Wednesday, December 6, 2006

I'm Not Drinkin' Any F**king Harrington! Part 1

Two of my five favorite things in life are football and wine (the others are obviously steak, kush, and the fulfillment of manly needs). So when I looked over Sunday's box scores I couldn't help but notice the truly dreadful quarterback stats and react with the same expression reserved for tasting the worst wine of all (kosher). This league is struggling right now, it's as if half the quarterbacks have either shit for brains or the arm strength of Jamie Moyer.

I was so curious that I decided to bend one of KSK's founding rules and conduct a bit of amateur stat-crunching. What I found might startle you...take for example this week's collective stat lines (this does not include Monday Night Football because I'm too lazy to do any more infernal arithmetic...543/879 33 TD's 42 INT's for a rating of 74.87. Maybe it's an anomaly, but that sucks more dick than a high school girl who smokes.

So what are we left with? A league filled with guys who throw interceptions the way Drew grows stomach hair. What I've decided to do is break down most of the relevant quarterbacks in the league and match them with a wine that suits their unique characteristics...buckle up, it'll all make sense soon enough.

And no, loving wine is not gay, drinking it out of your boyfriend's bellybutton is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with it.

Opus One- I've never had more than a whiff and and a sip but I know it's the best (and once Dan Snyder gives me $40 million to cover punts I'll be able to afford it). These three quarterbacks represent the best of the NFL, the only difference between them and Opus is that I'd be really upset if a truck happened to run over a bottle of the wine (imitation is for bitches, irrational hatred is the ultimate flattery...and yes, I am blown away by the irony presented by my current imitation of Peter King and a thousand others).

Peyton Manning- Setting aside his fetus-like good looks and all the hatred I've harbored for him since his days in Tennessee, I have to admit he's the man.

Oh Tom, you'll never get a goat
to drink out of a wine glass.

Tom Brady- I actually like Brady a lot more than than Manning but he's pretty, he fucks goats, and he's always winning. Opus can claim at least two of the three (although Mr. Mondavi was recently spotted at a petting zoo).

Donovan McNabb- When he's healthy McNabb is as good as anyone, just look at the rosters he dragged into the playoffs year after year. Freddie Mitchell was practically as starter!!!

Cakebread Cabernet- Yeah, that's my shit, it's still a little pricey so I can only get it on special occasions (I'm currently saving a bottle for Vinny Ceratto's public flagellation). It's got everything you could want from a bold red, and I'd happily enjoy it during my last meal on Earth. Similarly I'd have no problem trusting the abilities of these quarterbacks when it matters most. Oddly enough, I like all of these guys quite a bit. Unlike Opus One they aren't all pretentious; they are not in the elite tier but the drop-off is negligible.

Carson Palmer- He's just now getting back to full strength and he's starting to look great again.

Matt Hasselbeck- The picture says he belongs above, but he's just good enough.

Drew Brees- I never thought I'd compare the football abilities of Drew Fucking Brees to the robust deliciousiocity of Cakebread.

Part 2 will be coming soon, then you will experience the true dregs of of the league culminating with the great debate; is Rex Grossman more Franzia or Shaun Mondavi?


Head Chick In Charge said...

If you have a palate for white wine, you should try Sancerre, any variety. It'll make you slap your mama!

Peralta said...

Maybe it's an anomaly, but that sucks more dick than a high school girl who smokes.

That line was fucking outstanding.

gone said...

Grossman, Culpepper, Losman, Trent Green, Bulger, Del Homey, that dude on the Jets who keeps getting hurt = 3 buck Chuck (Charles Shaw) - they're only good when you need them to be (like 2:30 am and you just brought the hot chick from the bar back to your place for more drinks), otherwise they're lame.

Bledsoe, Kerry Collins, Plummer, Kurt Warner = Mad Dog 20/20 - only good when there's absolutely, positively, without a doubt no other choice.

Captain Caveman said...

It's the KSK of bum wine sites.

The Big Picture said...

ha! opus one!

my dad used to work for the Mondavi Winery in the HR department and he was in with Robert and co. (I even had my fucking bar mitzvah in the winery's social hall thingy).

my dad would bring home opus one from time to time, and while i can rarely taste the difference between wine from a bottle and from a box, opus one is clearly the shit.

oh, and i'd put a healthy hasselback under that list.

Thomas said...

I would put Bulger and Trent Green above Hasselbeck.

Oh and Brees has a very decent chance to be the second QB ever to reach 5000 yards. Just thought I would throw that out there.

swing4 said...

I'm gonna call it. UM is a Taurus.

Rob I said...

If you believe the fans in Philly, AJ Feeley is a double magnum of Chateau Lafite Rothschild Paulliac.

Unsilent Majority said...

swing, nope.

rob...the Rothschild is clearly worth more than AJ's life.

Trader Rick said...

Fantastic. I can't wait to see who's with Wild Irish Rose.

Anonymous said...

I'm ok with the wine loving, but you lost me with wine analogies. However, in terms that relate to me, Phillip Rivers is like Catdaddy moonshine, efficient. You'll see in the playoffs (after their 1st round bye).

evan said...

I would compare Joey Harrington to a Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill, Vintage March. Enough of it will definitely get the job done, but you'll feel the sugary dehydration soon enough and a long habit of this performance is guaranteed vomiting.

Now if someone wanted to take UM's secondary love and compare someone in the league to an afghani kush, I'm all ears and lungs.

twoeightnine said...

I grew up with one neighbor working for the producers of Wild Irish Rose and the other working for the Genesee Brewery. I miss home.

Diablo Panochero said...

Where does that leave Brunell - something brewed up in the toilet on Cell Block 9 at the Texas State Pen?

And I can't wait to see where your worst nightmare ends up. I'd like to see a post where you describe, in detail, the feeling you get watching the ascension of Romo, knowing he's going to be taking your team to the woodshed for years to come.

Unsilent Majority said...

diablo, i'm trying not to think about Romo. And prison wine will get a shout out in part 2.

BoSox Siobhan said...

I think Swing's got a little crush on UM.

Signal to Noise said...

Comparing Grossman to Carlo Rossi is unfair to the jug.

Sexy Rexy is definitely Franzia.

swing4 said...

Nah, Siobhan, I'm holding out for Footsteps Falco. I like the ones who play hard to get.

Otto Man said...

I'd like to nominate Chris Simms as the representative of communion wine. Incredibly watered down, covered in unanswered prayers, and only available for a short moment on Sundays.

Anonymous said...

McNabb is like a reserve Pinot Noir: among the best of its kind, but not a guarantee to be available for more than a short period of time due to its delicate nature.