is involved.

15 yards and a free tattoo.

Felix said...

You forgot flexing your muscles and pushing the QB right as he throws it, which is what Brian Urlacher was penalized for doing against the Vikings on Sunday.

Otto Man said...

Nice post, but I'm sure you just made Theismann's Douchie Sense start tingling.

Somewhere, he knows, someone is disrespecting the position of quarterback and all the creampuffs who've played it. The nerve!

MoonshineMike said...

"Roughing The Passer" - a new term meant to be used when the man who is embedding his penis into the anus of the person below him is cut or "roughed up" by the contents of the anal cavity of his partner. This can be something simple as dried fecal matter not cleaned from their anal cavity, but can also be associated with kernels of corn, Tabasco brand hot sauce, or lettuce. The receiver is responsible for cleaning properly before hand.

Peralta said...

Dude that's fucking sick.

rar288 said...

wflcannon Urlacher can flex whenever he damn-well pleases. And it was a bullshit call.